SMS and Jokes

Politics (Jokes)

A man walked into a country bar and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie Blair appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Blair country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off of his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a huge hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

A guy walks in to a pub and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "Were planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, were going to kill 30 million Iraquis this time and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 30 million Iraquis!

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Tony Blair (he of the supercilious grin) was visiting a local nursing home. Much to the embarrassment of the local civic dignitaries, and indeed to Saint Tony himself, no one seemed to know who he was. Not to be put out our hero walked up to two of the residents who were sitting nearby. "Do you know who I am" he asked smiling all the while. "No" they replied puzzled. "But if you go and see Matron she will be able to tell you, she keeps a list in the office with everyone's name on you know".

Tony Blair died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Ian Paisley handcuffed to Marilyn Monroe. When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"

A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies ; FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui. LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

President Bush is flying back to the USA from a visit to Brazil. As Airforce 1 crosses over the Alabama coastline he looks down and sees 2 white guys in a speedboat towing a black guy. He instructs the pilot to descend to 100 feet and switch on the loudhailer system. "Howdy guys, this is your president George W. I just wanted to say how much it gladdens my heart to see such a fine example of racial integration in Alabama. You all have a nice day now" And Airforce 1 climbs back up to its cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. One of the white guys in the boat turns to the other and says. "You know, he may be a great president but he sure as hell knows fuck all about shark fishing"

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr." "Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause... The second terrorist says, wistfully... "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen." One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What happen to you?" Robert asks. "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe. The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

Saddam Hussein, the Pope and Bush are the sole survivors of a plane crashing into the sea. There is only one life jacket and they argue over who should get it. Bush: "I should get the jacket because I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world" Pope: "I think I should get it because I am the leader of the Catholic Church." Saddam Hussein: "Lets vote on it" Saddam won buy 12 votes.

More Cows - What could you do with Two Cows? TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute... CANADIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh? CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. IRISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate. ISRAELI CAPITALISM: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? CUBAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida. DISNEY CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They dance & sing. MICROSOFT CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them. HOLLYWOOD CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command. CLINTON CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them. BUREAUCRATIC CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. GORE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You claim you invented them. REAL-WORLD CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. IRAQI CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons. PERESTROIKA CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. JEWISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days. MORMON CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well. TEXAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns. TOTALITARIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. NEVADAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them. JEHOVAH'S WITNESS CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do. BUREAUCRAT CAPITALISM: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. REAL CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. ENVIRONMENTAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them. CALIFORNIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They are happy. BUSH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. MARTHA STEWART CAPITALISM: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down. AYN RAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it is fun to decide what you would do. The situation: You are in Yorkshire, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructure destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. Suddenly, you stumble across an Airforce helicopter crash. It's Tony Blair and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a Prime Minister. The question is: What shutter speed would you use?

Tony Blair is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor comes along and knocks him down dead, that would be a tragedy." No, says Tony, that would be an accident. A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not explains Tony. That's what we would call a great loss. The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Blair searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??. Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If an Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Blair was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." Fantastic, exclaims Tony that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??. "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.

At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore. "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties." "What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. "Read my lips: No more Bush."

Tony Blair goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa. At the airport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Tony realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is. At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?" The President looks Blair straight in the eye and says, "Well you know that may be true Prime Minister, but I was just as puzzled as to why you have a Minister of Health?"

Cherie Blaire died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move. "Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that? "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Tony's clock?" Cherie asked. "Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. George falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" George says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Member of Parliament into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ... Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Q. Tony Blair and the Labour Party Cabinet take a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved? A. Great Britain

Two Palestinian girls are walking down the street in Jerusalem, their flowing gowns blowing in the wind. One turns to the other and says "does my bomb look big in this?"

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . . . and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his cows serviced by a bull. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! And I'll tell you one thing, the cows enjoy it far more than I do.

How do you get 20 Government Cabinet Members in a mini-van? Promote one to Prime Minister and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied. "And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered. "Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]

Jokes