SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems."

Two farmers are in the pub having a beer Both are skint and in dire need of some money All they have is one pig each, and if by luck one is male and the other female So after having a few more beers they hit on a marvellous plan to make money By mating the two pigs they will have lots of little piggies to sell So the next morning at the crack of the dawn, the farmer with the female pig gets up Dumps the pig in a wheel barrow and walks around to his mates farm He introduces her to the male pig and after much sniffing, serious bonking ensues How will I know she's pregnant enquires the first farmer. Easily replies the other, when you get up, look at the pig and if she's rolling in mud she's pregnant If she 's eating grass she isn't so you will have to come back. Next morning comes and the farmer dashes to the window And the pig is happily eating grass in the field Damn he says going downstairs and grabs the pig and puts her in the wheel barrow He trundles off to the other farm and more bonking ensues. This goes on all week with no success So on the Sunday morning the farmer tells the wife to look out the window and tell him what the bloody pig is doing "Is she eating grass
" he asks "NO" says the wife. "Is she rolling in the mud?" "No" says the wife. "What the hell she doing then" he cries. "She's sat in the wheel barrow waiting for you!"

Bert was the stationmaster of a rather large property out west. One day he needed some fencing work done to one of the station boundaries, so he called on Bill, one of his local stockmen. "Bill, I want you to go out to Bennet's boundary and fix the fence there. You can take the four-wheel drive vehicle and if you have any trouble give me a call on the two-way radio". So Bill set off. Ten hours later Bert got a call on the two-way. "Boss, this is Bill. I've got a bit of a problem". "Yes mate, what is it?" "Well, I was driving along in the four-wheel drive and I ran into a pig" "So, what's the problem?" "Well, he got stuck in the bull bars and he's still alive and kicking and squealing so much that I can't get him free." "Okay mate, in the back of the four-wheel drive you'll find a .303. Take it out. Put the muzzle close to the pig's head and shoot it. It'll go limp and you'll be able to get it off the bull bar. Then drag it into the bush and leave it" "Okay boss, Ill do that. Thanks for your help." About a quarter of an hour later, there was another call. "Yes Bill, what is it?' "Well, I took the .303, shot the pig in the head and he went limp just like you said. And I got him off the bull bar and dumped him in the bush but I still can't go on" "Why not mate?" "Well, it's his motorbike. It's still stuck under the four-wheel drive"

The founder of an international nail company wants a new ad campaign, so he hires an ad agency to come up with a good tv commercial for his Wilson Nails. Tens of thousands of dollars later, the ad agency has a meeting with the director to premier their commercial. The ad begins with a flying shot that zooms over a mountain (to stirring music, of course!) and begins closing in on three figures on the hillside. It zooms closer and closer and the viewers can now tell two of the men are dressed as guards and are nailing the third to a cross. The camera continues to zoom in - right up to the Wilson symbol on the head of the nail protruding from the crucified man's hand. "Wilson nails - for the toughest jobs." says the announcer. Well, the head of Wilson Nails is livid. He cannot believe the ad agency was so flippant with the religious angle. He demands that they re-shoot the commercial for free - and they better come up with something good this time or they're fired. After another few weeks, the ad agency has just completed re-shooting the commercial and the head of Wilson wants it aired right away - he has no time to preview it this time, trusting them to have fixed the problem. He is at home that night when the commercial airs. As before, the camera flies over the mountain and begins closing in on two figures this time. It gets closer and closer, until the viewers see the two guards standing beside a lone cross. In the distance, a man with a sheet around his waist can be seen running down the mountain. One guard turns to the other and says, "See, I told you we should have used Wilson Nails."

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?" Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida retirement community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same. The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?" The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now." "Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!!!"

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage. Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what else do you know?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her. "I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered. William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa. She stopped him and said "Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something" "Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it." "I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife." Stunned William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?" "I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one." William searched high and low but couldn't find the knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him. The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife. With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes. "What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold knifes?" "I can't tell you" she replied. After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said "someday I will be older. My hair will turn grey, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy scout would do for one of these knifes?"

During World War II, this British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "the injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly that we will have to amputate it immediately. I realise how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please do not hesitate to ask." "Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission? I'd jolly well feel a whole lot better if my leg wound up in good old England." "I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done." So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news. "Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?" "Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?" "Ja," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave your man's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before. One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done absolutely everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..." "Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England." The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot. "So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied Major Howe. "Jolly good. That's right." "Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied the Major. "That's correct too." "And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?" "Correct again," replied the Major. "Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape are you?"

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'

These two knight lads are riding through a forest in medieval England when they come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!" exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about." "I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with discomfort." "Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the peasant. "But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armour be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the forest save thee." The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short while later they come upon a milkmaid leading a cow along their path. "Halt there, fair young woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!" exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move in this forest during the night." "Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare, and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste." "Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armour be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen. I would remember such an image." The knights thank the maid and continue on their way. A short while later one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other, "Where the fuck is Steve?"

Here's a really touching little story we came across. It's about this young postal worker who was working in a Dublin sorting office, and whose job it was to handle all the letters and parcels that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came in, addressed in this very shaky and spidery handwriting, and written to none other than God. The young lad thought to himself: "Janey Mac, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow from Raheny, living on a very small pension and the free bus pass. Yesterday a nasty young man on the street stole my purse. It had two of those new 50-euro notes in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. The trouble is that next Sunday is the double episode of 'Fair City' on the television, and I had invited two of my pals over for dinner. Without that money though, I've nothing to buy any food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The lad in the post office was really touched, so he went around showing the letter to all his workmates. Each of them dug into his pocket or wallet and came up with a euro or two. By the time he'd made the rounds, the young lad had collected 96 euros, which they bunged into an envelope and posted to the pensioner. The rest of the day, all the workers felt this really warm glow, thinking of the nice thing what they had done. So the Sunday of the double episode of 'Fair City' came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady. Once again it was addressed to God in the spidery writing. All the workers gathered around while the young lad opened the letter and read it out loud: "Dear God, this is that widow in Raheny again. How can I ever thank you enough for the really nice thing that you did for me! Because of your generosity, I was able to arrange a really lovely dinner for my two friends. We had a very nice evening, and I told my friends of your wonderful, wonderful gift. By the way, there was four euros missing. It was no doubt them thieving fuckers in the post office."

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a strapping young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself - that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim - "Yale." "That's very good... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr Yonson."

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta. A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish. "How long it took you to catch them?" The American asked. "Only a little while." The Mexican replied. "Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The American then asked. "I have enough to support my family's immediate needs." The Mexican said. "But," The American then asked, "What do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats." "Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions, senor? Then what?" The American said slowly, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos..."

In the jungle there lived a gorilla and a rhino. The gorilla and the rhino had been best mates for over 5 years. They went to the watering hole together and stuff. The next year winter had finished and spring had sprung, and the gorilla was feeling a little randy. After about a month he hadn't managed to pull and he was feeling more randy. After another month he still hadn't so he was feeling even more randy. One day he was walking through the jungle and there ahead of him was the rhino bent over drinking from the lake. This was too much for the gorilla who saw the rhino's arse right there in front of him swaying gently from side to as he drank. The gorilla couldn't contain himself any more and ran straight at the rhino and buggered him senseless for a good half-hour - and all the time the rhino was screaming, "get off me, I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" but he couldn't do anything because the gorilla was holding on too tight. Eventually the gorilla finished and climbed off. "Right, I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" he shouted and started running after the gorilla. The gorilla was yelling, "We've been best mates for 5 years, we shouldn't let a little thing like this come between us!" but the rhino wouldn't have any of it and he was slowly catching up. The gorilla ran into a camp where an explorer was sat in a chair reading the newspaper. He ran off to the north but he couldn't get past the cliffs, so he ran back to the camp. He ran east but he couldn't get past the river, so he ran back to the camp. He ran west but he couldn't get through the undergrowth, so he ran back to the camp. Then he wrung the explorer's neck, grabbed his clothes and newspaper, threw the explorer over the trees, sat down, and started to read. The rhino ran into the camp. He ran off to the north, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the east, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the west, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. "Excuse me," he said, "but have you seen a gorilla around?" The gorilla, still reading to hide his face asked, "What, the one that buggered a rhino by the watering hole down there?" "Oh God! Don't tell me it's in the papers already."

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except if you're willing to try a new experimental treatment." "What's the treatment?" Jack asks sadly. "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it then says, "The thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. I'll have the treatment." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his trousers. His penis immediately sprung from his trousers, went to the table top, grabbed a bread roll, then returned back into his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" "Well, I think so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my arse."

A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife around the shop. The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub. The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime. Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read: ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets -6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "Okay," agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...up and up...below him the ship grew smaller...on and on...past a solitary albatross...and still higher...till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...and on still further...till the ocean grew dim...and the earth itself...began to shrink...past our moon...and on...and Mars...and on...higher, and higher...through the asteroid belt...and on and on towards the diving board...past the outer planets, until...on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain...and then...he jumped. . Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL......... SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. "HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!" And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen." The tramp blushed. The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see... I'm a just poor tramp...so you must understand...I've been through many a hardship in my life."

121-Dyslexic Cinderella Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with knuge hackers and a shairy hithole. At the end of each day both of them were knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. She was ducking fistgusted when they wouldn't let her go. The sugly isters left her all on her own while they bent to the wall and pot gissed all night.Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian with a cairy hunt and tairy hits She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. Rindercella was amazed. "Miste all crucking fighty," she said The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Siff and the Siffling Seven. They were gucking food but too nucking foisy. It was the drucking fummer -what a rucking facket! The cabaret was nucking fopeless. When he blew his trucking fumpet he was bucking frilliant, but he was a big-headed banky wastard and everyone wished he would stick his trumpet up his ucking farsehole. when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that forrible hucker over there," said Buttons.. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. "Well Fuckmy Slies!" exclaimed the pransome hince. "Suck your own," said Buttons. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. And they all lived happily ever after.

It's Saturday night and Matthew Kelly is presenting "Stars in Their Eyes" on the telly. After introducing the show, Matthew announces that he has a very special guest to start off. "I want you to give this young man a really, really warm reception", he says. And with that he says, "Will you please welcome, Simon!!!" The music sounds, and on comes a young man walking on crutches. The crowd give him a tremendous welcome. As the applause dies down, Matthew turns to young Simon and says, "Well, Simon. I'd like you to tell the ladies and gentlemen in the audience and the viewers at home about your terrible accident." "Well, about six months ago, Matthew, I was in a tragic car crash." replies Simon. "Sadly, my Uncle Bill, who was driving, got killed and both my legs were amputated above the knee." "How dreadful!" says our Matthew, and by now there's barely a dry eye in the house. "But tell us about you recovery." "The doctors were marvellous." continues Simon. "Sad as it was that Uncle Bill died, he was an organ donor and my Auntie Marge consented that they use his legs in a transplant operation so they grafted them on to me." "That's incredible!" says our Matthew "And now you're on the way to full recovery." "That's right Matthew." says Simon. And the audience go wild. They're cheering, they're clapping, they're crying and are quite taken by the bravery and fortitude of this man who has put adversity and hardship behind him just to be on "Stars in Your Eyes". Finally when all the cheering finishes after several minutes, Matthew asks, "Well, and who are you going to be tonight?" "Well now Matthew," he says, "Tonight I'm going to be Simon....... and Half Uncle."

A young mother is preparing a brisket one Sunday for dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The mother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket. Now the three women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the old lady in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?" "I don't know why YOU do it" said the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Jokes