SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she: a) Get to know me better? b) Stop being such a prude? or c) Find another seat on the bus?

News Flash!! The FBI recently announced a failed operation to capture the regional head of Al Quaida in Ibiza. Unfortunately "Osama Bin Larging It" got away!!

What's 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P? A really good crap.

Quasimodo is running along a street being chased by a pack of children. He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem." The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Have you heard about the guy with no dick? He went home and gave his wife a good bollocking

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

How do women get mink?.....................................The same way as mink get mink

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. ...................I think I've forgotten this before.

Q: What do the letters "DNA" stand for? A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: Why did God create Eve? A: To iron Adam's leaf.

Q: Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? A: To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.

What has little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

A blind man and his guide dog are in a department store. Suddenly in the middle of an aisle, the man picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around. A startled shop assistant asks the man "Can I help you, sir? The blind man replies quickly without thought, "No thanks. Just looking around."

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh." He's really embarrassed...The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

A government spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro, the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st December 2001. From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945? A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist? A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do? A: Stay awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly? A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? /Eileen/

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Jokes