SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

problem," says the man. "I'll write you a cheque." "Very good sir," says the owner. "you may pick up the coat on Monday, after the cheque clears." So the man and woman leave. On Monday, the man returns on his own. The owner is outraged. "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a penny in your account." "Sorry," grins the man, "but I had to come and thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? "Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"

Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't look like feminists.

A neurotic builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in them. And a psychiatrist calls once a week to collect the rent.

Boycott shampoo - Insist on the real stuff.

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Childbirth.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a heartwarming story Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

An enormous funeral wound its way through the streets of the town, and, in every way, no sign of sorrow had been stinted, right down to the open cars filled with flowers. A bystander, who had been away from the neighborhood for a while, nudged a neighbour. "Who died?" he whispered. "Big Angelo's girlfriend," said the other. "Big Angelo's girlfriend? But she was so young! What did she die of?" "Gonorrhea." "Gonorrhea! But that's impossible. No one dies of gonorrhea." "You do when you give it to Big Angelo."

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks "If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there." His girlfriend says, "Are you kidding me? I'm naked." "Well" replies the man "Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help." So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant, "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped" "I'm sorry ma'am" the attendant replies, "he's too far in."

What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you're a twat. Some arse has stolen our tent."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

for us three lesbians".

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone? A: Tickle his balls!

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to a large brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an huge hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, it's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning!!"

An American, and Englishman and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire. "Well," said the American, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill the son-of-a-bitch, that, to me, is savoir-faire." "Not quite, chaps," said the Englishman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on,' that's savoir-faire." "Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on' and the man was able to continue, HE'S got savoir-faire!"

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a christmas pud. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming in only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

Hear about the Jewish detective?.........He had a tip off.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra......

What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Philippe Philoppe

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, pizza slices & crisps descends on him from a great height, and knocks him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath.... "It's Buffet the Vampire slayer!!"

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

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Jokes