SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

Quickies Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: Michael Jackson slumber party. The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one. You can tell when a person is well informed: their views are pretty much like your own. If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis. An orgasm is a gland finale Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't? A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat. A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go. Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: He drowns! Q. Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks? A. So they will know where to stop shaving. I've really been working out, lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so... Q. What do you call a camel with no humps? A. Humphrey Q. How much does a grand piano cost? A. $1000.00. The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labelled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat " ; and "fat, but with a great personality."

Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

Random Bits "Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots." Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct Racetrack? She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three- year-olds. A camel and an elephant were having a chat. The elephant says to the camel "Why have you got your tits on your back?" The camel replies "That's rich coming from someone who has their dick on their face!" A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you're doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?" Another businessman replies, "Because menu say, first come first served."

You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.

"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.

I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for pussy tightening tablets?

Midgets do go on, don't they? But for all their whingeing, they conveniently ignore the fact that they are able to fly abroad in cheap economy seats, in which they enjoy all the legroom benefits a normal sized person has to buy a first class ticket to experience. As someone who flies often, the whole situation disgusts me.

Quickies All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors. One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache. Diamonds are a girls best friend. A dog is a mans best friend. So which is the dumber sex? Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I love oral sex. But, it's the phone bill I hate.

Famous Altered Egos Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student Merlyn Streep: professional magician Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer Draw Barrymore: portrait artist Leonardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain

12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007 12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine. 11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day. 10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well. 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's just like You're Still Here. 4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now. 3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss my buddy. 2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger 1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?" "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy. "It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million." "Fabulous," says the guy by the pool. "There's just one catch," his partner warns. "What's the catch?" "We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Department Store 10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?" 9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts" 8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia" 7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis" 6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch" 5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?" 4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator" 3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs" 2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?" 1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"

One-liners I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance. I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose. If you can't read this, you're illiterate. If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth. There is something wrong if you're always right. Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over. It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money. When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot. When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad. Never remember what you can afford to forget.

Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers.

How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its titalot.

Top 10 Attributes of Really Lazy People 1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.

Did you hear about the Irishman who stepped into the path of a steam train? He was chuffed to bits!

One of my elderly women neighbours was held up in by a dark alley on her way home from a church bingo game. She tried to plead with the robber that she had no money, but he insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any money, he placed his hand in her panties and felt around there. "I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen bitch.....do it and die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

A bit of fun? Follow these steps: 1. Go to www.google.co.uk 2. Click on maps. 3. Click on get directions. (top of screen) 4. Type in from ' new york ' to ' brixton, england '. 5. Scroll down the directions to number 21

I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."

If music be the food of love why don't rabbits sing?

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a Qantas flight from London to Melbourne, Australia. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

An important executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his experiences. "So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk. Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up. Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her." "So what's the moral?" one of the others asked. "Clear as a bell," said the executive. "If it swims, flies, or fucks, lease it, don't buy it."

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