SMS and Jokes

Sex (Jokes)

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to pop the question. He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out to a restaurant. After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you." Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it" "Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired. Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent." Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?"

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform. "Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued." "How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?" "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!". "Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain. "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!" "Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

A man had a big dance coming up but the problem was he didn't know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long. The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder. The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his penis and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again. The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt. The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar." The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced. So they got back to her house and went for it. "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents... oh fuck it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy..."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained. "We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different." The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass." "No, that's too common. I want something different." "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?" "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that." The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can. The man says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane." "OK, I'll buy that." Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head." The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!!" "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane." The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. 'Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is: Three things in life are certain: 1. Death. 2. Taxes. 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick."

A country boy has come into some money and decides he will go to town. Having never been to town before he strolls up and down the streets looking at the stores, when he comes to a barber shop. "Well," he says. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one." He goes in and sits down and the barber says, "What can I do for you?" Country boy says, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!" So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he says, "Would you like a singe?" Country boy says, "I said I want the works, everything." This shop has a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walks over and asks if he want a manicure. He says, "I want the works, everything!" So she starts working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asks, "Shall I push back the cuticle?" He says, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."

Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

A little old lady in a nursing home stands and raises her fist in the Rec Centre one day and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant." She says, "Close enough."

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers." Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her: Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ? What ? You're crazy
??!!! Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour... At this time of the night no one will show up.. I've already said NO, and NO means NO. Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.. NO !!! I've said NO !!! My love.. don't be like that.. At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says: Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them up to the ceiling, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

This man and this woman are sitting next to each other in first class, flying to Paris. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when sneeze, I have an orgasam." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

What not to say in an Ann Summers Shop 10.) Does this come in children's sizes? 9.) No thanks -just sniffing. 8.) I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7.) Mom will love this. 6.) Oh the size doesn't matter-She's inflatable. 5.) No need to wrap it up-I'll eat it here. 4.) Will you model this for me? 3.) The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!! 2.) 45 quid?? You just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! 1.) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks. "Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!" Harry promises his mother that he won't. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!" Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!", he said to the bartender. "Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!". Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first".

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my friends call me 'Bubba'".

Ultimate Pick-up Line Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable. So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful. The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..." Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

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Jokes