SMS and Jokes

Sex (Jokes)

Siamese Twins A man in a bar noticed a very attractive set of blonde siamese twins. They started talking, he bought them a few drinks and pretty soon they were laughing and joking, getting on really well. At closing time he asked them if they would like to go back to his place for a nightcap and they both agreed. Back at his apartment they enjoyed a few more drinks and they started talking dirty. He suggested that they should all go off to the bedroom and the siamese twins readily agreed. They all undressed and soon he was having terrific sex with one of the twins. After he'd finished with the first one the second one cried out "My turn now" so he started to have sex with her. The other siamese twin suddenly notices a saxophone in the corner of the bedroom and asks the guy whether she can try it out as she's always wanted to play the saxophone. He says sure and carries on having sex with her twin whilst she's trying to play "When the saints go marching in" at full volume on the saxophone. The evening ends with the guy calling a cab for the siamese twins. They all agree that they should meet up again some time. Four days later the siamese twins are walking down the street and one turns to the other and says "Hey. Isn't that the apartment that we went to with that guy the other night?" "Yeah I think it is" says the other one, "Shall we go up and see if he's in?" "I'm not sure" says her sister, "Do you think he'll remember us?"

A bloke comes home to find that his girlfriend is packing her suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm leaving you" she sobbed. "I heard that you are a paedophile". "Hell", he said. "That's a big word for a five year old".

A paedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night. She starts to cry, "I'm scared!" "How do you think I feel" the Paedophile replied, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms. Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?" Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?" Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake." "What's the difference? asked Kirk. Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the men's clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."

After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself. She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?" He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?" The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind him. A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand watching football on TV and with the vibrator on the couch next to him. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???! "The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, watching the match and having a beer with my Son-in-law."

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively. Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!" The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building? with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very real and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work. The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result. Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?" "I think she got fired too."

when we were both 15. The people in this village are so narrow minded. You see the new marina in the harbour-I built that with my own construction company but do you think they call me Luigi the bringer of wealth? No. Such small minded people.You see the new church in the village square- I funded that but do you think they call me Luigi the provider? No. Such small minded people.You see the new school just across from the church - I designed it and built it but do you think they call me Luigi the father of our education? No. Such small minded people. But you fuck one little sheep!

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final!" "Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don't want to go!" "Okay, I'll give you three choices: 1 - You come fishing with me and the dog 2 - You give me a blow job, or 3 - We have anal" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" I've given you three options, you'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back. "Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ANAL?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. "OK, l'll give you a blow job" Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. She stops and looks up at her husband. "This tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes all shitty!" "Yes," says her husband "the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home. Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "

has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please." the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch!"

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK." They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in thecar until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

"What I've Learned From Watching Porn" Women wear high heels to bed. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. All women are noisy fucks. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. Those tits are real. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) Double penetration makes women smile. Asian men don't exist. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a brisk slap on the butt. Nurses always suck patient's penises. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. Women never have headaches... or periods. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. Men don't have to beg. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

This old guy had never done a 69 before. So he goes down to the local whore house and tells the madam his problem. The madam says she can fix him up for fifty bucks. The old guy gives her fifty bucks and she tells him to go upstairs to the second door on the right. He gets there and opens the door and here is the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. He tells her he is there to do a 69 with her but that he is not quite sure how to do it. The blonde says, "All we do is both get naked and I put my head between your legs and suck you off while you have your head between my legs licking my pussy." They both strip down and are going to town when all of a sudden she lets a big, nasty smelling fart rip. He jumps up and says "What the fuck was that all about?" She said she was sorry and it would not happen again. So they start going at again and sure enough she lets another one rip. The old guy jumps again and starts putting his clothes back on. She asks him where he is going. And he says "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those you're crazy."

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Jokes