SMS and Jokes

Politics (Jokes)

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically Yours.

An assistant on the freshman Senator's staff walked into his office one morning with a thick legal pad. After discussing a number of legislative issues, the woman asked, "What do you want to do about the abortion bill?" "Well," replied the Senator, "I suppose we ought to pay it."

Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, "Mr. President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did the banners say?" President Bush asked. Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN." "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called," President Bush responded. "Last night I, too, had a similar dream. I dreamed I saw all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined. "It had been rebuilt completely and on each house was an enormous banner." "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked. "I don't know," replied President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Federal Aviation Agency 800 Independence Avenue S.W. Washington D.C. 20591 Dear Sirs: I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales . Now why didn't Congress think of this? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Donald Rumsfeld's Iraq Dictionary Slog (Leek) v. To make agonizingly slow progress, such as a trying to get through a press conference without getting caught in another lie. Progress (lie-ing-yor-ass-off) n. 1. Moving towards a fixed date, vaguely after the next election sometime. 2. All the news other than the constant failures and attacks you didn't plan on. Exit Strategy (quayg-mi-er)n. Vague timetable for completion of task, sometime after the next election. See also: Vietnam Unimportant (fale-yur) adj. Things that cannot be found. See also: Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden People of Iraq (hall-i-burr-tawn) n. Excuse for remaining in place until oil contracts are secure. Irrelevant (wine-ing) adj. Countries and organizations that will not blindly do your bidding. Diplomacy (skrood-up) n. 1. Peaceful and productive interactions between countries, often involving listening rather than demanding. 2. Something not seen since January 2001. Real Situation in Iraq (un-fare) n. Something damn media keeps reporting on, except for that brilliant FAUX NEWS. Evil (eks-kews) adj. Dictatorial governments that suppress human rights but do not sell us oil or serve a convenient political purpose. Strong Leadership (chik-en-hok) adj. 1. What you keep telling people you have in order to cover up your failures. 2. What you keep saying until the next election. 9-11 (Miss-yews) n. 1. Event that can be used to justify wars and political campaigns that have no relation to it. 2. Something Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with, but you keep saying in the same breath as his name anyway. Truth (Spin) n. ?

THE TITANIC VIDEO AND THE CLINTON VIDEO Alas, which one to buy??? TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...basically the same thing

Former British Foreign Secretary, George Brown once asked a glamorous figure in a purple dress for a dance at an official reception. "There are three reasons I will not dance with you," he was told. "One, you are very drunk. Two, they are playing the national anthem and, three, I am the Archbishop of Lima."

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

After the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving, George Dubya Bush was on his way home. The pilot of Air Force One changed the course, due to inclement weather, and they flew several thousand miles south of their normal course. After awhile, the storms let up, and the pilot informed Dubya that, since they'd flown so far off their normal course, Air Force One was running low on fuel. They would be landing at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia to refuel, which would take about an hour. Dubya decided to visit the men at the base, figuring it was only fair, since he'd visited the troops in Iraq. While visiting with the men, he suddenly felt a call from Nature. He went to the nearest facilities to relieve himself, and found himself standing at a urinal right next to a large black sergeant. Dubya looked over and observed that the black guy next to him had the stereotypical huge unit. So he asked him why black guys have such big dicks. The black guy says, "Well, it's like this, Mr. President. It's because of the way we fuck. We jam it in quick, but then pull it out slowly. Then we jam it in quick again, and pull it out slowly. We keep doing it that way, which stretches it just a bit each time, and after a while, it gets this big." So Dubya decided to try this. After returning to the White House, he followed this technique whenever he allowed Laura the privilege of servicing him. He checked his length every day, but observed no increase. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked Laura if she has noticed anything different. "Yes, for the past three weeks or so you've been fucking like a nigger!"

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said: "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said: "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

After the Micro-Surgeons conference in New York the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks began to reminisce over their greatest feats. The first, An English surgeon explained : "We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body, and ultimately when he returned to the workforce he was so efficient that he put 5 men out of work. "That's nothing " added the American surgeon, "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the workforce : He is so efficient now he has put 50 men out of work. The Irish surgeon not to be out done: "I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so, I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an asshole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a guy called Charlie Haughey (Irish Prime Minister), and he put a whole fucking country out of work.

The speech Clinton should have given ? My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing - explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own. Did this really happen? Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for? I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era? Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology? I don't think so. But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better. I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right? And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood. Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid. I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job. And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis. Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex. Yeah, right, it's about lying. Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick? If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only source of political legitimacy? And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want. You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here it is. The bitch gives great fucking head. Thank you and goodnight.

The British government is considering the the introduction of two new, but unconnected laws: The raising of the age when cigarettes can be legally bought from 16 to 18. The lowering of the age of consent for (male) homosexual sex from 18 to 16. "Isn't it ironic that it will be illegal for anyone to put a cigarette in their mouth until they're 18, but they'll be able to have a fag up the arse at 16 !"

A genuine quote from BBC Breakfast Time yesterday morning: "George Bush has ordered an enquiry. He is unhappy with the intelligence he was given". Well if you're at the back of the queue......

Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. "Number 1 - He played the sax. "Number 2 - He smoked weed. "and Number 3 - He messed with ugly white women." "Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't; And, he gets a check from the government every month."

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says: "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says: "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers: "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi and whispers back: ..."It's because it takes place in the future...."

It's clearly a budget. It's got lots of numbers in it Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. The crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants. A low voter turn-out is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. One of the greatest things about books is sometimes there are fantastic pictures. I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. The senator (John McCain) has to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road. We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile. One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared". Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know them. It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case. I think we agree, the past is over. We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy. I understand small business growth. I was one. Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness. Will the highways on the Internet become more few. I am mindful of not only preserving executive power for myself, but for predecessors as well. I hope the ambitious realise that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure. The future will be better tomorrow. Nigeria is an important continent

Six presidents on a sinking ship Ford: "What do we do?" Bush: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan: "What lifeboats?" Carter: "Women first!" Nixon: "Screw the women!" Clinton: "You think we have time?"

George Bush, a man like a rock. Only dumber.

Question: How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and southerners? Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. Conservative Answer: BANG! Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Smith & Wesson Hollow Points?"

EVIDENCE OF WMD IN SHIRE (Mordor Mail) - Mordor spies have uncovered evidence of a Weapon of Mass Destruction. In an interview yesterday, The Voice of Sauron said "We now have incontrovertible proof that the hobbits possess this weapon. Our spies have performed a detailed analysis of thintelligence and have found consistent references to 'Shire' and 'Baggins'." When asked to comment on suggestions that the weapon was manufactured in Mordor, The Voice said "Mistakes may have been made in the past, but that does not release us from our obligation to deal with the very real threat which faces us today." WEAPON INSPECTORS MOVE IN (Isengard Informer) - Officials are seeking confirmation from Mordor that nine weapon inspectors have been sent to The Shire to investigate the claims that the hobbits have the WMD. "We know it is there" said a senior government official, "we can sort of smell it." The nine Weapon inspectors are expected to cross the River Isen shortly before midsummer's eve. No-one in The Shire was available for comment. NO WMDs FOUND (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials were last night unrepentant about their decision to send weapon inspectors into The Shire. "Just because we didn't find anything, doesn't mean that it isn't there." Officials now believe that the Weapon may have been moved into neighbouring territory and have issued a stern statement to other races not to interfere with the hunt for terrorists. In a separate incident, officials have also released a recent picture of Gandalf The Grey. Tall and bearded, the wizard has been associated with the hobbits and is considered to be assisting them. "This man must be caught" said an official. LEADERS IDENTIFY AXIS OF EVIL (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron issued a stern statement, seen as provocative by many. In it, he described Dwarves, Elves and Men as an 'Axis of Evil'. Intelligence sources believe that the three races could be harbouring a group of terrorists known as 'The Fellowship' and again issued a stern warning for them not to interfere. "You're either with us - or against us" said The Voice. "There is no middle ground.". Asked to comment on the statement, Lord Elrond replied "il-lasta. Suurohenulka." Mordor officials have now appealed for anyone who can translate Quenya Elvish to contact them. ISENGARD TO JOIN COALITION (Insengard Informer) - Saruman yesterday confirmed what many have suspected - that Isengard will be joining Sauron in the war of the ring. "Isengard has always had a 'special relationship' with Mordor and it is right that we stand shoulder to shoulder with Sauron at this difficult time" said Saruman in a statement yesterday. Saruman also confirmed that armed forces would be prepared for battle. Though exact numbers and the nature of the battle itself were a closely guarded secret, an insider confirmed that they are to be armed and ready in two weeks. WEAPON INSPECTORS WITHDRAWN (Mordor Mail) - Weapon inspectors have been pulled out of Northern Middle Earth. Officials have been frustrated by the lack of co-operation and have instructed them to return to Mordor. Sauron is now considering his next strategy. Reports of an incident on Weathertop which suggest that all nine inspectors were repelled by one man with a flaming brand have been denied. "We hear lots of stories like this and we think it's best to wait for the facts to emerge rather than pay lip-service to local gossip." said an un-named official. Locals have said that, following the attack at Weathertop, several of the riders were seen floating down the River Bruinnen after being un-horsed by a single female Elf. Officials have refused to comment. WE GOT HIM (Isengard Chronicle) - Scenes of jubilation at Isengard as reports of the capture of the bearded wizard are confirmed. "We knew it was only a matter of time" said Grishnakh, a senior orc. What surprised many was the nature of the capture. It seems that after many months in the wilderness, the bearded wizard simply gave himself up and entered Isengard willingly. He is being held at an undisclosed location - believed by many to be on the top of Isengard itself. Early reports suggest that the wizard is refusing to co-operate. INCURSIONS CONDEMNED BY ENTS (Isengard Chronicle) - The leader of the Ents yesterday condemned recent incursions into Fangorn. Suggesting that the attacks may have come from Isengard, Treebeard has called on Saruman to condemn them and issue assurances that they will stop. Saruman confirmed that the attacks had taken place but refused to condemn them saying that the orcs had a right to defend themselves. He added that there were many documented incidents which show the trees in Fangorn to be hostile. WIZARD ON THE LOOSE (Isengard Chronicle) - Embarrassed officials yesterday admitted that reports which heralded the capture of the bearded wizard, may have been premature. Early reports indicate that eagles assisted in a daring escape. There are suspicions that Gandalf may be hiding in the hills around Caradhras, though some reports suggest he is being protected by the Elves. INSURGENCY CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The Voice of Sauron has called on the Elves to make a statement regarding allegations that a small number of insurgents were seen crossing the southern border into the vale of Moria. The Elves released a statement following the incident but there is still no-one in Mordor who can understand what they said. The Voice repeated his assertion that he believed the Elves to be part of an 'Axis of Evil' and called on the Elves to renounce violence in all its forms or face the consequences. SHOCK AND AWE (Isengard Chronicle) - Saruman of Isengard was called to make a statement to Mordor yesterday following the failure of the planned "Shock and Awe" tactics. Expecting a quick end to the war, Isengard unleashed a Balrog of Morgoth into the mines of Moria, where the insurgents were believed to be holding out. Unfortunately, the intense and dramatic display of power failed to have the desired effect and the insurgents appear to have escaped across a bridge which was later broken, preventing any pursuit. Intelligence officials have stated that they believe the bearded wizard was killed in the attack but this has yet to be confirmed. REGIME CHANGE LIKELY (Mordor Mail) - Frustrated by a lack of co-operation, The Voice of Sauron made his clearest indication yet that 'Regime Change' was a likely course of action in the battle to bring democracy to Gondor. The people of Gondor are living under a dictatorship. They have no free will and no democratically elected leader. Asked to comment on the apparent disparity between this view, and the fact that Sauron didn't actually win an election, The Voice replied "The people of Mordor have sworn an oath of allegiance to the Eye. All orcs understand the current situation and support the governments attempts to preserve democracy in all the lands of Middle Earth." THE HUNT CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The whereabouts of the nine insurgents continues to mystify the Isengard government. Following the failure of the recent Shock and Awe tactic, nothing has been seen of any of the remaining eight rebels. Reports from within Moria suggest that the bearded wizard Gandalf may still be alive, though officials believe also that recent sightings could be a look-alike. PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AN OPTION (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron yesterday refused to rule out the option of 'pre-emptive strike' to bring neighbouring regions under the cover of 'democracy'. Recent skirmishes on the borders of Mordor have led to increased tension in the area. "All options are being considered" said a spokesman. SUPPORT FOR WILDMEN JUSTIFIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman came out on the offensive following criticism of his support for the wildmen. "The horseman took their land and drove them into the hills to scratch a living off rocks" he was quoted as saying yesterday. Asked if he thought his strategy to 'burn every village' was likely to win hearts and minds, he said "History will be my judge." In a separate incident, Saruman refused to comment on a leaked transcript of messages between Isengard and Mordor. Saruman insisted that in the first message (The old world will burn in the fires of industry. The forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Orc), his comments were taken out of context. When asked to comment on the second message - "Rohan, my lord, is ready to fall". Saruman repeated "History will be my judge." CLEAR LINKS BETWEEN GONDOR AND ROHAN (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron confirmed that Rohan is a legitimate target for military action. "There are clear links between Gondor and Rohan" said a spokesman. "Our leader has made clear the penalty for co-operation with a known enemy". PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE ONLY OPTION (Isengard Informer) - Saruman confirmed last night that 10,000 orcs have been despatched to Rohan in a pre-emptive strike. So far they have met little resistance, however, this is expected to change as they approach the outskirts of Helm's Deep. ROHAN LINKED TO WIZARD. WAR INEVITABLE (Mordor Mail) - Last night, intelligence reports confirmed that definite links exist between Rohan and the rebel wizard Gandalf. Although there is no empirical proof, Gandalf has been known to be riding a horse provided by the Rohan regime. The Voice of Sauron described the findings as 'significant' and warned of severe consequences if they are found to be true. No comment was made regarding the search for the weapon of mass destruction. ROHAN EXPELS ISENGARD DIPLOMAT (Isengard Informer) - War moved closer last night with news that Grima son of Galmod, the Isengard ambassador to Rohan was unceremoniously expelled from the capital of Edoras. "They flung me down the stairs" said a battered Grima. Saruman added "This proves the hostility and unpleasantness of these people and destroys any hope for peace." WAR DECLARED. HELM'S DEEP FIRST (Isengard Informer) - Ten thousand orc troops are expected to descend on Helm's Deep before nightfall today. With only three hundred poorly trained Rohan soldiers to defend it, the war is not expected to last long. Saruman said this morning "I believe with every fibre of instinct and conviction I have, that the decision to go to war is the right one." HELM'S DEEP MASSACRE DENIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman continued to deny claims of a massacre at Helm's Deep insisting that only a small number of casualties were reported. "The troops withdrew in the face of unexpected strong opposition from the Rohirrim" said a spokesman. There were some casualties but they were fewer than those suffered by the Rohan regime. Saruman dismissed the withdrawal as a minor setback and added that the decision had been taken because Helm's Deep was now considered 'strategically unimportant'. ISENGARD ATTACK CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Leaders across Mordor condemned a cowardly attack on Isengard. The incident left much of the surrounding area under water, and killed an unknown number of orcs. Two of the remaining hobbit insurgents were believed to have masterminded the attack. It is understood that planes were used in the offensive - along with beeches, oaks, chestnuts and ashes. WMD IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron last night called on Denethor, steward of Gondor, to "come clean" about the weapon of mass destruction. Intelligence reports confirm that the weapon is hidden in Gondor. Saruman of Isengard also confirmed suspicions adding "Are we to believe that he doesn't have the weapon? That he would allow one of the other insurgents to carry it. I say that such a claim is palpably absurd." The Voice of Sauron went on to clarify that the decision to go to war is a clear one. "We have provided the right diplomatic way through this, which is to lay down a clear ultimatum to Denethor: cooperate or face disarmament by force. All the way through we have tried to provide a diplomatic solution." The Voice went on later to say "should Denethor choose confrontation, the orcs of Mordor can know that every measure has been taken to avoid war." WAR IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - War broke out in the early hours of this morning. Orc troops quickly took the city of Osgiliath after limited resistance. Military strategists are pausing to re-group. They are expected to move on to the capital city of Minas Tirith before dawn. SUICIDE WARRIORS CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials called on leaders across Middle Earth to condemn a suicide charge by a regiment of Gondor soldiers - promising that the perpetrators would be found and brought to justice. Using warriors in this ways signals a disturbing change of tactics by the Gondorians. "There can be no justification for this evil" said a spokesman. DISBELIEF AS GONDOR RAISES DEAD (Mordor Mail) - Coalition leaders were united in their condemnation regarding the use of undead spirits to attack Mordor warriors. "What depths will these people stoop to? This is clearly in breach of the Mirkwood Accord" said an unnamed orc. Officials dismissed the incident saying that only a small number of insurgents remained. They also repeated their determination to stay until the job is done. "Do not stop the attack until the city is taken" an orc commander is quoted as saying. GONDOR TACTICS AGAIN UNDER FIRE (Mordor Mail) - The death of the military commander of the Gondor assault was confirmed last night. Although significant, this is not considered a major setback. The Voice of Sauron described how The Witch King of Angmar was apparently slaughtered by a woman. A hobbit insurgent is also believed to have been involved in the attack. "It is unthinkable that these people now use women in their brutal offensives - at least we never thought they would think of it" said a source. SARUMAN ANNOUNCES WMD INQUIRY (Isengard Informer) - Saruman the 'Whiter than White' finally bowed to overwhelming public calls for an inquiry into the decision to go to war. Maintaining that he still considered the war to be 'morally justified', he acknowledged the need for an inquiry. He added: "I think we've done the right thing, not just because Rohan was a dangerous place under Theoden but also because the rest of the world needs to know that this issue will be tackled with firmness." The inquiry will be far reaching and look into all aspects of the decision to go to war. Saruman the White confirmed that the inquiry would be handled by an independent review body, led by Grima son of Galmod. WMD READY IN 45 MINUTES (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials confirmed yesterday that Aragorn, along with a small number of insurgents had gathered at the gates of Mordor. Terror alert status in Mordor was raised to "Code Orange" in anticipation of an attack. Officials rejected advice of intelligence officials and refused to raise the alert level to "Code Red". While confirming some intelligence reports that the WMD may actually be inside Mordor itself, the dismissed the reports as erroneous. "We are confident that Aragorn still has the WMD" said the official in charge of the search. Although he called for patience, he predicted that doubters were in for a "surprise" by the time his work was done. TERROR ATTACK ON MORDOR (Isengard Informer) - Reports are flooding in of a terror attack in Mordor - believed to be the first attack on Mordor soil for several hundred years. Saruman The White issued the following statement. "There have been the most terrible, shocking events taking place in Mordor within the last hour or so. I'm afraid we can only imagine the terror and the carnage there, and the many, many innocent orcs that will have lost their lives. I know that you would want to join with me in sending the deepest condolences to Sauron and to the Orcs on behalf of Isengard. It is understood that shortly after the attack, the tower of Barad Dur along with the twin towers of Narchost and Carchost collapsed.

than German (the other possibility). I have to tell you that this is not the defeat it may appear. As part of the negotiations, HM Government conceded to Bonn that English spelling may have some room for improvement and also accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules for the language, plus a total reclassification as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1: the soft 'c' will be replaced with 's'. Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump for joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. This should klear-up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. In year 2: it is antisipated that public enthusiasm will grow as the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f' to reduse words by up to 20%, eg: 'fotograf'. This is also part of Europe's 'Green Master Plan' for redusing electrisity konsumption.. In year 3: publik akseptanse of the new EuroEnglish spelling kan be expekted to reakh a stage where more komplex changes bekome possible. Partisipating Euro Goverments will enkourage the removal of al double letters - which have long been recognised as a deterent to akurate speling. Also: al partisipating Governments have agred that the horible mes kreated by silent 'e's in the language is wastful and will be a welkom elimination. By year 4: people will be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v', zus saving even more keyboard spas! In year 5: ze unesesary 'o' kan be droped from vords kontaing 'ou' and similar khanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ziz fifz year, ve vil hav a rely sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everyvun vil find it ezy to understand eakh ozer. ZEN ZE DREAM OF ZE ZIRD REICH VIL HAV KOM TRU UND VE VIL HAV VON AFTER AL!

Father Son Chat DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk. SON - What's up, Dad? DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar? SON - From The President of the United States.

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco "Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."! "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? Clark: This dead bulb is a serious national security problem. You can't fight terrorism in the dark. It's not just a one-sided mechanical problem, it's a vision problem. It's about persuading people that the light bulb needs to be changed. And I'm the only one of us who's gone out and bought light bulbs and changed them. I've changed them in Bosnia. Those Serb snipers kept shooting 'em out, and I put new ones right back in. Dean: The insiders in Washington want you to believe that only they can change the light bulb! The power to bring light to this room is in your hands! It's time to take the ladder back! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YEEAAAAAGGGGHHH! Edwards: I have spent my life fighting against powerful special interests that keep you in the dark, that keep you from getting the light you deserve. Who's in the best position to change this light bulb, people who've spent their lives in politics, letting lobbyists write our energy bills, or someone who will stand up for you against these powerful interests that are taking your light away? Gephardt: We need a whole new approach to lighting this room. We've had to deal with Republicans who say they want us to have light but don't want to pay for the bulb. We're not coming up with a long-term policy that will reduce our dependence on foreign-made light bulbs. And I've spent a lot of time at the top of a ladder thinking about how to get that done. Graham: 10:58 - removed new bulb from box. 10:59 - climbed ladder, removed fixture, unscrewed old bulb. 11:00 - screwed new bulb in, replaced fixture. 11:01 - threw out old bulb. 11:02 - made sandwich. Kerry: Eighteen months ago I voted not to change the light bulb, and I stand by that vote, because I trusted our president when he said the bulb did not need to be changed. Now I feel differently, and I realize that the bulb does need to be changed. I'm not in favor of putting in a 100-watt bulb. I believe what we need at this time is a 75-watt bulb. But these crooked, lying Republicans will tell you that you're un-American if you say we need light at all. Kucinich: I'm telling you, compact fluorescents last three years on average and use one-fourth the power of incandescent bulbs. Why won't you listen to me? Lieberman: Howard Dean would plunge us into an era of darkness that would last NINE HUNDRED YEARS. Moseley Braun: At some point we have to show that women have a role in changing light bulbs too. Sharpton: When you let this bulb go out, you let hope go out in the hearts of the disenfranchised people in this country who need light. They've got plenty of light up in the clubhouse, but they want to send the people out to the doghouse. They're afraid that if the light comes on, we'll see their hands in our pockets. You can't spell "greed" without "GE." Bush: We've got a war going on. Now is not the time to be changing light bulbs. Nader: These mass concentrations of power, privilege, and wealth have placed their rampaging global quest for maximum profits in the way of bringing light to the millions of excluded, expendable workers who make the bulbs and ... hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back here! Roy Moore: All light comes from God.

In light of the Madrid bombing and other events in Europe, France has raised its terror alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE" - the only two higher levels are "SURRENDER" and "COLLABORATE.

THE ROBIN WILLIAMS PEACE PLAN What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan. 1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again. 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence. 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them. 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home baby. 6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE... The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

15-04-04 - Bin Laden offers 'Truce' to nations that cease to co-operate with the USA 16-04-04 - France announces an immediate rapprochement with the USA, paving the way for ................. 19-04-04 - France ceases to co-operate with the USA, and accepts Bin Laden's offer of a truce 20-04-04 - New law makes burqas mandatory for all women in France; Paris fashion shows fold.

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