SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Price Waterhouse efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time ... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replace a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but ... uh ... why, or what ...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked, "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off." "That's baloney", says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chickenshit. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!" "Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle. The plane almost made it, but didn't have enough lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt, dazed, and suffering from a broken jaw, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

My uncle was in the fertilised egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilise the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favourite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in... one day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm stretched out... "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "Ok," he said, and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the tv lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her, and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a beer coaster, held it up to him, and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her.... stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, NO," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again !"

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas 3-kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas 3-kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first you stand there and I kick you three times and then I stand there while you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's MY turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hummed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to look after."

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking. Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!" Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to have the body buried here, this only cost about $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George, "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

Tale from a BMW Driver. The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)! Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?). Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 120 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence? See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!

Defence Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so excited that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" " Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him. "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house."

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

One day a man got a job as a driver at a children's home for the blind. His first task was to take some of the boys for a trip to the seaside. When they arrived he asked the kids what they wanted to do. One lad said, "We want to play football on the beach!" The driver was surprised and replied, "How do you go about that then?" "It's simple really. " another boy said, "We have a special football which has bells inside it so we can follow the sound and play a game." And with that he picked the ball out of his bag, shook it and it duly jingled. The driver was suitably impressed and sure enough within a few minutes the kids were having a five-a-side match down on the sand. He watched them quite happily for a while and when he saw that they were amusing themselves safely, he decided he would sneak off for a pint in a pub on the promenade. He was just sitting down in the pub to sup on his ale when a man suddenly rushed in, looking agitated. The man ran up to the barman and shouted, "Quick!! Quick!! Call the Police!! There's a bunch of yobboes down on the beach kicking a Morris dancer to death!!"

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital in the Scotish highlands. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace As lang 's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. 'I've got you a job' says his agent. 'That's great' says the actor, what is it?' 'Well' says his agent 'it's a one-liner' 'That's okay' replies the actor, 'I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?' 'Hark I hear the cannons roar' says the agent. 'I love it' says the actor 'When's the audition?' 'Wednesday' says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'. 'Brilliant' says the director, 'you've got the job, be here 9o'clock Saturday evening'. The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; 'Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar'. He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. 'Who the hell are you?' asks the bouncer. 'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar' 'You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away', So he runs up to make up. 'Who the hell are you' asks the makeup girl. 'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'' 'You're hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, sit down here' and she applies the makeup. 'Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on'. So he dashes down to the stage. 'Who the hell are you' asks the stage manager. 'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'' 'You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up' So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?'

How our GCSE students re-invented history (Part 2) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could... "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen. "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money." "Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels." "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions." The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off. As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded." "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery. They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we would still have the Range Rover."

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked. "Naw, sir, they all be my young uns," the old man replied with a sly grin. "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old." "Thass right." said the old man with pride. "Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked. "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were right for each other and that they were soul mates. They held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love. The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed your bus!"

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen Guinevere's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King. Moral of the story: Pay your bills.

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

These two guys had just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. "No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she beings to breath again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!" "You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?".... With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... .Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush

Norm goes to a shearing shed for a few months work, and after two weeks he starts feeling horny and goes up to the station master and has a quiet word in his ear. "Listen mate, I'm feeling kinda horny, and this being me first time at a shearing shed, I was wondering what a fella's gotta do around here for a root?" "Well," said the station master. "There's old Fred out back. Every now and then the blokes fuck him when there ain't no skirt around." Norm looked at the station master with shock. "No fuckin way, mate. I ain't fuckin no god damn man!" and Norm stormed off in a rage. Two weeks later, Norms balls were on fire. His cock was red raw through wanking, yet he was desperate for some human contact. Norm walked up to the station master and said, "Listen mate, I'm desperate, I need a root so damn bad. Is that Fred still available?" The station master tells Norm that old Fred was still available and that he would bring him around straight away. Norm then said to the station master, "Could we keep this our little secret, I don't really like the idea of fucking a man, and the fewer people who know about it the better." The station master looked at Norm with those understanding eyes that come with spending many years in the outback and said, "Sure, only the five of us will ever know." "What the fuck!" said Norm, "Five of us? 'What the hell do you mean the five of us?'" "Well, there's you ... me ... Fred, and the two blokes that have gotta hold him down, cause he don't like it either!"

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?" "That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asks the model. "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris. "Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass. Later Fed returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?" "Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?" "Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't."

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

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Jokes