SMS and Jokes

Sex (Jokes)

I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. It would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review people's returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax bill!" The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase.. "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you". The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

This friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery... Actually the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is: 1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process. And 2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal. Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet. You're still my favourite lap dance, Lacey Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals? I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat. She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do." Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.

Sex Quiz..... 1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is: a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave c. reading a sex quiz d. shopping for shoes 2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to: a. acquire a mistress b. attract his neighbour's wife c. preserve his youth d. get a tax write-off 3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store: a. Kitten with a Whip b. Sex Slaves of New Haven c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV d. The girl who works behind the counter 4. Condoms are not recommended for use: a. before the 15th of the month b. after the 15th of the month c. immediately after sex d. by children under 10 5. Religious families generally have large families because: a. they generally have more children b. they just have natural rhythm c. the Bible forbids television d. they're just lucky 6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because: a. they go to the theatre a lot b. they look too much like heterosexuals c. they don't keep two sets of clothes d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage 7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve: a. multiple orchids b. a satisfactory weight-loss program c. a job that pays as much as a man's d. comfortable shoes 8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his: a. bank account b. piano c. office d. necktie 9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by: a. petting goldfish b. handling chicken fat c. kissing the family dog d. bloody bar room brawls 10. Conception has been known to occur in: a. the ovarian tubes b. Eustachian tubes c. the Goodyear tube station d. back seat of a Camaro 11. "Time of the month" refers to: a. ovulation b. undulation c. a new moon d. the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football 12. Testosterone is a kind of: a. Italian ice cream b. testimony given in an Italian court c. umpire in an Italian cricket match d. Italian chicken fat 13. An erogenous zone is an area where: a. women tend to fall asleep b. women tend to develop sudden headaches c. men tend to laugh before the punchline d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous 14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature: a. emasculation b. matriculation c. baldness d. laughter before the punchline 15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on: a. premarital sex b. post-marital sex c. the opposite sex d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals 16. The average frequency of sexual relations is: a. 78.8 megahertz b. 92.3 kilohertz c. 98.4 oyithertz d. depends on how often your wife works late 17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary: a. doo-doo b. thingamajig c. doggie-woggie d. Who owns this pussy? 18. In your personal experience, sex is: a. overrated but undersupplied b. oversupplied but not overpriced c. over there but not over here d. over If you answered a. to all of the above.... you got some of them right.

Two city girls and one farm girl met with a counsellor before getting married to discuss birth control methods. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were they going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their future husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method" "That will work as long as you keep really good records" said the counsellor. He asked the second girl what method of birth control she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills" she said. The counsellor replied, "Yes, that will work, as long as you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. The farm girl said, "The pail and saucer method." After a short pause, the counsellor, obviously miffed, said, "Right. I guess that should work." He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet. The counsellor asked the first girl, "What birth control did you use,,,,, and what went wrong???" She replied, "I used the rhythm method,,, but somehow my notes got mixed up and, well, here I am, preparing to have a baby in about 6 weeks!!!" He asked the second city girl, "What birth control method did you use, and what went wrong??" She replied, "The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have any pills with me. As you see, I too am going to have a baby pretty soon!!!" He then said to the farm girl, "I vaguely remember that you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me??? It seems to have worked very well for you." She replied, "Well, we always be sure to make love standing up. Since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail that is turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes. When they get as big as saucers I kick the pail out from under him !!!"

A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port. "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I step ashore." The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"

Things Overheard While Having Sex "A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?" "Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo-- AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!" "Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!" "Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!" " ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!" "No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax." "It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes." "Don't laugh -- if all penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!" "OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!" "Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!" "Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed." "Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!" "Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!" "Dammit Mum! Knock first!" "OK, this time, you be Martha Stewart and I'll be Rico the gardener." "Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute." "Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?" "Shave it? You're lucky I washed it." "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I WAS the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short mini-skirt. Using the time-honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 50-year-old. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?

Take off her clothes With her consent..... ......... ......... ..12 cal Without..... ......... ........187 cal Take off her Bra With two hands....... ......... ......... .8 cal With one hand........ ......... ........12 cal With mouth....... ......... ......... ....85 cal Put on Protection Hard ............ ......... ..... 6 cal Soft........ ......... ......... 315 cal Foreplay Looking for target...... ......... ....8 cal Finding G spot ............ ......... .92 cal I don't Fucking care........ ......... ....0 c Entry Holding her......... ......... 12 cal On the floor....... ......... .8 cal With Different Position Missionary.. ......... ......... ......358 cal Doggy....... ......... ......... ..316 cal 69 lying....... ......... ......... ......286 cal 69 standing.... ......... ......... .......512 cal Italian hanger...... ......... ......... .912 cal Orgasm Real........ ......... ......... ......112 cal Faking...... ......... ......... ........315 cal After "O" Lying in Bed......... ......... ......... ..18 cal Hop off the bed......... ......... ......... .36 cal Wondering why she left pissed off......... ..816 cal Get dressed Quiet and calm........ ......... ......... .32 cal Rushing..... ......... ......... ..98 cal Heard her boyfriend opening the door........ .....1218 cal Heard her dad at the door........ .....1942 cal Her mum walking in.......... ......... ......... ..Priceless! !!LOL

Q. What's the definition of an 11? A. A 10 that swallows!

Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash.

A couple was strolling hand in hand across the nudist camp. The young man suddenly lowered his head and confessed, "Don't look now Cathy, but I think I'm falling in love with you."

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

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