SMS and Jokes

Sports (Jokes)

Three guys were playing golf with a young lady who loved the game but wasn't very skilled. Somehow she managed to get on the green on one of the par 3s and was really excited as she looked over her 25-foot putt. "I've never had a birdie in my life," she explained. "I'll give a blow job to the guy that can help me sink this putt." The first guy tells her, "Play it about two feet left of the hole because it will break toward the right at the end". The second golfer disagreed saying "Hit it firm and take the break out of it." The third golfer looked at the 25-footer and said, "It's a gimme!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did." Jeb asked, "Where did it go?", Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything cost one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees; Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00 Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

This guy has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small raft.... suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks, "What took you so long?" He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a fifty pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A man, while playing the front nine on a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

My, my, how time have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

A man and his wife were both avid golfers. As fate would have it, they both died at the same time, and arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Pete showed them around, and when they came to the GOLF COURSE, they were overwhelmed. It was GORGEOUS! THE WORKS, Fabulous GREENS, great CLUBHOUSE, the most magnificent set of clubs in history for each of them, in short, a golfers dream! As they teed off on the first hole, the guy looked at the wife, and said: "If it wasn't for your fucking oat-bran, we could have been here years ago."

Kevin Keegan was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for some advice. Alex Ferguson explained that he got all the United players to dribble round traffic cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Kevin try this. Two weeks later, Fergie rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Keegan sounded quite annoyed. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Alex. "Flaming traffic cones beat us 3-0" muttered Keegan

Rugby World Cup 99 Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads. The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. They will have no support as the pubs are open and they have to work. The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a hollywood blockbuster called "Saving No8 Lyle". Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest the rest of the side to ransom. The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government). The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." "Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs? "The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."

A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain. The priest, who is Irish, asks, "And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?" The sinner says, "Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough." "And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God." "No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball well, it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green. "And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord's name in vain." "No father, I took my sand wedge and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole." The priest asked, "Is this hole a par 4?" "yes, father", he says "And you're hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?" "Yes, Father" "Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?"

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole. He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers. Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it." So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly. Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare! He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot. As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green." The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!"

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appalling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each. "That was awful today," said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass. "Yeah, it was the worst I've ever played," replied the second. "I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course." The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke. "Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities." "Great," exclaimed the first man. "Well," continued the second man, "I'll find out, and I'll talk to you next Sunday when we play." The Next Week "So, did you speak to your sister?" "I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven", said the second man. "However, there's good news, and, I'm afraid, there's bad news." "Well, tell me the good news first," said the first man. "The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we envisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot." "..and the bad news?" said the first man, his voice more hesitant "The bad news is, you're off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning."

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says, apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie wonder says, "I always find that why my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for awhile and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fair way, and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice." "Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

Sir Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office. "David" he says, "I'm worried about your performance over the last few games. You've been bloody hopeless, completely off form." "Sorry Gaffer", says David. "I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home." "Oh dear" says Fergie, pretending to care. "What's up? Posh and Brooklyn and Romeo OK?" "Oh, they're fine", says David. "It's just that something's been really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing my head up". "What ever's the matter, son?" asks Fergie. "Well Gaffer", says David, "it's pretty serious. Victoria bought me this jigsaw puzzle the other day and....." "A bloody jigsaw?!!!" shouts Sir Alex. "You're playing shite because of a bloody jigsaw?!!! "Yeah Gaffer, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!" says David. "It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and,....." "David, David, David," says Fergie, "you'd better get a grip son. And quick!!!!" "OK Gaffer, OK," says David, "but........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and........and it's a tiger and it looks easy........and I can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and, er, sorry Gaffer and, er, it's a tiger, er....on the box....er.....sorry Gaffer." "OK, OK, OK," says Sir Alex, "bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at it, it can't be that difficult". "Oh thanks Gaffer." says David. So, the next day David brings the jigsaw in to Ferguson's office. "Here it is, Gaffer." he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. "Look, Gaffer, it's this tiger, right? And it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger." With that, Beck's empties all the pieces from the box onto Fergie's desk. Fergie looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham..................... "David, put the bloody Frosties back in the box."!!!

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world. Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges. Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges. Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says, "Can you please autograph this please." Sir Alex totally gobsmacked by now says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed an Argentinian cunt it cost me 28 million pounds!"

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life. The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black? The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop

Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here.... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow.....set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts." The lad is ecstatic "7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster! Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and thinking! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend. The lad is on cloud nine "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster! Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised If I pull you off at half time. The lad can't believe it "Pull me off at half time!!!, I only got an orange at Doncaster!"

During a long rain delay, the cricket announcer filled in some time by sharing some cricket trivia with his fellow presenter. "Know who hit the most sixes between 1975 and 1985? I'll tell you -- it was none other than Ian Botham." "Know who took the most wickets between 1975 and 1985? It was also Ian Botham." "And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1975 and 1985?" "Ian Botham?," ventured the fellow commentator. "Nope," said the announcer, "It was Michael Barrymore."

Golf Quotes For Sale: Set of golf clubs at bargain price of $100. Telephone 555 2345 before six o'clock. If a man answers, hang up. The reason it's called golf is that all the other four-letter words were already taken. A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers.. neither of whom can putt very well. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil "What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you have it in your pocket?" "It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune..... The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy? I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to play this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, "Wear your sweater."

A guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England cricketing jersey and cap and is festooned with little England flags. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV at home is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can watch the match!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game The big game begins with England batting. In the first over they have scored 30 runs. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, gets onto his hind legs and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him 12 years."

weeks ago" (David Coleman) "Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker) "After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson) "And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush) "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe) "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:"I think it's 50-50." "Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo) "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson) "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno) "Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a sooting stick." (Brian Johnstone) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"(Murray Walker) "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"(StuartPearce) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter) "Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering) "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker) "Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood) "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon) "The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (RonPickering) "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe) "Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson) "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables) "I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

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Jokes