SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date? A. Boys 'R Us.

Knock Knock! Who's There? Little boy blue! Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

Real Notes to British Milkmen Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one. Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday. When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk. "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle." "Oh sure says the clerk, "what do you call it?" "A fottle," says the inventor "That's a silly name., can you think of anything else?" "I'll think about it," says the inventor. I've got something else here a folding carton "And what do you call that?", asks the clerk. "A farton." "That's rude.... You can't possibly use that name!" "Gee" says Inventor, "then you're going to HATE the name of my folding bucket!"

Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."

Dyslexia Website Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia? It's http://www.dailysex.com/

Quasimodo is looking to recruit someone to help him ring the bells of Notre Dame. He shows the first bloke he interviews how to ring the bells. "What you do is swing the bell out and when it swings back hit it with your head" Quasi gives a demonstration much to the amazement of man. "Now you try" says Quasi. So the man swings the bell out and as it swings backs hits it with his head at which point he goes flying out the bell tower and falls 200ft onto the ground below. Splat! A crowd of people gather round the man when Quasi approaches. "Do you know this man" asks a member of the crowd. "No" says Quasi "but his face don't half ring a bell"

The bad news about being a test tube baby is that you know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

They say that love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Five reasons not to be a penis: 1) Your head is bald forever. 2) You live between two nuts. 3) An asshole lives behind you. 4) Your best mate's a cunt. 5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ - OR IS IT ? 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What colour is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? Orange, of course. What do you mean you failed?

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Quotes I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt) The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns) Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge) Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain) What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain) My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson) By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx) Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante) The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper) I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor) Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine) Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain) My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol) Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

My girlfriend was a yoga teacher. When I first met her she used to bend over backwards to please me

Remember. Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten.

A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky peninsula. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first woman says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug. "Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman. He shakes his head no, and she kisses him. Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No," says the man, his eyes lighting up. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in!"

Contestant: I think I know that one, is it Jewish ? The Weakest Link: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with"G", took the title Mahatma ? Contestant: Geronimo The Weakest Link: Who was the only inmate of Spandau Prison in Berlin between 1966 and 1987 ? Contestant: The Birdman of Alcatraz. The Weakest Link: Which famous artist painted the Mona Lisa ? Contestant: Frank Bough. The Weakest Link: Which calendar month is named after the first Roman Emperor, Caesar Augustus ? Contestant: June BBC Radio Newcastle; How long did the Six Day war between Egypt and Israel last ? Contestant (after long pause): 14 days BBC's The Enemy Within; Which of the seven Wonders of the Ancient World would you have found in Babylon ? Contestant: The Hanging Baskets. GMTV: In which direction do the hands of a clock travel ? Contestant: Anti-clockwise. The Weakest Link: What "W" is the capital of Poland ? Contestant: Worcestershire. William G. Stewart: Which city in Devon lies at the southern end of the M5 motorway ? Contestant: Southern Yemen. Radio Scotland: What is the currency of India ? Contestant: Ramadan. The Weakest Link: Which Douglas lost both legs but still flew in the Battle of Britain ? Contestant: Douglas Hurd. Radio 2: In 1863, which American President gave the Gettysburg Address ? Contestant: I don't know, it was before I was born. The Weakest Link: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. John Leslie (ITV This Morning): On which river is Newcastle situated? Contestant: The Thames. Leslie: Yes, well done. Radio Hallam: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital ? Contestant: Australia Radio Hallam: Sorry, that's the wrong answer, we'll go to the next caller. Second Contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar ? The Weakest Link: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word "murder" spelt backwards ? Contestant: Shergar The Weakest Link: The presenter of the television series Telly Addicts was Noel who ? Contestant: Coward BBC1 judgmental: British politics, who was the only female member of the Gang of Four ? Contestant: Myra Hindley The Weakest Link: What "T" are the people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord ? Contestant: Terrorists. The Weakest Link: According to the common saying, "revenge is a dish best served...." what? Cold or on toast ? Contestant: On toast The Weakest Link: William Shakespeare wrote seven plays about Kings of England who all shared the same name. What name ? Contestant: oh ...I don't have an answer...(moment of inspiration)...Ralph Family Fortunes: Name a type of fork not used for eating ? Contestant: Guy Fawkes Who wants to be a Millionaire: What is another name for the Pope? a)Pontiff, b) Pontiac, c) Poncho, d) Pontefract. Contestants Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) and Will Young (Pop Idol) after2 minutes silence...We'll ask the audience please. The Weakest Link: The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres ? Contestant: Three Radio 2; Which is the largest rodent in North America ? Contestant: The Great White Whale. Virgin Radio: Name Les Dennis's estranged wife ? Contestant: Margaret Thatcher. Virgin radio; Are you absolutely sure ? Contestant: That's the one. The Weakest Link: Which Egyptian actor starred in Lawrence of Arabia, and also wrote a newspaper column on the subject of Bridge ? Contestant: Naomi Campbell.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

What do you call a Telly tubby that's been burgled? Tubby

A woman walked into the ladies and saw a man standing up using the toilet. Shocked, she exclaimed, "This is just for women !" "So's this," he replied

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you get lucky and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Do you know how to reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.

"Mummy, mummy. There's a man at the door with a bill." "Don't be silly, darling. It's a duck with a hat on...."

Camilla Parker Bowles bought Prince Charles a bookmark for Christmas. It was to stop him bending the pages over.

I see they're having a sale at Beachy Head. Buy one jumper get two free.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Q. How do you get down from an elephant? A. You don't, you get down from a duck.

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Jokes