SMS and Jokes

Religion (Jokes)

Normally getting caught singing in the shower isn't such a bad thing. But when I was busted belting out, "Take me down to the Vatican City, where the smoke is white and the boys are pretty!" I knew my days as an up-and-coming cardinal were numbered.

The first cardinal has had to withdraw from the selection process to be the new pope. All down to his name, another Polish gentlemen by the name of Sicola. Seems they could not have a Pope Sicola

There was an exorcism in Boston last week. It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians."

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behaviour of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham. When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?" The man replied, "The Lord did!" "AMEN" shouted the congregation. "My good man, who put food on your table?" "The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted. "AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response. "My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosy look to your cheeks?" "Reverend, it was the Lord!" "PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered. Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?" The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him."

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?" All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, "Because, there's something about you that just pisses me off!"

The Vatican announced today that Antonio Federalli, chief cook for over35 years, was summarily fired for cause. He had been uppity with the Pope this morning when he said. "How do you want your eggs, Benedict?"

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbour to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do." They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife." After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in here," Peter said. The Pagan asked why. "You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool." The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort. "Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here." Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan. Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not. The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note. Last Sunday the priest ended with... "Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?" I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name." Later, as he counted the money, he found 21 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."

"As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, at which time he lost his left arm. Capt. Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader."

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. Chief exclaimed........ "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked...... "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop:"Bigger." Chief:"Governor?" Cop:"Bigger." "Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief:"What makes you think it's God?" Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

A judge of some thirty years passed away unexpectedly. Upon his passing he as greeted by an angel who explained he was there to guide the judge to heaven. The angel introduced himself and added, "and I must say it is truly an honour to meet you." As they slowly headed closer to the pearly gates the judge suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and in no uncertain terms said, "Listen, I don't care how rare it is for someone of my stature to make it up here, but if there are any attorneys in there, I'm not going in. I'm tired of them all. I'd rather suffer an eternity in hell than argue with another minute with an attorney." Arriving at the pearly gates, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host, the judge was determined to be worthy to enter heaven. "One moment, St. Peter," said the judge as the gates to heaven swung open for him, "just one thing, I'm tired of being around attorneys. I've been around them all of my life. Are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off and you can just send me to hell right now!" "Certainly not!" cried St. Peter, "You're quite safe. There are no attorneys in here." Feeling reassured, the judge pressed on and through the pearly gates into heaven. The judge found heaven very enjoyable until one day when all of a sudden a very elderly gentleman with a long white beard, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand and a handful of papers in the other pushed past him mumbling something about be late for court. Enraged, the judge stormed back to St. Peter. "Hey! St. Peter!" cried the judge, "You said there were no attorneys here." "There aren't," stammered St. Peter. "I bed to differ," the angered judge promptly retorted, then pointing to the elderly man, "What does that elderly guy over there look like to you?" demanded the judge. "Oh my," St. Peter said laughingly, "That's not an attorney! -- That's God. He just thinks he's an attorney!"

The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.

Little Johnny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the top of the head and whatnot until a passing cop stopped him. "What's going on here!" bellowed the officer. "It's like this officer," winked Little Johnny. "I am on my way over to the church to go to confession, and I'm a little short of material...."

The Book Seller's Association, a professional group of book store owner's , believe there's another impressive new book arriving from the publisher's this week that will be sharing the spotlight with President Clinton's hefty new tome. It's a combined literary effort by ministers Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert and the association believes it will sell well, especially in the southern bible belt states. It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church is always the first to fill now." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued. "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid that you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that." "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell," just can't stay on the church roof."

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours. It also warns us to love our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same people.

Three Religious Truths 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday." At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi. "Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T! "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve.. we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five- hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious!"

A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims, "Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?" Her surprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."

It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small grey desk. "Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate." "Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?" "I don't have any orders, " said the Pope. "Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then." The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep. Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?" "A Naval Aviator," the young man replies. The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I laboured hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!" The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Naval Aviator who has ever made it!"

A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow. "I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for." "Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here He's got work for you to do." Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, screw Him,... I'm not a-gonna do it."

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" the friend asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry: "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

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Jokes