SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

"OK" came the reply. "Good, you gobble I'll shoot."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said: "How soon do you need to know?"

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Two dyslexics chatting on the Tube. "Can you smell gas?" the first chap asked "I can't even smell my own name", was the reply.

I can understand why H&M dropped Kate Moss from their advertising campaign. I can understand Chanel. But why Burberry? She's got the ultimate Chav boyfriend, she's on the Bolivian marching powder and she was born in Croydon. She's got to be the ultimate role model for their client base!

What do you call people who use the rhythm method of birth control? Parents

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?" "Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

A bloke buys a camel from some wide boy on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers. "Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking mates commented. "Is it male or female?" "Female!" the bloke beamed. "How do you know" his mate enquired." "Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!

Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: You'd be ugly too, if you had a pecker hanging out of your face.

Q: Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? A: She was strapped for cash.

Q: What does an atheist shout when she's having an orgasm? A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney.

Q: Did you hear the joke they're not telling to assholes? A:

The Answer: A Cockrobin. The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

The comic Lee Mack was on stage and making fun of a guy in the audience who was quite nifty at Judo or some such martial art. Mack said "Yeah, but come on, how often are you attacked by a guy in a white dressing gown?" The guy replied "Every day, I work in a mental home"

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theatre waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theatre's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband... the mail man!!"

Someone I know received a spam yesterday where the company had bought a list and used a mail merge program in an effort to try to "personalize" the spam. Now, I can't blame them for trying to create a more user-friendly message. But, as we all know... sometimes technology can let you down or put a damper on your marketing objectives: Here's how the subject line of the message came out: Subject: Mary, Enlarge your PENIS! Either these people are incredibly stupid, or else their product is really something new !!

More proof that gasoline prices are out of control: I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common??? They are both looking for dead beaver!!

Seen written in the dirt on vans and lorries "Save the whale - I'll have it for my supper" "Preserve wildlife - Go pickle a squirrel" "It's this dirty because I washed it with your wife's knickers" "No I haven't stolen it , I'm just a shit driver", security van "Small penis available - see driver" "If you think this van is dirty, you should try having sex with the driver" "Your skid stops here", above a dented guard on the back of an artic trailer "If you've read this notice then by the time you read it, you'll have already read it" "The driver is not a poof" "What are the pink bits in my tyres? Cyclists & Joggers" "7up is good for you, signed snow white", pop van "This van's got a widget" "Why clean me, why even keep me, why even look at me, why not SCRAP me?" "If you can read this you are a cunt" "Test dirt" "Vegetarians taste great" "If little girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?" "Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly" (on the back of a police car in Israel) "Puff the magic wagon", hippy van "Puff the tragic wagon", old Toyota wagon "Dirty? You should see my arse" "Little mo, Trevor is a cunt!" "How's my speeding?" "White with a hint of M42" "Every do you do is driven by us", cesspit collection tanker "How's my driving? Call 999" "Small asylum seeker wanted as mud flap, must be flexible and willing to travel" "NO HAND SIGNALS Kosovan thief driving" "Co-op.... Keeping Britain's immigrants cool", refrigerated co-op truck "Just like the driver's wife - dirty as fuck" "Honk if you bonk" "Be very careful my driving's shite" "If you think this van is dirty you should try sex with the driver" "More poke than a German Brothel", Escort Cosworth "Anti glare paint" "Nice one for blocking me in" "You've tried the cowboys now try the indians", Indian builder's van "Caution: Pigs in Transit", Police van "Do not clean - seeds planted" "No hand signals. Driver on Viagra" "If you can read this the bitch fell off", motorbike "My other lorry is a Mercedes" "Wash me ya feckin idiot" "Save a tree, eat a beaver" "Organic garden opening here soon" "Quiet, refugees sleeping" "Gary Glitter on tour", police van "If you can see this, then some fucker's nicked my caravan", blue Ford Transit "Quiet, refugees sleeping" "I brake for Hallucinations" "I brake for no particular reason" "Overtaker", on right hand side "Undertaker", on left hand side "Beware - animal lover - brakes for pussy" "A dog's not just for Christmas, it's alright on a Friday night too" "Jim is a fenian poof" "Free beer and titties" "Beware!! Sudden Tea Breaks" "It's still cleaner than yer ma'" "Driver lexdyslic" "So fresh next of kin haven't been informed", fish delivery van "Indian Driver - Smoke signals only" "Help me, I can't breathe" "Danger - Agency Driver", 7.5 tonner "OUCH", above a dent in the side of a very very dirty yellow truck "Constipated People Don't Give A Crap" "Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" "You are following Steptoe" "Help! Been kidnapped, call police" "All HGV drivers are gay, For fight see driver", transit driven by a little old man "If you think this is dirty, try sleeping with the driver" "I love getting felt", roofing contractor's van "For sale: mop and bucket never used" "Don't come knockin when the van's a rockin" "PASSION WAGON : don't laugh your daughter maybe inside!" "Take care Kosovan's on board" "The man driving this van is a homo" "Lance is gay" "Brainer is a giant cock faced poofter" "If you're reading this you are gay" "If you are reading this then you are a cunt" "Big baby on board" "Fatty, Fatty give us a wave!" "Come on girls be a flirt, go ahead and raise that shirt" "Test dirt. Do not wash" "Oh shit, now I need to wash my finger" "I was going to wash my van, but then I got high" "I wish my wife was as dirty as this" ... "Oh, she is!" (added to the above) ... "and she's in this van!" (added to the above) ... "then i could write things on her back" (added to the first one again) "If my wife was as dirty as this I would be at home" "If you think this is dirty, you should see the pictures of my wife" "Is your mother as dirty as your van?... I already know your wife is" "We watch your wife while she showers", window fitter's van "Dirtier than a weekend with Jordan" "Don't wash me, plant potatoes on me" "Plough Me" "Dirty? You should see my ears." "How's my driving? 0800-eat shit" "How's my topsoil? Call 1-800-DIRT" "Wisely Driven? If so call police - vehicle stolen" "Also available in white", white lorry "You missed", white Ford Transit "A rarer one", Mercedes Sprinter "Cleaned by Stevie Wonder, checked by David Blunkett" "Did you ever wish you hadn't started something?", on the dirty half of a half-washed van Below the "How's my driving?" sticker: "Fuck off" "Gie us a wash", South Yorkshire "Where there's muck there's bra's", very dirty Gossard articulated truck "No jobbie too big", sewage lorry "The Pig Green arce Machine" (an altered version of 'The Big Green Parcel Machine')

"I say, Watson. All this cocaine has made me rather constipated." "No shit, Sherlock."

The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong Marge
" she asked. Marge told her that she had "morning sickness." Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!" "I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."

If it's true about the old saying, "That you are what you eat", then it's no wonder why people call me a cunt.

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, "about long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker."

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor." "For chrissakes," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think this the right fuckin' time to be superstitious?"

JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . . He Shoots. . . He..Scores! The crowd goes wild.

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Jokes