SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions." So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."' "Good," they said, and then what?" He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?" He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!"

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer

Romeo and Juliet Net Txt Version --------------------- Act 1 ----------------------- Login: Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat? Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou? Romeo: Outside yr window. Juliet: Stalker! Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy. Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u. Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u? Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd? Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9? Juliet: Luv U xxxx Romeo: CU then xxxx --------------------- Act 2 ----------------------- Friar: Do u? Juliet: I do Romeo: I do --------------------- Act 3 ----------------------- Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark. Romeo: OK Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die. Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished. Juliet: When CU again? Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu. Juliet: Miss u big time. --------------------- Act 4 ----------------------- Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!! Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom. --------------------- Act 5 ----------------------- Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded. Juliet: Gr8. --------------------- Act 6 ----------------------- Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts? Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works. Romeo: TEXT ME! Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8. --------------------- Act 7 ----------------------- Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx --------------------- Act 8 ----------------------- Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh... Friar: Vry bad situation. Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger. Ow!!! Logout.......!

Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he under- stood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...." Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that." The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarrassed silence, he finally admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known as......' Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle' Son number one asks why. 'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.' The peace pipe is passed to son number two. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.' Son number two asks why. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.' The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.' The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three- you shall be known as Thrush.' Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?' 'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

We were interviewing a new recruit and the owner of the company made this statement during the interview: "I believe people are more fragile than eggs, and if it were up to me, I would rather play with my eggs." It took quite a bit of restraint not to burst out in hysterical fits of laughter. While working for a leather company, we were chatting in the lab about food. One of the other lab technicians pondered aloud, "I wonder why you never get the skin on beef?" Every time my husband gets a new temp assignment, he gets a new security badge. The temp stands against the wall and the camera - generally in a fixed position - snaps the ID photo. My husband uses a wheelchair. So his security picture features the blank wall above his head. On a canal boating holiday, the boat had a shower, with a stirrup pump that pumped excess water through the side of the hull. A friend (an engineer) asked "Why didn't they put the hole in the bottom of the boat?" I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry. I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?" In the interview, which had been going very well up to this point, the interviewer asked, "Why do you want to leave your current job?" In my Induhvidual moment, I responded "It's too much work." Needless to say I didn't get any further consideration. A few of us were talking about fighter planes and one of my friends asked, "If a plane is going faster than the speed of a bullet when it fires, does the bullet come out the back of the plane?" We were all surprised when he failed out of the engineering program the following semester. I was paying my cell phone bill with a debit card. The Induhvidual behind the counter carefully checked my signature with the one on the card. I guess that's to prevent people from stealing wallets and going around paying the victim's bills.

A guy, working 35 floors up at a construction site, had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him he was going to go down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was nuts, explaining that by the time he got down and back up he would lose a half hour of time. Instead, the foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building, stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and do what he had to do. He added that since they were 35 floors up, his pee would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So, the guy decided to take his foreman's advice. Suddenly, the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, causing the guy to fall to his death! At the inquest, another worker who was on the 31st floor at the time of the accident was asked if he knew what happened. "I'm not sure," he replied, "but I think it had something to do with sex." "Something to do with sex?" the coroner said, puzzled. "What would make you think that?" "Well," the worker replied, "I saw the guy falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where did that cocksucker go?!?"

A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles." The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that shit." The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles." The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that shit". The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time He's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town." Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says, "OK send the Chinaman up." The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either."

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride. "Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained. "This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance." The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time." "Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist. "Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love". On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the centre of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlour. There was only one other patron in the store. Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. "Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a double decker. It was after eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a fisherman's friend. On the way, they stopped at a yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, she had a wine gum. He asked her name,' Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her milky way. They checked in to a hotel and went straight to their room. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of black magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her cream egg. He fondled her flap jacks, then he showed her his curly wurly and tic tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased, as he always fancied a bit of fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight, When he pulled out, his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchy. She wanted more, he needed time out, but he noticed her pink wafers looked very appetizing. He did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet and finished of by giving her a gob stopper, Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with all sorts!!!!

Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the testicles: sure enough; all the wax flew out of his ears.

Computer Guide This page is completely fucked. In fact, your computer is probably broken. The page you are looking for is seriously fucked up and is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may have to re-install your operating system. In which case, too bad. Please try the following: a.. Click the Refresh button, or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with jam. This really works. b.. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, please go away and learn to spell correctly before returning. c.. To check your connection status, unplug your PC and insert a screwdriver into the mains socket. Connection status will immediately become apparent. d.. If you like, Microsoft Windows can examine your PC and send details of all the pornography you have downloaded to its headquarters in Redmond. e.. If you would like Windows to ruin your life, f.. click Yes! Send me to jail! g.. Some sites you visit require Microsoft's authorization. Click the Windows menu and then click Let me view boobies! to uninstall this feature. h.. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you are not running Windows. Click the My Computer menu, and then right click Drive C:. On the Menu select This sucks: Please replace current operating system with Linux. And don't ask me again. i.. Click the Back to try and end this nightmare.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of pounds for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted a ten pound note and asked: "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said: "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" The woman asked. "Are you stupid?" replied the homeless woman: "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, returning the tenner to her wallet: "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight." The homeless woman was astounded: "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, I look an absolute mess, my clothes are rags and I probably smell pretty disgusting, too." The woman replied: "That's okay. It's important for my husband to see what I'll look like if I have to give up spending his money on shopping, beauty treatments, hair appointments and wine."

639= There was an archaeologist named Pamela Lovingstone who scouted around with a group of fellow archaeologists, and she had never made a big find of any kind to speak of, so they decided the next time they discovered a new cave, she could go in first. Several days later, they found the new one, and she went in, and found a small pile of remains, she didn't recognize, so she boxed the remains, sent them to Washington, DC, to the Smithsonian with a note that read: Dear Sirs: Enclosed is what I believe to be the petrified penis of a pompous Persian prince. Sincerely, Pamela Lovingstone A few weeks later, she received a note back, that read: Dear Miss Lovingstone: We are sorry to inform you that the remains you sent in was not the petrified penis of a pompous Persian prince, it was, instead, the after product of a corrupted Corinthian who crept into the crypt and crapped.

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal. Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big. They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

Guide to Great Cybersex 1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard. 2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why. 3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile. 4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen. 5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony. 6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard!" 7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out." 8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.) 9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice. 10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off. An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight. "What in the world happened and where's my camel?" "Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."

During a commercial airline flight a navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said nursing would Help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Bloody Mary, ______a Margarita ______a Scotch and soda ______a Martini ______a Vodka and Tonic ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a Bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate ______Sex it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the Seattle Jazz Funeral Band and/or a Bagpipe Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had together. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

start some shit but we just laughed, We told them it was their rule and to go fuck themselves and clean the shit off their pants. They called security and security came. Security man was like WTF is that fuckin smell and looked at the nerds with shit over all of them and kicked them off the grounds screaming LMAO. So that is how I got my ps3.

Progress? Then....and now. (sadly, not that much a joke) Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Little Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 - Middle School Counsellor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1963 - Ants die. 2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary, who hugs Johnny to comfort him. 1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. And this is what they call progress?

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." POOF The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." POOF He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Dear Mr. Collector; I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four razorback hogs all on credit. In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung for horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan and left me with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window and pulled the trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed. Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some one shot the nuts off my best bull. Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives from sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit. The queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started to run around with a horse fly. The honey started to taste like shit and I couldn't see it. So then, Mr. Collector, you say If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot poker. But you are welcome to try. Signed, Joe

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?" He answered, "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23]

Jokes