SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long. Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief. "Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" "That correct, man," says the chief. "However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer. "The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother ? He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. And I thank you. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

I wish I was a glow worm A glow worm's never glum Cos how can you be grumpy When the sun shines out your bum

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Dolcelli is going to it on the bathroom floor with a wild chick when he grunts, "Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!" She says, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in?" He says, "I'm trying to get 'em out!"

Q: "Why do women have foreheads?" A: "So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blow-job!"

Some Tommy Cooperisms I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids.... I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace..... I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance. My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other. I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets. He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood. So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin." My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer. I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'. I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is. The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part. I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby. Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard" Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab driver sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."

RECIPE FOR LOVE: INGREDIENTS:- 2x Laughing eyes, 2x Well shaped legs, 2x Loving arms, 2x Firm milk containers, 2x Nuts, 1x Fur lined mixing bowl, 1x firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes 2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms 3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger. 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers). 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls. Notes: 1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town

A college boy delivered a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you'll be wanting a tip?" asked the old man grumpily. "That would be much appreciated," said the boy, "but the other delivery guy said not to expect much from you. He said if I got a quarter from you I'd be lucky." The old man was hurt by the accusation, "Well, to prove him wrong, here's five dollars." "Thank you," said the college boy, "I'll put this in my college fund." "What are you studying?" Asked the old man. "Applied psychology."

Dog owners: next time your dog does a 'soft one' on the beach, annoy metal detector owners by dropping nuts and bolts into it and covering it with sand.

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

What's red and hangs from a tree ? A sanitary owl

"That man who posed as a woman during a 2 year marriage was sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail term. Something tells me his days of acting like a woman are not quite over."

What is a 6.9? A 69 interupted by a period.

A farmer is in is local getting drunk. After a few pints the barman asks "Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" "Well if you must know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and just as the I got the bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it over" "What's the big deal?" said the barman "Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as the bucket was about full she took her right leg and kicked it over" "So what did you do then?" asked the barman. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat back down and continued to milk her. Then just as I had got the bucket about full the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail." "So then what did you do?" asked the barman. "Well I didn't have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. And then my trousers fell down just as my wife walked in....."

Ladies, do you suffer from thrush? Well you shouldn't go sticking wild birds up your fanny then should you!!

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend. "That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement." "There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat..... You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"

Two people in their mid-seventies have been seeing each other socially for nearly two years. They have even traveled together but always took separate hotel rooms. One evening at dinner, old Bert says to Edna, "I been thinking, and we're wasting a helluva lot of money. We pay rent on two apartments, insurance on two cars, two cable bills, two phones...there ain't no end to it." "What are you saying, Bert?" asks Edna sweetly. "Hell, we should move in together" says Bert. "We're practically livin' like a couple anyways." "Whose apartment would we live in?" asks Edna. "Mine," says Bert. "It's bigger 'n cheaper." "Which car would we keep?" "Yours, it's newer 'n gets better mileage." "Who'd cook?" "You cook and I'll set the table 'n do the dishes." "What about sex?" blushes Edna. "Infrequently," replies Bert. Edna smiles, "Is that one word or two?"

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

What's big and hairy and drives a Ferrari? Michael Chewbacca.

An Army Colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant!" the Colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes, sir," the Sergeant replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yes, sir," the Sergeant replies. "Then what's his problem?" the Colonel asks. The Sergeant salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

I don't like sex on TV, everytime I try it I fall off.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A. Beef strokin' off.

A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!" When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?" "It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home," I went over. Nobody was home.

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Jokes