SMS and Jokes

Religion (Jokes)

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." "Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try. On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?" "No, I am a Rabbi."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them....give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? ............ .....OK, I was just wondering; I didn't get one either...

Two priests are in a toilet using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!" The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small grey desk. "Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate." "Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?" "I don't have any orders, " said the Pope. "Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then." The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep. Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?" "A Naval Aviator," the young man replies. The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I laboured hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!" The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Naval Aviator who has ever made it!"

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in here," Peter said. The Pagan asked why. "You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool." The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort. "Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here." Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan. Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."

An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town; he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day. After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins his eulogy. "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of the community," Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about, Rabbi? This man was a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents! "The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and dedicated Talmudic scholar." Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!" Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father." Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never had time to spend with his children!" At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbours? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr. Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life." After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and says, "His brother was worse!"

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are?" St. Peter asks. "I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman. "Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of the Irish Republican Army." "Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin. "You blew up that pub in London!" "Yeh." "You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland." "Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply. St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in heaven !" "Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've all got twelve minutes to get out!"

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful." "Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "Father?......... Father?" Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said: "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said: "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled-off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" and Man replied: "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled once more and created the National Health Service!

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favourite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good

Three truck drivers die and got to meet God for admittance. God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor. God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing" God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X. God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen. At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked what happens now? God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas.

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter Not much was heard about THE JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since

Three guys from the North country all showed up at the Pearly Gates at about the same time. Saint Peter came out to meet them and to ask them some questions. He asked each one how they managed to arrive at the Pearly Gates. The first one said, "Well, I'm a trapper and was out checking my trap line. As I rode my horse along the edge of this canyon, I heard a horse racing down the canyon below. I looked over the edge and here came this man, stark naked riding his horse at full speed down the canyon with his shirt held above his head and the wind blowing it straight out behind him. I thought it was terrible that he was flaunting himself so brazenly, not knowing if there might be some ladies coming down the canyon, and since there happened to be an outhouse setting there, I pushed it over the rim on top of him, killing him. After thinking for a few minutes I realized that I didn't know the circumstances and I shouldn't have caused the mans death. I was so remorseful that I flung myself over the cliff in shame , And, Saint Peter, that is how I got here." Saint Peter told him that since he did show remorse, even though what he did was very wrong, he would let him go on in to Heaven. The second man said, "Well, I'm a trapper too, and I was running my trapline at the bottom of this canyon and I found a very large angry skunk in one of my traps. Before I could get close enough to club him, he sprayed me all over with his scent. I got sick and was puking and almost unable to breathe, so I stripped off my clothes, and took a bath in the creek, washed my clothes and since I figured there was nobody within miles, I would ride towards home naked, until my clothes I was holding over my shoulder dried. I thought if I rode fast, the air would dry them faster. Then out of nowhere, this outhouse fell on me and, Saint Peter, that is how I got here. Saint Peter told him that since he didn't do anything wrong, that he could go on in to Heaven. The third man said, Well, Saint Peter, I am a trapper too, and I was riding along the rim of this canyon, looking for a good place to take a crap, and all of a sudden I saw this outhouse.

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday." At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi. "Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

In the beginning there was the Void, and you couldn't find a decent bloody beer, or for that matter, anything else decent anywhere. Then God spake, saying unto the Cosmos "I want a decent bloody biscuit!" And chocolate chip bickies appeared. God tasted them and they were chewy and fatty and rich - and God saw that they were good. Then God looked forth for someone to tell how good the bloody beaut bickies were, but there was Void, and fuck-all else, so God created a place, and called it "Here." And then, probably because he was bored shitless, God caused to appear a man, right here, and called him "You." Then God spake, "Hey You, try one of these bloody beaut bickies, they're great!" "You" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and raved as to the goodness thereof. Then "You" looked for someone else to tell about the wondrous bloody beaut bickies of chocolate chip, but there was no one but him and God, and God already knew of them. So "You" spake unto God, beseeching, "Who can I tell about these bloody beaut bickies?" With this in mind, God created woman, and called her "Wowza," for her form was exceedingly fair to look upon. "You" then spake unto her and said, "Wowza, you bloody well have to try one of these bloody beaut bickies!" "Wowza" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and said "Yeah well, they're OK." Then she hid herself from "You" and God, and ate the entire box of bloody beaut bickies As a result God waxed wrathful and spake, "You! Where are my bloody beaut bickies?" "You" turned and cried, "Wowza! the bitch - She fucken gutzed the whole box!" For this God sent forth a curse of biblical proportion called "cellulite" and smote "Wowza" horrendously on each of her hips, causing "You" to look upon her and go "Fuck me! What a fat bitch" Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce set, did appear and sent to "Wowza" a divorce lawyer to comfort her in her grief. And thus did "Here" become a place of bedevilment and God quoth, "Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and I'll be buggered if I am telling anyone, including "You" Thus, it is written ...

Two beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?

It is the year 25 after Christ's birth and Mother Mary is worried. Her son has not had any contact with women whatsoever and she orders Mary Magdalene to organize the sleaziest hooker of all of Bethlehem for her son. Amen: She arrived, grabbed the young man's hand after an approving and obviously favourable look and dragged him into the bedroom. The door closed and all was calm until the door flew back open again and the prostitute came running out of the bedroom screaming and cursing and leaving the house. Mother Mary was a bit taken aback and went to talk to her son who was lying on the bed, chewing an apple and obviously being quite content with himself. "What happened here?" she asked. Jesus looked at her surprised "I don't know. It all went exactly the way the other guys always said it would be. She looked me in the eyes, I looked her in the eyes. She kissed me, I kissed her back. She started to pet me, so I pet her. Her hand went up my thigh and so did mine on hers. Then her hand went between my legs and my hand went between her legs." "Then what?" Mary pressed on. "Then," Jesus continued, "I felt that she was amputated there and so I healed her."

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity." Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans closer to Hef and whispers in his ear... "Tits" A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell. St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks and provocative behaviour. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity." Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to whisper in her ear. A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!" The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place." "Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here." So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?" "Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears. Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise. "Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice. "No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?" The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker." "Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk. The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?" The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks. Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers 10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8) 9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! 8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! 7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace! 6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! 5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays! 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11) 3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17) 2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again? 1. Moses, Quit setting fire to the bushes!

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Jokes