SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." The lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer thought for a second and then asked, "How do you start a flood?"

I Fart To Make You Smell Better I Love Everybody - And You're Next! I Love Every Bone In Your Body - Especially Mine! If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut! If you drink, don't park, accidents cause people If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass! If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings" Practice safe sex, go screw yourself Remember When Air Was Clean And Sex Was Dirty? Remember my name 'cause you'll be screaming it later! Save Gas - Fart in a Jar Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips andchains excite me! To all you virgins, thanks for nothing Trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! I need someone really bad... are you really bad? I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Life's a buffet... so eat me! Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Flashlight: A container for dead batteries. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind.

A down-hearted man in a greasy spoon diner asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn't say a thing. "Hey," he says, "what about the kind words?' She replies, "Don't eat the meatloaf."

I have got a little lamb, Her fleece is black and short. Tried to pet it yesterday, Next week I go to court.

It was unusual for Michael Jackson to be seen dangling a child over a balcony, he normally just tosses them off.

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!." The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I, when I was a lawyer."

I glanced under the seat of the aircraft I was on and saw a life jacket, and thought, "Fuck me, the ferries must have the parachutes!"

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine?" the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might suspect, distressed the prim and proper matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office to protest. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I do apologize for my staff's uncouth choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a long 'quill.' In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

It used to be the case that you needed to speak 4 languages to get a job in a London hotel. Nowadays you need 4 languages to stay in one.

One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes. "Is he expecting you?" asked the housekeeper. "No," said Watson, "but I just need to speak with him for a minute." "I don't know what he's up to," said the housekeeper, "but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o'clock". "I'll wait downstairs in the library," replied Watson. A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective's bedroom, followed by shrieks of excitement from Holmes. As nine o'clock approached, Watson could hardly contain his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and plaid skirt. As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, "Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited. The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish." Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A man finds an old bottle on the beach. He rubs it a few time and, suddenly, a genie appears before him. The man says," Wow! A genie! I want a million dollars!." The genie says sadly, "Well, I can't do that, but I can give you a back rub." "Aren't genies supposed to grant wishes?" "Ah, you see, I'm not really a genie." "If you're not a genie, what are you?" "Haven't you ever heard of a massage in a bottle?"

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman "use more soap on panties". This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with,"use more paper on ass."

Don was sent to prison. He got along well with his fellow inmates, and with the guards, and even the warden liked him. Deciding that Don deserved to learn a trade, the warden arranged for him to become a carpenter. After several years, Don was earning recognition as one of the best carpenters in the area and would often be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs, always reporting back to the prison by the end of the day on Sundays. One day, the warden called Don into his office and asked if he would build a set of kitchen cupboards and fit the revamped kitchen for a new countertop, which he had promised his wife. "Gee, I sure would like to, warden," Don told him, "but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich. The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple. I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples. I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00." "And then what?" the lad asked. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

As an usher made his rounds one evening at a posh Texas cinema, he noticed an obviously drunken cowboy sprawled across three seats. He nudged the cowboy's foot with his flashlight. "I'm sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned, but didn't move. "Sir!" the usher insisted. "If you don't move I'll have to get the manager." The cowboy groaned again, wiggling one hand, but still didn't move. The usher marched off and came back with the manager. The manager tried to get the cowboy to move, but he just moaned. Finally fed up with the man, the manager called the police. The policeman walked in, listened to the manager's explanation, then grabbed the cowboy by the shoulder, shaking him slightly. "All right, buddy, what's your name?" "Steve," the cowboy groaned. "Where ya from, Steve?" the officer asked, hoping to talk him into moving. Steve moaned, tried to lift his hand to point, and said, "the balcony!"

My wife had an accident the other day. We were standing by a wishing well and she fell in. Damn, I never knew those things worked.

A man was wandering the desert, lost and slowly dying of thirst. Much to his surprise, he stumbled across three market stalls. He goes to the first one and says "Water....water" but the guy in the stall says "Sorry, I only sell custard". He goes up to the second stall and says "Water...please, I must have water" and the guy in the second stall says "Sorry, I only sell whipped cream". Desperate, he goes up to the third stall and says "Please, you must have water, I'm dying of thirst" and the man in the third stall goes "Sorry, I only sell sponge fingers and hundreds and thousands". The guy says "This is a bit strange, isn't it?" and the guy in the stall says.................... "Yes, it is a trifle bazaar"

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the big question to Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her." "Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Apparently the U.S. were turned down when they offered to help Russia out with the Kursk submarine rescue mission. They offered to send over Monica Lewinsky to suck out all the seamen!

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to Marks & Spencers. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss? A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

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Jokes