SMS and Jokes

Religion (Jokes)

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."

In 2001 a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff"

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick the crap out of his fucking ass."

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher..I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgement. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder. "Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgement, and I couldn't help wondering why you're tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Them lads are from Ireland. Poor buggers are soaking wet, I'm having to dry them out first."

An elderly man by the name of Mr. Murphy was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside. The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Minister." The son said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics." "Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly. "Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the priest." The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked." So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door. The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here." The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?" The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too"

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance. Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds. And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realises that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function." The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know what penance to give to who?" The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do," and runs off. A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my neighbour." The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list. "Say two Hail Mary's and be on your way." "This isn't too hard," she thinks to herself. A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned," he says, "I have fornicated." The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. "Say two Hail Mary's and an Our Father and be on your way." Then she starts thinking, "this isn't hard at all! I could do this more often!" A third man walks in and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral sex?" "I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he give me two Kit-Kats and a pat on the head."

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He's assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the other monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the Abbot and points out that if someone males even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked-up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says: 'We've been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son.' So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Eventually the young monk gets very worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall, crying uncontrollably. "Father, what's wrong?" enquires the young monk. With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies: . . . 'The word is: celebrate!'

A wee boy is sitting at the edge of a cliff, eyes fixated at a burning car down on the rocks. A priest comes up to him. 'Little boy' he said 'What's the matter? Where's your mummy?' The boy pointed solemnly to the burning wreck 'Oh no' said the priest 'What about your daddy?' Once more the boy pointed to the car 'Oh that's terrible' said the priest 'What about your brothers and sisters?' Again, the boy pointed at the burning car Oh that's awful, little boy said the priest as he unzipped his fly 'It's just not your day is it!'

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him. "When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish 1. He went into his father's business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was always in trouble with the law 3. His mother did not know who his father was THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother 2. He had no permanent address 3. Nobody would hire him THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He invented a new religion

Q: What's Catholic Alzheimer's Disease? A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Catholic priests? A: Guilt.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129! . It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book. He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!" She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No." After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!" She replied, "If you'd have reached up a little farther you'd have found a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

A priest and a rabbi are in a train compartment on a long train journey. They get talking and after a while, they get friendly and start swapping personal details. The priest asks the rabbi, "There's something I've been wondering what with all your religion's kosher laws and that.... Have you ever had pork?" "Well, I must confess," the rabbi answers. "One time I was away from home, I did try some." "But tell me," the rabbi continues. "You're a priest, you've taken a vow of celibacy. Have you ever had sex?" Sheepishly, the priest says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time, yes. Once. Long time ago." "I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?

Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc smiled and said, "It means the Altar boy lied. He wasn't a Virgin."

After several years of serving the church in a far away land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York. He set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes. On his way, a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks." The priest glares at her confused and says, "What's a blow job?" The woman is just as confused and says, "What are you a comedian?" and walks off. The priest, undaunted, walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister, blow job 25 bucks." The priest quickly replies, "What is this blow job!?" The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off. The priest, now very curious, returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly a "blow job" is. The priest sees the mother superior and says, "I have a question -- What's a blow job?" Mother superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper. "Same as on the outside...25 Bucks."

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope. Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news. Mother: What's the good news? Pope: I've just been elected Pope. Mother: What's the bad news? Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you! Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. ' 'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!' The contractor is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty. 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

Little Billy goes in confessional, kneels down & says "Bless Me father I have no sins but I need help with My problem" The priest says "O.K. Billy what seems to be Your problem?" Billy says "I'm 9 years old & I'm having a problem with masturbation" The priest says "that's O.K. Billy a lot of young boys use masturbation to find themselves, relieve tension, etc." Little Billy says "Yes Father I know but I do it 14 - 15 times a day" The priest says "Wow Billy I'm going to have to think about that a little, I'll have a solution for You shortly. I want You to go and sit in the first pew and I'll be out in a few minutes" " before You go I have a question "Why do You do it so many times a day?" Billy says "Father I have nothing else to do" Priest says "O.K. go sit where I told You and I'll be out in a little while" Next in the confessional is Mrs. O'Malley who always bakes a fresh apple pie for the Father The priest says "I know it's Mrs. O'Malley because I can smell that fresh baked apple pie.....Please Mrs. O'Malley go put the pie next to the little boy in the first pew & then I'll hear Your confession" The priest finishes up with Mrs. O'Malley, walks over to the little boy and says "Billy, thank You for waiting for Me, I have a solution to Your problem but what happened to Mrs. O'Mally's apple pie?" Little Billy says. "I ate it" The priest says "Billy that was My pie, Why would You eat it?" Little Billy says "I had nothing else to do." The priest says "Damn. Why didn't You go jerk off
"

Way, way, way deep in the heart of Alabama, a black woman gives birth to a white baby. Her man, Leroy, isn't best happy as he knows the only white man in the whole county, and several beyond, is Pastor Jenkins. So he grabs his pump action shotgun, loads it full of buckshot and trudges off to the Pastor's ranch, determined to ventilate the "Sonofabitch, mutha". The pastor sees him coming up the drive and knows he'll have to do some pretty fast talking if he wants to stay in one piece. For verily, Pastor Jenkins has had carnal knowledge of Leroy's woman on more than one occasion after bible meetings. When Leroy gets to the house, he confronts Pastor Jenkins and says, "Preacher!! You bin messin' with ma woman! She done had a white baby! It's yours, ain't it?" And with that Leroy pumps a round into the chamber, feeling not unlike Samuel L Jackson and very much like shoving the barrel up the Pastor's fundament and pulling the trigger. Pastor Jenkins denies it and, knowing that he could be full of lead after his next sentence, thinks carefully. "No, Leroy! You've got it all wrong!" he explains. "Look over yonder into ma fields! You see them there sheep?" Leroy nods. The Pastor continues, "Well, one of them ewes out there just ups and has a black lamb every now and then. It's sometimes God's and Nature's way, Leroy!" Leroy nods again and thinks quietly about the Pastor's words of "wisdom" and then says, "OK. You leave ma woman alone and I'll leave yo' sheep be!"

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

Adam and Eve had finished sex for the first time, and as Adam lay on the soft grass of Eden, God appeared before him. "Well, my son," said the Lord" how didst thou like it?" "Oh!" gushed Adam, "It was incredible. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it." "And what didst Eve think?" "She liked it too," smiled Adam. The lord looked around. "Then tell me, Adam, where is thy mate?" Gesturing towards the edge of the Garden, Adam said, "She's over by the river, Lord. Washing." Suddenly the skies darkened, and God tore at his hair in anguish. "What is it?" cried Adam, cowering behind a tree trunk, "What's wrong?" "Wrong?" boomed the Lord, "Now I'll never get that smell out of the fish!"

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Jokes