SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

Top 11 Worst Things To Say At A Funeral.......... 11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up! 10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move? 9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years! 8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks! 7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him. 6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited. 5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards. 4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining. 3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game. 2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole. 1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer printed the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant - Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better Thank you for shopping at Tesco

house to get them -- and since you're dreaming anyway, they'll bring beer.

An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing about women. The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any circumstances. The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything like that. So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the fiddler player's violin that she would be unfaithful. The fiddle player took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door. A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started singing to the tune of Auld Lang Sine: Be true, my love, be true my love, It's only for an hour. Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love, And the ship and cargo's ours. She sang back to him: Too late, my love, too late, my love, He's got me round the middle, He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice, And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

Pick-up Lines - Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality. - When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony. - You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. - You can trust me, I'm a lawyer. - I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts. - No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. - My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. - Who can blame Woody Allen? - After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning. - I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer. - How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz. - Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? - I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box? - I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynaecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Izzy is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS 1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "Email Envy." 5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. 11. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than fifteen minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had haemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew there was no way he could have haemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no haemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him. When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?" "Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had haemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no haemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won." The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me? 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly, madam," he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary. "Certainly, madam," he replied. "And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk. "Morning, madam. Sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you." She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special. "Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look." So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking. When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress. "I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you." Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra. "Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are." After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her. Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh." Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again. Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

Sex - The Mob Way Other than the rule about certain sexual acts being unmanly, the No.1 rule about having sex is pretty simple: -- Your partner should be alive and, at least 50% of the time, awake. Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Mob Lover? 1. During sex you usually a. Scream out your partners name b. Plead the Fifth Amendment c. Scream out your own name 2. Sex is best a. With the lights on b. With the lights off c. With the dashboard lights on 3. If your partner pulls a Nelson Rockefeller and dies while in the saddle, your immediate reaction is to a. Scream and roll off b. Call 911 c. Finish 4. Your lover suggests something innovative, like handcuffs. Your reaction is to: a. Try it, you might like it b. Announce politely that handcuffs are not your thing c. Wonder how you can use the TV remote during sex if you are handcuffed 5. Your partners are usually a. Blonde b. Brunette c. Inflatable 6. After sex you a. Think about how long until you can make love again b. Hang up on the phone sex operator c. Thank the priest Give yourself 3 points for every time you answered "a" Give yourself 1 point for every time you answered "b" If you answered "c" more than twice, just kill yourself, because you are a sick loser. Scoring 12-18 points: Last of the red hot mob lovers. 10-11 points: A good mob lover 7-9 points: You're no Johnny Stompanato; if you're planning to stay in the mob, you better carry a rolled up sock in your pants. 4-6 points: If you make love like this, you shouldn't be in the mob, you should be in a cemetery. 0-5 points: Forget the mob, just go to a Star Trek convention

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded places a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town. The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says, "I'll walk." And she does. The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes Her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhoea."

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said. "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who wandered nearby. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock. In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front. In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked. "Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

the floor. A real gypsy wad, fastened with a pair of rubber bands. "Quick," he says: "hide it in your knickers..." They watch the film together and all the while, the guy is fantasizing about what to do with the money. As they leave and walk towards their car, he says: "Give me the money darling..." She says: "Wait 'till we get to the car." When they're inside their car, he asks her again. She lifts her skirt and feels inside her knickers. " God!" she says: "it's gone!" "What!" he says: "where is it?" "It must have been the bloke in the seat next to me," she said:" he had his hand inside my knickers as soon as the trailers finished." "What!" the boyfriend exclaimed. "Well," she said: " I didn't know he was a thief, did I?"

Signs that You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous . During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbour's pets. . When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. . Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. . While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. . You sell all your belongings and move into a barn with a guy named Wilbur in North Carolina. . You wake up during a thunder storm and go out to fly a kite. . Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. . You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

Notes left for the Milkman ... "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk." "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it." "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks." "Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round." "When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress." "Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?" "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?" "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it." "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight." "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?" "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk." "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

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