SMS and Jokes

Xmas (Jokes)

December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love, Agnes December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes December 20th John: What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag December 22nd Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They have never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag December 23rd You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you. One who means it, Ag December 24th Listen Fuckhead: What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister December 25th (From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Heard on Christmas Day Talk about huge breasts! Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist! If I don't undo my pants I'll burst. Whew, that's a terrific spread I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. Are you ready for seconds yet? It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? Just wait your turn, you'll get some. Don't play with your meat. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? I didn't expect everyone to come at once. You still have a little bit on your chin. Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it. How long will it take after you put it in? You'll know it's ready when it pops up. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that. How many are coming? That's the biggest one I've ever seen. Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest How long do I beat it before it's ready?

So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia ---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Senile Dementia ---Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder ---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate Amnesia ---I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Season's greetings (the PC way)... Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilled and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar for 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of your choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our society great (not to imply that our society is necessarily greater than any other society) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting (whichever comes first) and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Happy holidays!

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly." Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! What's the shotgun for!?" Santa yells. The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for Christmas, little girl?" "Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied. "Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa....

"May I take your Christmas lunch order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, but first I'd like to know how do you prepare your turkeys?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Inner City Christmas Carols (To the tune of Deck The Halls) See that drag queen his name's Molly. Fa La La La La La La La La For 50 quid he'll make you jolly. Fa La La La La La La La La See him in his gay apparel. Fa La La La La La La La La You should meet his brother Carol. Fa La La La La La La La La (To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas) We wish you a happy hearing, we wish you a happy hearing, We wish you a happy hearing, and we hope you make bail! (To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer) Rudolph the red nosed wino, Had a very shiny nose, And if you got too close to him, He would take off his clothes. All of the other winos, Used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any wino games. Then one chilly Christmas Eve, Rudolph froze to death in an alley. End of story. (Then there's my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic...) 'Twas The night before Christmas, And all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, So I took their stereo.

Dear Friends I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February. Sincerely, Santa

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours. The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. "It's a doll." replied my brother. "Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?" "Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless. My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure. Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY December 1 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the bar association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Merry Christmas

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas... On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that :- 1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend. 2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking. 3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

It was 2 days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store just before Christmas, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

sister! Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? Some of my best toys run on batteries... I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you? Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list! Wanna join the "Mile High" club? That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said: "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said: "They're bells" . Saint Peter said: You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied: "They're Carol's".

The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents," Jimmy replied. "That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" Surprised, Ms. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing." "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Things To Do During the Christmas Holidays 1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah. 2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbour's nativity scene. 3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny fillets. 4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world. 5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by. 6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this year. 7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses. 8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves. 9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, "Oh the humanity" 10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss's wife. 11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns. 12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they'll get what you give 'em and that's that! 13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you're sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead. 14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs. 15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe. 16. Post a sign in front yard that says "Carollers Welcome." When they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers. 17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbour's lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas. 18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbour's decorations.

Is There A Santa Claus? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point No.1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

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Jokes