SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Short (Jokes)

Frisbeterian = Someone who believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down

Q. Who has big lips and climbs to the top of the Empire State Building? A. Martin Luther Kong

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." --Woody Allen.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

First Class Insults ... Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? Your so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together. Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar. Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs. You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers."

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name. The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.' The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals. 2. Spiked hair and bald spots. 3. A pierced tongue and dentures. 4. Miniskirts and support hose. 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads. 6. Speedo's and cellulite. 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar. 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor. 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge. 10. Bikinis and liver spots, 11. Short shorts and varicose veins. 12. Inline skates and a walker. 13. Thongs and Depends. And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks" -- 14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist.

Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love." Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"? " Yes," the neighbour answers, " I believe he was." " Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked. " Yes," the neighbour agrees. " Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!...."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOUR "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." "We're all out of red, so I used pink." "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?" "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie." "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." -- Bob Hope

Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!

Reflections on the McCartney break up News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped" "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this" Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over". Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless" Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P.

Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?" I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.

Michael Jackson and his new wife are sitting in a hospital room after she has just given birth to their brand new baby boy. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?" The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

Mr. Johns from USA, goes to Israel to visit all the holy places there. On his tour he came by the Sea of Galilee and saw a man on a small boat with a sign " Sea of Galilee Tours", He asked the man: "How much for a tour?" The man said:" 380 Shekels" " What? why so much?" "Well sir" said the man : "you know that the Lord Jesus walked on these water" "Yeah" said Mr. Johns: "with prices like that, I'm not bloody surprised!"

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!" He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?" The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings."

After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller." "Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."

Did you hear it on the news today about that American actress who got stabbed? Reese somebody or other. Witherspoon? No. With a knife.

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living. Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician." "No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it." So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

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Jokes