SMS and Jokes

Sex (Jokes)

WOULD I LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU? I'D RATHER... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater. I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol. I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest. I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch whipped by a fat, moustached geek named Spyros. I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum. I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass. I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude. I would rather dry fuck a polar bear.... in a phone booth. I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed haemorrhoids. I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter.... and not a twist off either. I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass... with a short stick. I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass... and jog a mile. I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop. "I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . " "And then what?" "And then all heaven broke loose!"

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent...................... 12 Calories Without her consent............... 187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands........................ 8 Calories With one hand............................ 12 Calories With your teeth........................... 85 Calories PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE: With an erection......................... 6 Calories Without an erection................... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot......... .. 92 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary.............................. 12 Calories 69 lying down......................... 78 Calories 69 standing up....................... 112 Calories Wheelbarrow.......................... 216 Calories Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories Italian chandelier.................. 912 Calories ORGASMING: Real................................... 112 Calories False.................................. 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old.................. 36 Calories 30-39 years......................... 80 Calories 40-49 years......................... 124 Calories 50-59 years......................... 972 Calories 60-69 years......................... 2916 Calories 70 and over......................... Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly.................................. 32 Calories In a hurry............................. 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Penis Mileage Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse. If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime. Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut. Leave some for the rest of us.

Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for, are you some kinda pervert?" He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees. She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby...."

I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier. No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on. So there... now you know.

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found ... Gay or Straight ... they all want blow-jobs.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He sits next to him and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul: "You know that beautiful girl at work I wanted to ask out but got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up: "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "So, when are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul: "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Very sensible..." says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul: "and I rang the doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face..!"

Sex is bad Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in.

Q: Why do we have orgasms? A: How else would we know when to stop?

Pete met Suzanne in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzanne invited Pete to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Suzanne began tenderly stroking Pete's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Pete comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more? Suzanne replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

Johnny wanted to screw, Margie, a girl in his class..... but she belonged to someone else..... one day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you 100 dollars if you let me screw you".... Margie said, "NO". Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished with my work by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, Brad..... so she called Brad and told him the story. "We could use some money to go to that concert next week," said Brad, "Tell him 200 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she tells Johnny and he agrees to 200 dollars. Half an hour goes by and Brad is waiting for his girlfriend to call. After 1 hour nothing. Finally after 2 hours Brad calls and asks why she hadn't called sooner. She replies, "Do you know how long it takes to pick up 200 dollars in quarters? ."

Rhyming Sex Terms WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought. "Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"

Q. How is music like your sex life? A. Three-quarter is swing time, one-quarter is ragtime.

Idiot's Guide To Sex..... IN-> OUT<- Repeat as often as possible A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make. If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church. If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA. Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.

There are MANY ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things men should NOT to say on a date... Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. People say I remind them of Peewee Herman. I used to come here all the time with my ex. I never said you NEED a nose and boob job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching and farting contest. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had." "How so?" replies David. Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out." "Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?" David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex 10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister. 9. We're out of paper bags for your head again. 8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot. 7. You're 20 bucks short. 6. We're out of gin again. 5. I used my last sponge for the dishes. 4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit. 3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's. 2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker. 1. Your gynaecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

101 Things NOT to Say During Sex 1.. But everybody looks funny naked! 2.. You woke me up for that? 3.. Did I mention the video camera? 4.. Do you smell something burning? 5.. What tampon? 6.. Try breathing through your nose. 7.. A little rug burn never hurt anyone. 8.. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.. But whipped cream gives me the shits. 11.. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good? 12.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.. Do you accept Visa? 15.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.. Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.. Got any penicillin? 26.. But I just brushed my teeth... 27.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.. I want a baby! 30.. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies! 31.. (In a ménage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.. I think you have it on backwards. 35.. When is this supposed to feel good? 36.. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.. Is that blood on the headboard? 39.. Did I remember to take my pill? 40.. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head... 42.. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.. So, how's your mother? 45.. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway? 46.. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents. 50.. You're almost as good as my ex! 51.. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52.. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.. You look younger than you feel. 54.. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.. Does your husband own a sawn-off shotgun? 59.. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks. 61.. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.. I have a sickening confession... 65.. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68.. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.. Did you come yet, dear? Did I? 73.. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.. Does this count as a date? 76.. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you? 79.. You can cook, too right? 80.. When would you like to meet my parents? 81.. Have you ever tried it in the nose? 82.. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83.. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later. 84.. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed. 85.. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.. Is this a sin too? 96.. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Idiot's Guide To Sex..... A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make. If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church. If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA. Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.

Mary: How did your blind date go the other night? Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a trois." Mary: Oh, Dear! Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!

I actually learned about sex watching neighbourhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: never let go of the girl's leg no matter how hard she tried to shake you off.

off your bill", again the lad duly complies. Yet again, another 30 seconds later the prostitute says to the young lad: "If you can give me another inch, I¹ll give this one to you for free...", at which point the father bursts into the room, pulls his son from between the prostitutes thighs and says: ..."Stand back Son, time to see your Dad make a profit!"

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?" "Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. We put in hard, then pull it out real slow and easy. That's the secret man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then jam it in real hard and fast an pull it out real slow and gentle like. Works every time." The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but he jams it in like before, but pulls it out very slowly and very gently. "Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Milan, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Now, you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he l ooks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Swedish!"

----man of few words met woman of few words. he, you wanna fuck? she, my place or yours. he, hell if you want to argue about it, just forget it.

Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter." Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth. Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man: "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says: "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a black leather, dominatrix outfit. However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said: "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says: "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

Yellatio: Really loud oral sex

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Jokes