SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then." I said "Nearest to the bull starts" He said "Baa." I said "Moo." He said "You're closest."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?" She says, "Hello, you Little Fuck."

Women just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts..........I can't even get a girl to do that.......I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet!

I heard they found two new uses for sheep in Australia... Food and wool.

Q:What goes "Clip Clop, Clip Clop... BANG! BANG! BANG! Clip Clop, Clip Clop...? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the comment, "Well, isn't that nice." The first boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second commented "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck, I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice!"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar? "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. Touched by the sensitivity of a man with such a gruff appearance, she asked, "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm their landlord," he sobbed.

Did you hear about the man who took a course of iron tablets along with Viagra? His dick now always points to due North

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

A well-dressed young woman swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled, "And what poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??" The woman replied, "My Mother-in-Law"

Q: How do you get 200 cows into a barn? A: Put up a BINGO sign.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple, too. "Oh NO!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer...look at all the joints." The second said, "No, it must have been an electrical engineer...the central nervous system is a miracle of millions of electrical connections." The third said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" "Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a fortune ...both of them are pregnant!"

There was a pregnant silence, followed by a lot of little silences.

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs---without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know," he said, "how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole." The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, "Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!" "No," shrieked the head, "Not another fucking hat!"

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Jokes