SMS and Jokes

Police and Law (Jokes)

"In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off."

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to. People who got the ticket; Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast" Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking" Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone "No speaka english" After receiving the ticket "you son of a bitch, you wrote me a ticket!" People who did not get a ticket; I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone "I just won the lottery" He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays! But this guy was my favourite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do. I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

This was apparently in the Washington Post the title of which was "Best Come Back Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, A pumpkin? Fuck me, is it midnight already?"

"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking." "OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."

Mr. and Mrs. Ficucci come before the judge for their divorce hearing. The judge asks, "What are the grounds?" Mrs. Ficucci says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing 'Jingle Bells' while he pissed all over me." The judge says, "My God, that's horrible." She replied, "Yes your honour ! He knows how much I hate that song."

A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... "Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older redneck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent. "Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner. Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!" Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did. The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes. The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either! Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man." From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice exclaim, "Daddy?"

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them..........you get a bicycle!"

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?" Wally replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?" "Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times. Now here's the kicker: Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel. "That's all the bullets we had."

Goldman and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Goldman to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?" "Guilty." "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Goldman. "Guilty." Goldman reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride. The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an AssHole!" Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client? The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make? Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined." Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"? Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir" Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"? Officer: "Yes Sir? Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do" !

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass Love It." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

My former boyfriend Duncan was an officer in the Naval Reserve. One day, while stopped at a red light, his car was rear-ended. As the other driver, a sailor, approached, his eyes widened when he saw the lieutenant's uniform. "It gets even better," Duncan said with a smirk. "I'm also a lawyer."

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