SMS and Jokes

Police and Law (Jokes)

Having flashed his light into the back of a parked Mini-Van behind a local burger joint, the Policeman gasped, "Are you two actually having sex in the parking lot?" "Why no officer." drawled the sweet young thang. "This here fellow is just helping me practice in case I meet a strong handsome Policeman I could really go for."

Cop lines "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking." "OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night..."Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit." "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you fucking idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said: "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" " Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"

One should remember that calling 999 is sometimes a public service, done for the benefit of others. One elderly male caller reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis." "Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "999 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "Just thought you fellows would like to know."

Actual Responses in Court Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes Q: And what were you doing at the time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

In most of the northern US states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperature drops to single digits or below. One morning in March of 2004 about 3 am, a Minnesota State Police Officer responded to a call of 'a car off the shoulder outside the town of Grey Eagle'. The officer located the car, with the engine still running but stuck in deep snow just off the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel with a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him. The officer tapped on the window and the driver woke up. Seeing the red and blue lights illuminating the scene and the State Policeman standing next to him, the man totally panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but is was still stuck fast in the snow. The officer, having a great sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man, ordering him to "Pull over!" The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. After the officer grabbed his keys, the drunken driver seemed mesmerised about the patrolman's special training and just how could he possibly run 50 mph? The man from Grey Eagle was arrested still believing that a state policeman had outrun his car!

persistent fare dodgers on the London Underground.

A policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name and where she was from. She said, "I'm Mrs. Gladiolas Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, ....."Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

So this dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98," the butcher replied. A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" the client asks. "The bad news is," the lawyer says, "the blood test came back. Your DNA is the exact match found at the murder scene." "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "your cholesterol is down to 140."

Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburettor was frozen. A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it." "Can't," replied the rider. So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburettor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.

An Irish cop stopped a speeding car. The driver was a priest. Putting away his citation book, the cop said, "Father, I just stopped you to tell you there's a Protestant cop up the road a ways."

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty." Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?" The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting.

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!" "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!" "Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then." "Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!" "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partner.

Have you anything to say for yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case. "Fuck all," muttered the defendant. "What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing. The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!' your worship." That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."

It seems female inmates in a New Jersey prison are answering the phones and staffing the state's tourist hotline. They get 58 cents an hour when people call and they tell people what to visit in New Jersey. And, for $2.99 a minute, they'll tell you what they're going to do to you when you get there.

Good-looking lawyers earn 14% more than unattractive lawyers. That makes sense. If you know you're going to get screwed, wouldn't you prefer a good-looking person?

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public He asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized. "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded....Doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone!"

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, " I've got good news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says, " Okay, what's the bad news ? " " the bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution !" " Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news
" " The good news is that I got Your Voltage Reduced "

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late. The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?" "I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tyre." "A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?" "No, the kid had it under his coat."

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name." "So what did you do?" asked the other cop. "Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."- - - - -

BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

The detective was leafing through the suspect's crime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit- and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, rape, manslaughter..." "Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."

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