SMS and Jokes

Sex (Jokes)

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it." After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

What's better than fucking two eighteen year old girls at once? Nothing.

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John said no "Well, man, there's your problem!" the chap slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"

While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" The flattered girl told him it was Channel No 5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife? The hooker say's, "Aren't you done yet?" The girlfriend says, "Are you done already?" And the wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON A FIRST DATE: 10. Technically, I still love Simon Le Bon. 9. Will you marry me? 8. Cats are more intelligent than men. 7. I might as well tell you now - I suffer from terrible fanny farts. 6. I used to be a man. 5. I was drunk when I got here. 4. Even the thought of oral sex turns my stomach. 3. I must've slept with over four hundred men. 2. I hate my hairy arse. It's so unwomanly. 1. Shall we get the money out of the way now?

JOBS SIMILAR TO MAKING LOVE MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

A man and woman are sitting next to each other in a bar. "First," said the confident young stud, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks," said the persistent bachelor. "Oh, no you're not," the girl exclaimed. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks" said the stud. "Oh, no you're not," she insisted. "Then I'm going to make uncontrolled, passionate love to you," he said. "Oh, no you're not," she said firmly. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.

Things Not to Say During Sex But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? Hold on, I need to find Dr. Ruth's pager number again. Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! You're almost as good as my ex! Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Does your husband own a shotgun? What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize? Are you free tonight, or will it cost me? I think I could fall madly in bed with you. Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside? Here's 10p...call your mum and tell her you won't be coming home tonight. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? So... How am I doing? I go down on the first date, how about you? Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead? I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house? Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be? If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays? Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Is it hot in here or is it just you? Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? Hi, my name is . That's so you'll know what to scream. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it? Nice shoes. Want to screw? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue. The first time is always the hardest. The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question. You know what would look good on you? Me. I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt? You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across. Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing. The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!" "Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? The kid stutters.

Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed." "What on earth did she want?" her friend asked. "Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!" I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so
"

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. "We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful!, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

One day a midget came into this really trendy bar. He was dressed with two-toned black and white shoes & beautiful silk coat and designer tie. His hair was fashionably combed back and he had perfectly white-straight teeth. He came into the bar slightly whistling to himself and swinging, in small circles, a watch-chain attached to his designer trousers. You could see a diamond ring flashing on his right hand as he swung the chain. When he walked in, he had an air of extreme confidence and almost smugness. He thought he was hot and he obviously felt very good about himself. As he walked into the crowded bar filled with the "beautiful" people he noticed sitting at the other end of the bar a gorgeous well built red head with long flowing hair to her waist. She had a plunging neckline, with a diamond necklace sparkling down towards her beautiful cleavage and matching bracelet on her wrist. She had on a skin-tight long, blue dress with a shimmering glow to it. She was a fox and she knew it. The bar was packed with people and the cigarette smoke just hung in the air. She was sitting at the bar and had a long cigarette holder in her hand as she sat nursing a martini being held in her long slinky hand with long red coloured fingernails. She had an air about that said rich, sexy, sophisticated, and untouchable as she drew a breathe of cigarette from her cigarette holder and exhaled slow and deliberately. The midget ordered a drink, took a sip and swinging his chain with his other hand surveyed the whole bar and moved towards the beautiful red head sitting by herself towards the end of the bar. He walked over to a vacant spot right next to her as she made a point of trying to ignore his presence Standing, he looked her up and down and she could feel his eyes checking her from head to toe. The macho little midget finally leaned over right next to her actually making physical contact with him almost brushing her arm as it held her martini. She glanced over her shoulder down at the floor at him. He nestled up close to her and with the cockiness and self-confidence of someone who thought they were God's gift to women, looked at her cleavage and slowly followed it up to her eyes and said: "What do you say to a little fuck??" She slowly took a drag off her cigarette holder and exhaled slowly and looking him directly in the eyes said: "Hi little fuck."

Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean.

A woman phones Norris McWhirter of The Guinness Book of Records and says "I have a 10" long vagina, is it a record?" "I don't know" says Norris, "but it'll take some licking."

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours." The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine." The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left. Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory. The black man asked how the project was going. "Great, I'm half way there!" Really?" said the black man. "Yes. It's turning black!"

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out." Flo looked at him and said "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my tights."

A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored. "What would you like to do next?" the young man asks. "I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it. Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and candyfloss and asks what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home. The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How was your date?" "Wousy," says the girl.

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever had?........ It was great.

So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

I tried phone sex last night. Is the antenna supposed to hurt like that?

A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman - 'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies 'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies - 'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'

This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted. They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it." He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch. "Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter." "You did?" "Yes. And, I want to thank you." "You do?" "Yes. Every other guy she's brought home has left her hanging in the tree."

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it. They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked. As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the key and the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his horror, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk. Meanwhile, down the road... A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room. There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in. "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of Dad. "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad. And Dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."

My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."

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Jokes