SMS and Jokes

Religion (Jokes)

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin." A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "What? " Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

One sunny summer day four rabbis are having a discussion on some part of the Torah. Three agree on one explanation but the fourth one stands on the other. Being tired of this conversation he raises his arms and says, "God, give me a sign to prove that I'm right!" Suddenly, thunder clouds appear out of nowhere and cover the sky. The three other rabbis think for a while and say, "Nah, that's just a coincidence" So, the rabbi raises his hands again and screams, "God, please give these thickheads more proof that I'm right!" Suddenly, a thunderbolt strikes a tree just in front of them but three rabbis say, "Well, there's always lightning coming with thunder, it's still must be a coincidence." So, the rabbi raises his hands for the third time and says, "Oh, God, they are so stupid but you know I'm right, please give them a sign even they would understand." Suddenly, a hole appears in the clouds right above them, bright light comes through it on the ground and a thunderlike voice from above says, "HE IS RIGHT!" The other rabbis think for a while and then say, "Well, still it's three against two..."

The Minister's sermon cautioned the parishioners against having sex on the Sabbath because it is work...not play. That didn't seem quite right to Dave so he goes into a Catholic church and poses the question to a priest...is sex work or play? "Sex is classified as work, my son, and must be avoided on the Sabbath," says the priest. Dave thanks him for his counsel and wonders what the hell a priest knows about sex, so he decides to visit a synagogue. There he confronts Rabbie Garfein who can draw upon the wisdom of a religion nearly 6000 years old. "Well, my boy," smiles the Rabbi. "Sex is most definitely play." Naturally Dave is pleased with this answer but asks the Rabbi on what basis he is so certain that it is play...not work. "My boy," sighs Rabbi Garfein, "if it were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

The following are actual church bulletin bloopers: 1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams. 11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. 17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." 20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. 21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 26. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted. Th e clouds part, a ray of sunshine beams down on him and a majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

A Cambridge grad Ben dies and goes to Hell. The devil himself meets him surrounded by fire and lightning and offers to show the new boy around the place. They pass sights that are so horrible that they have not even been seen on channel 4, they hear sounds that would make mortals go insane with fear and they smell rotten and burning flesh everywhere. Eventually they arrive at a door marked Oxbridge Graduates room, and wails and gnashing of teeth can be heard outside. "This is where you will spend the rest of eternity." the devil smirks. Ben is obviously less than happy having to share all eternity with a bunch of Oxford boys, but says nothing and assumes that this is indeed hell. As Ben enters the room he notices that everyone is being force-fed lemonade with beer through straws; some people are being buggered senseless by large men with masks on; everyone however is wearing a duck egg blue scarf. Ben slightly perturbed by the fact that no Oxford Grads seem to have gone to hell asks the prince of darkness "Why are there no Oxford grads in hell?" "AAAHHH", said the devil "We used to have them until we realised this was their idea of heaven!"

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and lets the man enter. A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

A middle aged woman is on the operating table for bypass surgery when she has a near-death experience. She is floating above the room and sees God. "Excuse me, God," she says, "Is this the end?" "Oh no, my dear," says God. "You have another forty years to live." When she recovers, she decides to remain in the hospital for a complete makeover, knowing she's going to be around for another forty years. She gets a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, new hairline, etc. Leaving the hospital, she steps off the curb to cross to the parking lot and is immediately hit and killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God and is a bit upset. "You told me I had another forty years to live and now I'm dead! What's the big idea?" "Sorry, my mistake ... I didn't recognize you."

At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come, but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass, but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ." The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun. "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman. Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'"

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew
" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John
" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke
" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas
" "The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" "Big tits" replied the Pope.

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door number two. Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife." Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"

This priest and a nun were travelling in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden the camel died. The nun and the priest looked around and decided that was it. They prayed and thought about it a bit more----then they decided to do something that they never did before. They decided to have sex. So, the nun took her clothes off. She is so beautiful and curvacious. The priest took his clothes off. The nun took one look at the groin area and asked: "what is that?'. The priest took the thing with his hands and said: " Sister, this is what gives life!" The nun said:" Well why don't you stick it in the dead camel so we can get the fuck out of here!"

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you". When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie? A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

A preacher stood up in front of his congregation one Sunday morning, looking really down in the mouth. He said, "I have heard some very disturbing rumors about me this past week and I feel I must address them this morning. I heard that one of my congregation has been going around saying that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan." "This is just simply untrue and I would like the member who has been telling this fabrication to please stand and confess this lie to the congregation." After a few minutes, a shapely blonde on the front pew timidly stands up and looks around at the congregation. She says, "I just don't know how my conversation got so misconstrued. What I said was, 'The Pastor is a wizard under the sheets!'"

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "Geez! Fidel hasn't been in hell ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, 1. cooked breakfast for his mate, 2. awakened the kids, 3. set out their school clothes, 4. fed them breakfast, 5. packed their lunches, 6. drove them to school, 7. came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 8. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, 9. went grocery shopping, 10. then drove home to put away the groceries, 11. pay the bills and balance the check book. 12. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and 13. he hurried to make the beds, 14. do the laundry, 15. vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 16. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. 17. Set out cookies and milk and 18. got the kids organized to do their homework, then 19. set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 20. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, 21. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper 22. he cleaned the kitchen, 23. ran the dishwasher, 24. folded laundry, 25. bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. 26. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an altar boy

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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