SMS and Jokes

Work (Jokes)

Letter of Apology When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today, and as this is my last day on the job, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you, Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three stories. Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!! Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants; it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. (By the way, the nude Polaroids I took of you when I found you passed out in the ladies room, are available for only $500 cash. Each.) To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in the punchbowl was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to attend the company picnic this summer.

drinking a half-decent wine. Frankly, I think this Stelios fellow's a bit out of touch with the way most people live." According to Stelios, the secret to recruiting talent is to avoid it altogether. By employing 'complete dunderheads', easyBoss aims to keep overheads low so that it can pass on its savings to the customer. "All companies are doing badly at the moment, so what difference is it going to make if you've got a complete idiot at the top? Obviously for safety reasons we have to ensure that they have some basic skills so that's where the training comes in". All recruits to easyBoss undergo an intensive 10 week training programme to prepare them for the rigours of the modern boardroom. The syllabus starts with the core skills of embezzlement and fraud, together with a role-playing session in which they have to blame all their mistakes on their predecessor. In addition to these 'traditional' subjects, the course also covers more modern topics such the basics of dismantling pension funds, how to waste millions on changing the company name and how to sack an entire workforce by text message. Despite his critics, Stelios feels confident that easyBoss will succeed, and claims that he's already received promising enquiries from HSBC, GlaxoSmithKline and Tesco.

John got busted the other day at work. His boss came over to him and said "John, you've been looking at porn sites on your computer again haven't you?" Shocked, John said "What the heck gives you that idea?" "Well," he said, "the lick marks on your screen for one, and your shorts around your ankles don't help you much either."

The manager was in a bit of a quandary. He had to fire one of his employees strictly for financial reasons and was having a tough time deciding who it would be. Finally he had it narrowed down to either Debra or Jack, since they both had spouses in good positions and they would have the least trouble of all the employees financially. Instead of a coin toss, he decided that the first one to go to the water cooler would be the one who got the axe. Debra came in early that morning with a huge hangover from partying all night and getting no sleep, and naturally she goes straight to the water cooler to rehydrate. The manager sighs and goes over to her. "Debra" he says, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra looks at him and says "Well, could you Jack off? I've got a terrible headache".

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

A large consultancy company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his time and motion consultants. The next morning, the president asked the consultant how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: MEMORANDUM 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings: AVERAGE EMPLOYEE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Made no major blunders - yet. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks a lot. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Spouse drinks, too. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the cops. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes. CAREFUL THINKER: Won't make a decision. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour. FORCEFUL: Argumentative. AGGRESSIVE: Obnoxious. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS: Gets someone else to do it. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL: Speak English. CONSCIENTIOUS: Scared. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nit picker. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES: Is tall or has a loud voice. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT: Lucky. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows a lot of dirty jokes. STRONG PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. CAREER MINDED: Back Stabber. COMING ALONG WELL: About to be let go. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Gets to work on time. RELAXED ATTITUDE: Sleeps at desk. EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER: Screws up often. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY: Too ugly to get a date. INDEPENDENT WORKER: Nobody knows what he/she does all day. FORWARD THINKING: Procrastinator. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS: Able to BS well. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Spends lots of time on phone. LOYAL: Can't get a job anywhere else.

These quotes were reportedly taken from actual year end performance evaluations: "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." "I would like to go hunting with him something." "He has been working with glue too much." "He would argue with a signpost." "He has a knack of making strangers immediately." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room." "He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company." "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

The boss called in Bill, his star salesman and said, "I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting." After that, the Bill's expense account regularly included items of "$50 for hunting." But then one month the first entry read, "$300 for cleaning rifle."

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped. "Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this." "Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy cars from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour. Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Re-measure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down.

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction". "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'". "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: " Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided". "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways" "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me." "We can't move off because some idiot has their effin' hand stuck in the door" "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

A small company was on the brink of bankruptcy, so the owner came up with a sales incentive program to help motivate his salesmen. Calling his two-man sales force into his office, he announced, "Things aren't looking good and unless we increase our sales, we won't be in operation much longer. In light of this, I have come up with a a contest for you. The guy with the highest sales will receive a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. "The loser," replied the owner, glaring at both men, "gets to give it!"

Christopher Columbus was the best salesman in history. He started out not knowing where he was going, and when he got there, he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on a big cash advance, and he got a repeat order.

Phone troubles I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." Recently I called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press 'one' now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone. Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: "We realise you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further delay your call."

Unbelievable Applicants A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior. "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore." "When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations." "Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize." "When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket." "I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'" "(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later." "(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1." "(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood." "She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind." "He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk." "The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear." "(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person." "Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset." "On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It leads to more honest communications. 3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear. 5 It encourages car pooling. 6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 8. It makes fellow employees look better. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said: "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."

There was this statistics professor who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any Intersection, whip straight through it , then slow down again once he'd got past it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over intersections. The statistics professor replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at an intersection, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

an hour. So when would you like to start?" Harry replies, "In about 3 months from now."

The Best of Resume Bloopers "I am a rabid typist." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?" "I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily. "Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?" The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e- mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, which was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my experience with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

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Jokes