SMS and Jokes

Work (Jokes)

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says, "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy says, "Yes, in Vietnam I blew my testicles off." "Great!" responds the interviewer, "we give disabled Vet's preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m." "But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asks the guy. "Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off." "I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, flavoured ones, every variety imaginable. "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute. "So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer." "No fear. I'm a happily married man." "So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?" "It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"

Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations - Part 2 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 8. Bright as Alaska in December. 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 11. Fell out of the family tree. 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 14. He's so dense, light bends around him. 15. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate. 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 19. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 20. One neuron short of a synapse. 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

In the Beginning was the plan. And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof" And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it." And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong." And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful." And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular." And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy. And this is how shit happens.

Career Choice The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Media Studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

to fake that the rest is easy.

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

Carlos calls his boss in the morning: Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache my legs hurt I not come work. The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that. 2 hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon... And by the way, you got nice house.

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

"Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when she goes to get one out you'll get a great view of her arse."

The worst Typo in the world This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems, and went out to all corporate employees. To: All Corporate Employees Subject: Copier! Date: Thursday, July 24, 1999 12:48pm PLEASE PLEASE please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days to remove paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.

It's time to find a new Job when ... You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Company Policy Start with a cage containing five apes In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they weren't permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." And that's how company policy begins.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. "I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away". "I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy". "I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal". All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place. 36% of women favour nudity. 45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of women experienced anal sex 70% of women prefer sex in the morning 80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations. 90% of women would like to have sex in the forest. 99% of women have never experienced sex in the office. CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it!

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. Just don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow...

Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand quid" A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date." The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she's giving me the best blowjob I ever had." One of his co-workers says, "Man, are you frigging lucky." Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...and I won another ten grand."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999

These quotes are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. Note: all typos, etc... are intended. 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. It's best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 12. Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge. 17. I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant. 18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 20. Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store. 21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. 22. Marital Status: often. Children: various. 23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions. 24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?" It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life = 100%? If... A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then, H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, but Bullshit will put you over the top. But just look how far A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you!

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Jokes