SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down a freeway when he is tapped on his shoulder by one of little old ladies. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves. She replies that they are not able to chew them because of their old teeth, . "Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. The old lady said: "We just love the chocolate around them."

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before. "Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He speaks ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian book collection by the fireplace." "Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?" "Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help centre show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Shit, that sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," said Ted.

What do do you call a guitarist who enjoys "golden showers"? Bert Weedon.

What's got one eye, one arm and sucks cock in Portsmouth? Fellatio Nelson.

Basic Flying Rules: 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Top 15 rejected mothers day cards 15. I love you when you're happy. I love you when you're sad. I love you though you told me, The milkman is my dad. 14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue. Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due. 13. The cards in the store Were just too full of sex, But I thought, "What the hell." Love, Oedipus Rex 12. There once was a woman named Mother, Who always did favour my brother. But now that he's dead, Mother senses with dread That her nursing home's worse than the others. 11. You stood up to my father's kin, their many threats of extortion. Thanks for having me, Mother Dear, instead of an abortion. 10. Dear Mum, in your Mother's Day card, Is a question that you may find hard: If Dad went astray, If he left, as you say, Who's that buried in the back yard? 9. Mum you're so great, Mum you're so cool. Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school. 8. I know my Mum's a test tube. I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube. No real mum could be better, She'd just wind up a sweater, Adorning some debutante's boobs. 7. When I was born, you became a mum, and gave me lots of joy and lovin'. But now, I need to come back home -- I've got my own bun in the oven. 6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother: Congrats to you, my almost-Mum, You've nearly won the war... Unlike all the other tramps Dad picks up in the bar! 5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear, For some changes of which you'll learn. You always wanted a little girl -- Well, you'll have one when I return. 4. Your girlish figure disappears, With each bite that you chew. You now look worse in lingerie, Than dear old Uncle Lou. 3. You've lovingly looked after me since I was just a baby, So now I don't resent the fact that both my mums are ladies. 2. I think of you, dear Mother, as I'm in my cell, alone, And miss the way you always made our crack house a crack home. 1. You probably won't even listen, You may still think, "How could he?" But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un. Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody

Famous Mothers COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?" MOSES' MOTHER "Yea, sure. Now do you wanna tell me where you're really been the past forty years? You never called, you never wrote..."

Bloopers Please excuse Connie from gym class today as she had difficulty breeding Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. Please excuse Clarence from being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent sized. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. Please excuse Jane Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She had an absent tooth. Please excuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.

Michael Jackson stood in the court and was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his crimes. The judge said you were lucky, if you were black I would have give you 20.

Q. What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city? A. In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting. He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'. He says he never knows which to choose -- He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Janie, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled Janie. "No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls."

A guy walks into a bar, with a dirty big grin on his face. Bar man says "What are you looking so happy about"? Guy says, "I was down by the railway this afternoon and I saw this woman tied to the track, so I untied her and spent the afternoon fucking her". Barman says, "Oh nice one mate was she pretty"? Guy replies " I don't know I never found her head".

Try this one lunchtime: Park in a layby, put your sunglasses on, point a hairdryer at oncoming traffic and watch them slow down!

A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!" From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is. Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress ..... ..... but other than that, it's boring

A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Dis order. "Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied Bennett. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?" "Elation, sir." "And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.

"Yeah, so?" "Don't you realise?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said. "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"

Michael Jackson's agent has just announced a new deal to overcome the singer's financial troubles. Guinness, the Irish drinks company, will star Michael in their next TV advertising session. The adverts will continue the Guinness theme of "black with a white head".

Pick up lines 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt).... Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs... what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? 9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. 13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 21. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? 22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute." 27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza? 32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me. 33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I??? 34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them. 35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries' desks The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he drove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46]

Jokes