SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to Marriott-Smalley, the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, Marriott-Smalley went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw Marriot-Smalley lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" the hunter howled. "Which of you morons let the bull loose?"

Bad Chat-up Line I heard a joke that's so funny you'll laugh your tits right off. Oh...You've already heard it.

Over drinks one afternoon, John and Paul were discussing former loves. John explained that he once broke up with a girl long ago because she seemingly had an incurable speech impediment. Paul remarked, "I'm shocked. I never knew you were prejudiced against handicaps. What was the her problem?" John took another sip from his drink, then paused and reflected, "She couldn't say 'yes'."

There are 3 blokes, a butcher, a hairdresser, and a council worker and they are wondering who invented the fanny. The butcher said it has to have been someone in the meat trade as the incision and cut was so perfect and because of the quality of the beef curtains either side. The hairdresser insisted it must have been a barber, because the snip was so precise and the sideburns either side were so perfect. Finally the council worker stood up and exclaimed 'It must have been a council worker, who else would put a play area so close to a shit hole?'

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Clones are people two.

A man goes into a library. "I'm feeling very very depressed" he says to the librarian "Have you any books on how to commit suicide?" "Yes" comes the answer, "just down that aisle there." So off the man trots, only to come back a few minutes later. "Well I've had a good look, but there doesn't seem to be any there!" "Damn" says the librarian "The bastards never seem to bring 'em back!"

Girls - Can't afford to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

A plumber was called to woman's house in Liverpool to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

The Importance of Correct Punctuation Dear Jon: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear Jon: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the solution was to spice up their sex life so they bought a water bed. Unfortunately , it didn't work. They just started drifting apart

A guy's busy whittling a piece of wood, he doesn't realize his zipper's open, and he almost cuts off his dick. His dick looks up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fist fights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me."

A sailor was talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."

"What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!"

Q, What do the Donkeys on Blackpool Beach get for their dinner? A, About half an hour.

Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!

Tis better to have loved a short woman ..than never to have loved a tall.

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow? A. Cows survive the branding

Japanese authorities have banned all animal movements after several sofabeds were found nibbled in Tokyo. It is thought this may be an outbreak of the dreaded Futon Mouse disease.

Mary had a little lamb She called it baby Abby They burned it in a great big pit Cos its mouth and feet were scabby

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Jokes