SMS and Jokes

Sports (Jokes)

Posh and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London. "Where you been?" asks the cabbie. "New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping." "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie. "Yes, one really great one." "What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie. "Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham. The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria .." Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to...?"

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress. Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis. This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her. Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?" Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."

to stick there!"

Health and fitness Q and A Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! PS : If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales.

An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match. On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!"

One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search for his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here." Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

(For Euro 2004 Fans) Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen? Only Englishmen can be on top for 90 minutes, and still finish second!

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in a French footballers flat. News reports state that it was "Murder on Zidane's Floor" !!

There was a fire at 'Beckingham Palace', home of David Beckham, the football star, and his family. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and there was only minor damage. It did, however, burn both his books, including the one he was colouring.

Good news... Bad news.... THE GOOD NEWS "SADDAM IS FACING THE DEATH PENALTY", THE BAD NEWS "BECKHAM's TAKING IT" !!

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so Many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right. He then turns to Beckham, "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?"

Dear Abbey I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and a great education. When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? Thanks, A Fisherman P. S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. "What's that?" the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams. "NO, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Square, London are faced with a dilemma when travelling - to take a chauffeur-driven car or use the company bike.

Today, Great Britain won a gold in the Olympics for whitewater rafting. It was won by 2 men from Cornwall in a transit van!

Lance Armstrong may be stripped of 6th Tour de France title... CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows: (1) Toothpaste (2) Deodorant (3) Soap The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone...

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the arse." The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny, "he really plays for "Manchester United", but I was too embarrassed to say"

What's the similarity between Adolf Hitler and Paula Radcliffe? Neither of them could finish off a race.

Wayne Rooney has been made Manchester United's 'Vice-Captain'

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season? They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Last summer Jim met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Jim said to his lady friend.. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see", Jim replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV. "Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?" "I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!" "OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think David Beckham gets laid?"

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh, God, no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please, Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it, Doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well, and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well, there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"

A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"

A letter recently received by the customer services department of B&Q Dear Sir/Madam My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later. Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away? Yours sincerely,

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

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Jokes