SMS and Jokes

Police and Law (Jokes)

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home." "That's fine! Oh, and another thing, ma'am. It seems one of the reins has looped across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. Have your husband take care of that right away also!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?" "I'm not sure, something about the Emergency Brake..."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation .Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles (o, o) and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy. "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles (o, o). I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison...

A cop decided to wait outside of a local bar one night. Drunk guys came out of this bar at night, like rats from a sinking ship, to drive home. It was closing time, and one guy stumbled out and almost fell on the curb. He tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. By this time everyone had left the bar. When the driver pulled out, the cop pulled him over and said, "Sir, get out of the car. You're under arrest for drink driving." The cop made the man blow a breathaliser test, and the results were 0.0. The cop asked, "How can this be?" The guy said, "Because tonight officer I'm the designated decoy!"

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

One day this tramp is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says.."Hey fella...What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can't kill it and eat it!" The cop arrests him and takes him to jail... The next day he goes to court and the judge says, "Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and eating it?" The hobo says, "Yes your honor...but I am poor and if I didn't eat it, I would have starved!" The judge pauses a few minutes and says, "Well sir, under the circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go.....but first I want to ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?" The guy thinks for a moment and says..."Well, your Honor.......It's kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

The police recently arrested a man selling tablets which he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through the files, the police noticed it was the fourth time the man was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1798, 1850 and 1909.

A cop arrived at the scene of an accident where a car had smashed into a tree. Rushing up to the vehicle, he asked the driver, "Sir! Are you seriously hurt?" "I don't know," the driver responded. "I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet."

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?" "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman. "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?" Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole
" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.' She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife. The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the man. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your lights in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

It was a sensational and much-publicized murder case, and the court was crowded. In a stern and solemn voice, the clerk of the court was reading out the charges against the man in the dock. "You are hereby charged that on August 27 you battered your wife to death with a hammer..." "You bastard!" yelled a man at the back of the court. The judge banged his gavel and called for silence, and the clerk continued. "You are further charged that, on the same day, you then battered your mother-in-law to death with a hammer..." And again the man at the back of the court yelled out: "You bloody bastard!" It was too much for the judge. Banging his gavel furiously he demanded silence. And then he ordered the man who had been shouting from the back of the court to come forward and explain himself. "What do you mean by this?" demanded the judge. "Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn't charge you with contempt of court?" "Well, it's like this, your Honour," said the man. "I live next door to the accused, you see. And every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer the bastard said he didn't have one!"

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"

Three guys, an Irish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?" The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." The Irish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Irish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Irish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!" The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons; 1, It's none of your damn business; 2, She was my wife; and..... 3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

A large town in West Yorkshire was stolen last night. Police are looking for Leeds.

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill- effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Lawyer."

When the police first arrested Fred West, they asked him if he'd like to admit to any of the alleged murders. He said, "Yeah OK I killed 6 people." Later that day the police go to start digging at the house and eventually find 14 bodies. They went back to the police station to talk to Fred, and they said to him, " I thought you said you killed 6 people". Fred turned and said, "Well what do you expect, I'm a builder, that was only an estimate "

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked sarcastically. "My wife." said the man.

The SAS, the Infantry and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea. First up are the SAS. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor. Next up are the Infantry. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their voices. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy but you got a result, well done" says the Instructor. Lastly in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional cackle of a walkie-talkie: 'sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you' etc. After what seems like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous Instructor. "Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to 5 hours ago!!!" So back they go. Minutes pass, these minutes turn to hours and day turns to night. The next morning the Trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Police, holding the squirrel that is now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate Instructor. The Police team Leader then shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I am a fucking rabbit!"

Picasso came to London. At the railway station, his wristwatch was stolen. "Do you suspect somebody?" the police inspector asked. "Yes, there was that young man who left the train right after me." "If you could draw his likeness, Mr. Picasso, it would facilitate our task very much." Picasso made the requested picture. It was copied and the copies sent to several police stations. Soon afterwards, the police arrested as suspects a lady of 80, a gorilla in the Zoo, a bulldog, and two rhinoceroses.

Mickey Mouse is at the solicitors filing for divorce from Minnie and his lawyer is going through all the relevant paperwork, occasionally sighing and shaking his head. Mickey asks the solicitor what is wrong exactly, to which he replies "Well, Mickey, I've been through all your files and papers and I just can't see how on earth you will be granted a divorce on the grounds that your wife has 'prominent front teeth' ". Mickey sits up in his chair and says to the solicitor "No, no, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

How can you tell a Russian police car from the police cars of other nations? The Russian police car is the only one that goes "Lah-Dah Lah-Dah Lah-Dah"!

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