SMS and Jokes

Sports (Jokes)

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf. After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied. When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her. The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her. The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her. The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde. "I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up. As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year... LIST OF RULES 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention. 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month. 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen. 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day. 6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce. 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together". 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times. 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go. 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game and his television and sound system is better than mine, we will be there in a flash. 11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule No.2 of this list". 12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc. Thank you for your cooperation. Regards, Men of the World

them on by myself. When the Brazilian players got back to Brazil they sent a text message asking what the score was and the reply came back Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 11 minutes) England 1 ( Lampard 89 minutes) When Ronaldinho got back to Brazil they greeted him like a great hero but Ronaldinho pushed them away, saying I am so sorry I let you down. His team members said On your own you held the might of England to a one all draw. How can you believe you let your team members down? Ronaldinho replied But I did let you down, I got sent off in the 12th minute.

Wonderful Rugby Quotes ... "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.' David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first." "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Murray Mexted) "Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins) "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Anton Oliver) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,but there are none better." (Murray Mexted) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie) Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what
" "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Murray Mexted)

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Aimee P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING FUCKED ON PENALTIES AGAIN !!

News Flash.... Leeds United's Goalkeeper got married last week.. On their Honeymoon, in bed, the bride grabbed her new hubby's hand and slapped it straight onto the Gates of Heaven..... "Have you ever felt anything like that before?" she said... "Yes" he replied... "Especially when I let those 3 goals in at the Millennium Stadium last May......"

A woman goes to a golf pro for lessons and he asks her to demonstrate her skill. She's horrible and will never improve, but she's a stunner and he's a horn dog, and so he agrees. She comes for her lesson, and he offers to teach her how to play. He steps up behind her, close, and puts his hands over hers, and they swing. The ball goes ten feet. They try it again. He gets closer and they try it a third time. By now she's getting wise, and he decides to cool it, but when he tries to step back, he finds his golf pants are tangled in the ornate silver-and-turquoise belt she's wearing. "Just a minute," he says, "We're stuck together. Let me untangle it." He tries and makes it worse. She snorts, "Men! Let me try." She tries and makes it worse. They're there, on the golf course, and can't get free of each other. He had an idea. "Let's walk like this to my office. We can close the door, and I'll step out of my pants, and go into the closet. You can untangle them then." She agrees and they start off. They nearly fall a couple of times, but soon get the hang of it. They might have made it if a dog hadn't thrown a bucket of water on them.

You Might be a Redneck Golfer ... if you think Tiger Woods is a place you would like to go huntin'. if you ever had to shout Fore ! .inside a pro shop. if you ever used a tee for personal hygiene. if your golf car is equipped with a gun rack. if you ever saved $10 at the halfway house because you killed your own lunch. if you think a Hole-in-one is when you get laid on a first date. if you ever got lost on a golf course 'cause you can only count to 10. if you ever lied to your wife and told her you were cheating on her, when in fact you were out golfing. if you think Fourball is your Cousin Ernie's nickname. if any of your clubs double as fishing equipment. if you have ever used a broken off beer bottle neck as a tee. if any of your kids missed out on a chance to attend college cause you needed a new driver. if someone says Man! I need to hit a draw and you instinctively pass your cigarette. if you think a birdie is available in Extra Crispy if your caddie earns more than you. if your golf glove is the same one you use for weldin' if you ever won the longest drive competition because your house is the farthest from the course. if you've ever ordered moonshine on the rocks at the 19th hole. if you clean your clubs with WD40 if your local club uses the flag to distinguish the cup from other holes on the green. if your golf shirt has no sleeves. if you have ever needed stitches because of you OWN backswing. if you think a green keeper is a type of drug dealer. if the shower after your round is the only hot one for the week. if you have ever hidden from a thunderstorm under a tree. if you have ever used a crowbar as a putter. if you think duct tape is a good substitute for rubber grips. if you think Loft refers to a tree-house. if your golf cart is used regularly to help off load beer from your truck. if you have ever been in trouble for washing your balls on the course cause the sign said: Wash your balls here

What I did on my summer holiday By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2 I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time. On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore. Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop. In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago. While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs. I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it. All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday. The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though. Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me. All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebody's spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a thunderstorm formed overhead, and one lightning bolt zapped both players, killing them instantly. When they reported to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be in heaven just yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to return them in what ever form they preferred. After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as a lesbian. "A Lesbian?!?!?!?!,'' cried St. Peter, "Why would you want to return as a Lesbian?'' "Well,'' replied one, "We can still eat pussy, AND we get to use the red tees!''

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Mike: Neither will Bob.

There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were too high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up 1/4 of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another 1/4 of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I guess I have taken unfair advantage of you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, " I think I am the one that really got the better of this deal, Devil, I'm Father O'Malley."

Two aliens are visiting Earth to research the local customs. One day, their spaceship hovers over a golf course and the two aliens watch a solitary golfer in sheer amazement. The golfer duffs his tee shot, shanks his second into the rough, takes three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, slices the next shot into the bushes, then takes a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again. One alien says to the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game. They continue to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulls a shot into a bunker by the green, takes several shots to get out of the bunker and finally onto the green, and puts several times until he finally gets the ball into the hole. At this point, the other alien says to his partner, "Wow, now he's really in serious trouble!"

The two aliens then split up so that they can learn more in the time allowed. When they meet to share their knowledge, the first alien tells of a religious ceremony it had seen. "I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs." "Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?" "Then it begins to rain."

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing. 1. Keep your head down. 2. Follow through. 3. Be born with money.

Following the murder of Bob Woolmer, the Pakistani president has passed an edict that Pakistan will not play cricket for a year. Instead they will take up bob-sleighing.

At Manchester City, Stuart Pearce has been axed...... Joey Barton's family denied having any involvement in it.

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