SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Hollywood Lessons 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half- hour to escape. 8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 16. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 18. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 19. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. 20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium. 21. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 22. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. 23. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. 24. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do. 25. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 26. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year. 27. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 28. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 29. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 30. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 31. It's easy for anyone to land a plane provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving 33. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always say: "Enter password now." 34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 35. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. 36.If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly. 37.It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips. 38.Handsome men don't belch or fart. 39.If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship. 40.In a large city, the streets are always wet at night. 41.Most bathrooms do not have a toilet. 42.All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups. 43.You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York. 44.A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts. 45.It usually rains during outdoor funerals. 46.Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from California to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two lane road or four?"

Texas Chilli NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli No. 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli Judge No. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge No. 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge No. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli No. 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli Judge No. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge No. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge No. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli No. 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli Judge No. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge No. 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge No. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chilli No. 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge No. 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge No. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge No. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli No. 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge No. 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge No. 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge No. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chilli No. 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge No. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge No. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge No. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chilli No. 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli Judge No. 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge No. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge No. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chilli No.8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli Judge No. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge No. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge No. 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli.

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!"

An old man in Macclesfield calls his son in London and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Bristol and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Macclesfield immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for easter weekend and paying their own way!! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye...I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

The Green Horse John was walking in the park one morning when, at 9.30, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen rode past on a large bay horse. Now John's big problem was that he was tremendously shy and knew that he could never pluck up the courage to make the first move or start a conversation, so he set his mind to working out how he could ensure that this girl talked to him. After a lot of thought he came up with a super plan. I'll buy myself a magnificent horse and the finest riding clothes that money can buy. I'll also buy 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and early in the morning I'll go down to the stables and paint the horse green. I'll then go riding in the park and at 9.30 the girl will be riding towards me on her horse. She'll be absolutely amazed, rein in her horse and say to me. "My that's a green horse you're riding!" And I'll reply "Yes it is, would you have dinner with me tonight?" She will be so intrigued that she immediately agrees and we will have a magnificent meal in one of her favourite restaurants. As we're driving back from the restaurant I will ask her to come to Paris with me at the weekend and she will agree. In Paris we will have a luxury suite at the finest hotel overlooking the Champs Elysee and I will have bought a beautiful designer gown for her to wear in the evening. We will eat in a Michelin 3 star restaurant and enjoy the finest food and wine. Afterwards, back at the hotel there will be a magnum of champagne chilling by the side of the four poster bed. I will pour two glasses, hand one to her and slowly start to undress her. We will then have a night of beautiful passion and love. So, having bought the finest horse and riding gear available, John goes to the stable early the next morning with 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and paints his horse. At 9.00 he goes riding in the park. At 9.30 precisely she rides towards him on her large bay. As they meet she reins in her steed and says in a surprised voice "My that's a green horse you're riding!" And John replies "Yes. Do you want to fuck?"

Two statues, one of a man, the other of a woman had been standing in the park, in all weathers, for 40 years. One evening the Good Fairy visited them and praised them for their fortitude in being such exemplary statues for that length of time. As a reward for all their waiting the Good Fairy granted them 15 minutes of freedom to do whatever they wanted. The two looked at each other with smiles on their faces and immediately ran into the thickest part of the bushes. For the next few minutes all that could be heard were screams of delight and giggling accompanied by the noise of the bushes being vigorously trampled. The statues reappeared after 8 minutes and thanked the Good Fairy for the time of their lives. "But you've still got 7 minutes left said the Good Fairy" The man statue turned to the woman statue with a broad grin on his face. "Fantastic" he said, "This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I am very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There' no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won fifty million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. Its a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out the window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the excitement of the moment! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out or their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the inter-section. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma

Ed decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. They loaded up Ed's Ford pickup and headed to northern Colorado. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Ed said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Ed got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked, "Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado." "Yes, I do." said Leon. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Ed. "Well, uh, yeah," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Ed. Leon's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" Ed replied, "No need to apologize, Leon. She died last month and left me everything!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum"

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning. Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired. "It's pretty nice here." she replied. "Except they won't let you fart."

A Sydney radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave." DJ: "Dave, what's your word?" Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'." DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would name sense?" Caller: 'Goan fuck yourself' The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: "96FM, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff" DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?" Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'" DJ: "...you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the foreigner. "That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out." So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?" "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man. "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," was the reply. "And the score?" "2-1." "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply. The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How". The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box."

Italian Job Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's marijuana, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of 'how's yer father?'" "OK," nods Jim , "as long as she does the rest of the band, too." "Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear. Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles. "Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?" The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face! "Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers. "I told you," Caine snarls..... "You were only s'posed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

An English businessman is visiting a Spanish company in Seville and plans to stay 3 days. On the first evening he is sitting in the hotel restaurant, enjoying an aperitif and trying to decide what to order from the menu when the lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at the table next to the Englishman and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate overflowing with what appears to be a steaming, fragrant delicacy. He then proceeds to serve the customer at that table who is obviously drooling in anticipation of the magnificent offering. The Englishman calls the head waiter to his table and says, "I don't recognise that dish from the descriptions on the menu. Could you tell me what it is?" "Si senor, yesterday was the first day of the bullfight week here in Seville and that dish is made from the testicles of the bull that was killed by our top matador. They are marinated in brandy for 8 hours and then slowly poached with a mixture of the finest truffles and foie-gras. It is truly a magnificent dish" The Englishman is greatly tempted and asks if he can order the same but is disappointed to learn that the dish, because of the preparation time, has to be ordered a day in advance. He then decides to order it for his main course the next day. The following evening he arrives in the hotel restaurant early and is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his special order. The lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at his table and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate that is almost empty apart from a small mound of shrivelled meat. "I don't understand", complains the Englishman, "Yesterday's dish was overflowing with a much, much bigger portion" "Si senor", replies the waiter, "But you have to understand, sometimes the bull, he wins"

month on thermal underwear and waterproof coats, how much money will be left when he gets to tread the cobbles again? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his hard-earned? 5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint if you get 20% extra paint free? Extra Credit Bonus: How many cans will fit in the hood of a standard Kangol anorak? 6. Liam steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets "sorted"? MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH: NAME____________________________________________ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet) SCHOOL__________________________________ DADDY'S COMPANY_________________________ 1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing (x) amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local JP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of (y). The difference between (x) and (y) is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now? 2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month, she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what? 3. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost? 4. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start? 5. Bertram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out. The movie starts and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever ... group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're only here to see our dog."

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'

This bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Shit!" thinks our man, "first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits. What am I going to do?" He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the wall where it is devoured by the lions. Sorted. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So there he is, merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the two monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Shit and double shit!" thinks our man, "look what I've done now! What am I going to do?" So he thinks to himself, "the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?" He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs them over the wall where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Phew. Sorted - again! Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey from the American killer bees. Fair enough. So there he is, busy pulling the honey-filled boards from the beehive, when a bee stings him. Then another. And another; until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey-soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Shit, not again!!!" he thinks, and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where, sure enough, it's devoured by the lions. By now, it's quitting time so he goes home. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says. "Hi." say the others. "What's it like in here then?" asks the new lion. "Not bad." "Food O.K.?" "Yeah, brilliant. In fact yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that hey only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.. "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" " It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

On a recent weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas). The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Yesterday was my 59th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went down for breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy Birthday..." And there I sat, on the couch. Naked.

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