SMS and Jokes

Religion (Jokes)

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The National Anthem"

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," said The Lord. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of beans ''Can of BEANS!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. ''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Sainsburys either.''

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobiles, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says,"I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability. Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shrivelled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the bill for the Last Supper.

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy (a Mancunian) asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Gulf war. Could you help me?" "Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second man (a Brummie), who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the third man (a Scouser), the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability."

Can anyone explain how the son of God, born in Bethlehem in the Middle East, ended up with a Spanish name?

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf. Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green. Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green. The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup. Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair."

Two nuns always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the nuns remarked, "I've never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do...do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, ... "Get the Fuck off our car!!"

Two ministers died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as ministers. What'll it be?" The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first minister. The second minister mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second minister, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second minister disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two ministers. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Alaska"

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box. "But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20." "Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and replies "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied: "My bike."

The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, "Lets see, youre Mr. Jones, the engineer. Weve been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked No.101. "This is where youll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog. Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!" Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate. "And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor. As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!" Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate. "And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room No.103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls. But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

Two bishops were discussing the decline of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergy-man, self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

A millionaire who's a devout Catholic decides to go on a luxury trip to the Vatican City to see the Pope in person. He flies out to Rome first class and arrives in that St Peter's Square to listen to the Pope address the faithful. Afterwards, the Pope comes among the people to meet and greet and deliver his blessings. The millionaire is standing there, near the front, wearing his finest Armani suit and his best gold jewellery and his chest puffs up as the Pope approaches. However, the Pope stops just before him and starts talking to a stinking, scruffy old tramp who was standing nearby. The Pontiff put his hand on the tramp's shoulder and whispers in his ear, then leaves him and walks straight past the millionaire. The rich guy was gutted so he found the tramp and said "Look, if I give you my clothes, can I have yours?" The tramp agreed and so the next day, the millionaire, in his smelly rags, awaited his audience with the Pope. Once again, the Pope came among the people, saw the millionaire, unrecognisable through the grime, put his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday".

The Pope visits East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help." The Pope says "Speak my son; if I can guide you, I will". Bernard says "Look, your holiness, turkey doesn't seem to be as popular as it used to be at Christmas. Because of this I have been building up a stock of extra turkeys each year and I need to start selling them all year round. I am willing to pay you 10 million pounds a year over 10 years to change a single word in the Lord's Prayer, to help me out." The Pope looks quizzically at Bernard: "Pray continue, my son". Bernard then says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. They'll have turkey more often, and I'll be sorted." The Pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it". Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years" The Pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..." Bernard now gets desperate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by 5 million pounds a year, and so on each 5 years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do." The Pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves. The next day the Pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I have got us 20 million pounds a year..." A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?" The Pope replies, with a sigh "We've lost the Hovis account".

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Who is better at the computer, Jesus or Satan? To decide, God set up a test that would run two hours and judge who does the better job. So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up, the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)" The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says, "1 Shekel 50! ($0.42)" The Pope looks surprised. "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."

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