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Politics (Jokes)

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-war demonstration in Washington, DC: "WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED?"

A general practitioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse. "He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from haemorrhoids." "Well, why is he scratching there, then?" "Oh, he's Ted Kennedy . He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

The Justice Department says the "vast majority" of the 1,147 unnamed persons incarcerated in the Sept. 11 investigation are still in custody. But the White House says "the overwhelming number" have been released. If there's a mathematician among the readers, someone please determine what the "overwhelming number" subtracted from the "vast majority" equals. All I come up with is "total governmental bullshit."

third, has acolytes who imply to the Press that a fourth and even finer thing is intended, and yet manages to achieve a fifth thing - which is usually about one-fourteenth part of the square root of fuck all! Oh, just the second-greatest British Prime Minister of the Twenty-first Century! Even the Millipede chap can't be that bad!

POSSIBLE TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK 1. I Suck At My Job 2. What Really Goes Down In The White House 3. How I Blew It In Washington 4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President 5. Clear and Present Boner 6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule 7. Going Back for Gore 8. Podium Girl 9. Secret Services to the President 10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton 11. Deep Inside The Oval Office 12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions 13. She's Chief of MY Staff! 14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes 15. How To Beat Off the Government 16. Going Down and Moving Up 17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet 18. Me and My Big Mouth 19. How To Get Ahead in Business

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota." "Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy." "And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."

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