SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted. The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted." In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from it's current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote a check immediately.

A young Kevin Holm from The Yukon moves to Vancouver and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says," Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alaska". Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department. I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it. I took him down to the automotive department. I sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's fucked-- you might as well go fishing."

Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you? Yep. Well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. What sort of trouble? Well I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away? They disappeared Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing Nothing? It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type. Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out? How do I tell? Do you see the C prompt on the screen? What's a sea-prompt? Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isn't any cursor. I told you. It won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator? What's a monitor? It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a light on it to tell you when it's on? I don't know. Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes in to it. Can you see that? Yes I think so. Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall. Yes it is. When you were behind the monitor did you notice whether there were two cables plugged in to the back of it, not just one? No Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay. Here it is. Follow it for me and tell me if it's securely plugged into the back of your computer. I can't reach. Uhuh, well can you see if it is? No Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean over? Oh it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark. Dark? Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Well, turn on the office light then. I can't. Why not? Because there's a power outage. A power.....power outage? Aha. Okay we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer was in? Well yes, I keep them in the closet. Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it, then take it back to the store you bought it from. Really , is it that bad? Yes I'm afraid it is. Well, all right then, I suppose so. What do I tell them? Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia. Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists. After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists. After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot. Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away. The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist. The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea. As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they've run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth night, as they're having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend. "Look, we've been having a pretty good time up here, but let's face it...after four days together we've run out of things to talk about." He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they should separate for the day and hike off in opposite directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they'd seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss. So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions. The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head. Butterflies are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he'd ever seen. Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready. As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. "Fantastic!" he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc. His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed. "So tell me about YOUR day now", he prompted. "Well", began his friend, "I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk." By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement. "Wow, that's incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So...did you get a blow job too?" he asked. "Nahh," replied his friend. "I couldn't find her head."

White went out to tell her pals "The magic mirror just told me that I am the fairest of them all!" she cried. Tom Thumb decides to have a go so he enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the tiniest of them all?" he asked. "You are, Tom Thumb , you are tiniest of them all!" came the reply. Tom ran out "The mirror just told me that I am the tiniest of them all!" Finally Quasimodo enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the ugliest bastard of them all?" he asked - outside his pals are waiting. Quasi comes out of the cottage looking puzzled. "Who the fuck is Robin Cook?" he asks.

The Pianist This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the goddam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe," he politely inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his own songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing and almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice: "Where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping on your shoes?". The bloke replies: "Know it, I fucking wrote it"

A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one , night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table. On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table. The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?" The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be..."

"Good afternoon, ladies," says Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a park bench as he and his good friend Dr. Watson are taking an afternoon stroll through the park in London. When they are out of earshot from the three women, Dr. Watson asks, "I say, Holmes, do you know those ladies back there?" "No, Watson," replies Holmes, "I don't know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride." Astonished, Watson asks again in a surprised voice, "Good heavens, Holmes! If you don't know them, how can you be sure that they are who you say they are?" "Elementary, my dear Watson," replies Holmes. "Have you noticed how those women are eating the bananas as we pass by?" "Yes so what about it?" wonders Watson. "Well, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts in her mouth." "Amazing," says the smiling Watson. "What about the prostitute?" "Simple! Have you observed how the prostitute holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth?" Eyes widening with discovery, Watson exclaims, "You're right, Holmes! I never thought of that. How about the new bride?" Flashing a wide grin, Holmes explains, "The new bride holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana."

Just had to come out, Just had to come right out in here.... (Guitar solo) Korma, saag or bhuna, Balti, naan, bhaji. Nothing makes a difference Nothing makes a difference to me (Anyway, my wind blows.)

How our GCSE students re-invented history Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics. The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book-Guinessis - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?' Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,he gasped out 'Tee hee, Brutus.' Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems verses and literature. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. When she exposed herself before her troops, they shouted 'Hurrah' Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 100ft clipper. The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf, he wrote loud music. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East. And the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Another good story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple as he stood on his son's head.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes." "There is one other thing," the driver said. "What is that?" "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

This young man was going golfing one day, but he wasn't very good. He had been hitting the ball in the rough, the water, and soon a sand trap. By the time he hit the sand trap he was very annoyed. So he stood there swinging at the ball but missing and in the process digging a hole. Soon he hit something hard (not the golf ball). He bent over and dug it up to see what it was. When he had it uncovered he found an old oil lamp. He thought to himself, and began to rub the lamp. To his surprise and delight a fat old Genie came from the lamp in a huge puff of smoke. "Wow ten-thousand years in a lamp!! I have soo many things to do and to see!!", exclaimed the Genie. "Now I know you want your three wishes, but I am going to be very busy, so if you write them down on a piece of paper I will get to them as soon as I can." The guy thought that would be fine, so he wrote down his three wishes, gave them to the Genie and went home. A couple of weeks had passed since the encounter and the man had begun to forget about the Genie and his wishes. One day the man was at his house when the doorbell rang. There was a UPS man at the door with a very large package for him. The man signed for it and took it inside. He opened the package to find that it was a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. "Dates and Grain cereal, where the hell did this come from," he wondered. The man began looking through his things to see if he could find out where he had asked or ordered a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. While he was looking he came across his list of wishes. He looked at the first wish, 1: A Great Dane. "No, he thought to himself. He couldn't be that dumb." The Genie had given him Dates and Grain cereal instead of a Great Dane. "Oh well, anyone can make a mistake," he thought. About a week later the man received another package, he signed for it and then opened it. He found a Zebco fishing rod. "What is this, when did I get one of these," exclaimed the man. He thought about what happened last time he got a package that he didn't know about. "My second wish was for a fast car not something that casts far!! That damn Genie!" The next day the man was at his home when there was a knock at his door, he opened it and there was a guy standing at the door. "Hi my name is Blob, Joe Blob, and I will be with you every Saturday night from now on!"

LIFE magazine sends out one of its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories from the people living in those mountains. When the reporter reaches the area, he climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch of his log cabin. "Good morning, sir!" says the reporter. "I'm a reporter from LIFE magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. Do you have any memorable stories to tell?" The old man thinks for a while and then says with a smile, "I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that sheep, we took turns humping it under the lemon tree. We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating." The reporter is so dumbfounded by what he has just heard that it takes a while before he can say anything. Then he tells the old man, "That's, ahh, an, ahh, interesting story, sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. Do you have any other memorable stories to tell?" "Let's see," the old man tries to remember something and then he grins as he narrates the story. "I remember the day when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that girl, we took turns humping her under the lemon tree. We had a great time eating, drinking and fornicating." This exasperates the reporter who says in a frustrated voice, "Listen, sir! My magazine won't allow even that story to be printed. How about some sad stories? Do you have any sad stories to tell?" This time, the old man looks sad and says, "Well, I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains ..."

Interview with Neil Armstrong Interviewer On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions. Neil Armstrong Actually that was not what I said. It's been misquoted for the last 25 years but until now I couldn't tell anyone what I really said. Interviewer That's amazing Neil, can you tell us now then? Neil Armstrong The first words I said after stepping on to the moon's surface were "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for Manny Klein" Interviewer Who is Manny Klein? Neil Armstrong A very dear friend of mine who sadly passed away last month. We were drinking buddies for years and he'd always said how terrific sex was with his wife but he couldn't persuade her to give him a blow job. Her answer was always the same. "The day they put a man on the moon, that's the day you get a blow job from me!"

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant. James: -No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris: -Oh! What's that then? Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: -It's in a pond! Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house? Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself! Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: -Me? Never Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris:-How's that then? Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life! Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist! James: -What's that then? Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? James: -Nope Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker.

The wit and the wisdom of Homer J. Simpson "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' " "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.' " "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?" "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'

Mr. Johnson had been chosen by the board of a large software company as CEO. On the first day he took office as CEO, Mr. Johnson received three numbered envelopes and a note from the former CEO. In the note, the former CEO wished his successor good luck in running the company. Furthermore, the former CEO explained that he left these three envelopes containing advice. Each envelope should only be opened in the event of a crisis the company would face for which the current CEO would find himself to resolve. The only condition was that each envelope should be opened according to the numbered sequence. Mr. Johnson thought nothing of the envelopes which he placed in his desk drawer. After two months in office, Mr. Johnson faced the first crisis. There was a delay in the launching of the company's latest software and as a result, the stockmarket value of the company's shares went down. In desperation, Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes from his desk drawer and opened the envelope marked "1." The note in the envelope said "Blame your predecessor." So, Mr. Johnson called a press conference and subtly blamed his predecessor for the delay. He then went on to assure the media and the public that the newest would be in the market in thirty days. With this said, the crisis died down as the company was able to launch the software which proved to be a big hit. Mr. Johnson was able to keep his job. After fifteen successive quarters of rising profit, the company then experienced a sudden dip in profits as recession was underway. Again Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes and opened the envelope marked "2." In the envelope was a note that said, "Reorganize." So Mr. Johnson embarked on a downsizing program that cut expenses for the company and restored profitability. After five years since the recession was over, the company faced the gravest crisis that might put it out of business. A new upstart company was able to introduce into the market a new software that was much much better than the company's current product. As a result, the sales of the current product went down drastically and there were rumours that the company was a target for a hostile takeover. Mr. Johnson opened the last envelope in the hopes of finding a solution to the current crisis. However, the note in the last envelope simply said, "Prepare three envelopes."

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

It was After Eight when Éclair suggested we took Time Out and went upstairs for a Magic Moment. Once in the bedroom I felt the soft rise of her Strawberry Cups against me, her Fruit Jellies swelling in my hands like Glacé Cherries. I slipped off her dress and peeled down her Snickers, running my hand through her Curly Wurly I slid a finger or two down into her Dairy Box and delicately stroked her soft centred Strawberry Delight. "I've got the Munchies," she said and dropped to her knees. She unzipped me and took out my Nut Cluster, sucking first one, then the other Whole Nut. She then unfurled the wrapper of my lollipop running her tongue up and down the length of it and began to liquorise the purple gob-stopper. Wispa sweet nothings.Terry, she murmered as she pushed me onto my back. She straddled me and lowered her Noisette Triangle onto my face. Her Flapjacks were open and inviting - made to make your mouth water. I buried my face in her Fondant Cream and my tongue quickly located her little man in the Strawberry Boat. I began to nibble and Chewit and she continue to suck my now throbbing Crystalised Plum. She crawled towards on all petit fours, ending up kneeling in front of me, with her Raspberry Roulade pushed high in the air. I rammed my stick of rock into her pink Love Heart. "Fudge me! Fudge me harder! Harder!" she moaned. Then she cried, "Walnut Whip me! Fudge me in Mars!" I started slapping her marshmallows until they glowed like Roses. I worked a Chocolate finger into her puckering little Ginger Surprise. Then I slid my marblised sugarstick out of her Milky Way and eased it slowly into the Bournville boulevard. From the soft verges of Quality Street to the dark, narrow passageway of Black Magic. "Oh, my sweet", I groaned. "What Turkish Delight." My aniseed balls were aching. Her hand came back and gripped my humbugs as her Chocolate Whirl tightened around the Big One. It was all too much. I only managed a couple more thrusts before I cried Chocs Away! And I exploded in a Starbust of Crème Eggs and rich, dark chocolate. It takes Allsorts, I say.

A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer's club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, "You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all." Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers' club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers' club. Within a half an hour's time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers' club. After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, "This is what I want you to do now... See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle's nest on its top across the sea
" He pointed through an window facing the sea. "I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack." The Navy Seal said, "Consider it done, sir!", gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers' club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride. The Marine General said, "That's chicken feed. I will show who's braver." Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, "I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked." The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man's daring feat. The Army General then said, "You think that's brave. Watch this." Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, "I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these." The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, "SCREW YOU, SIR!", gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers' club. The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, "That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!"

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says "Pardon me, do you have the time?" Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to three", he says. "Thanks, that's a pretty fancy watch", says the man. Dave smiles. "Yes, I invented it. Check this out.", and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on earth but for the one hundred largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from inside the watch a voice with a Southwestern accent says "It's twelve minutes to three, pardner." "And listen to this", says Dave, pushing the code for London England. "It's eleven minutes before ten, old chap", says a voice with a British accent. "The voice quality is incredible, isn't it," says Dave, "but that's not all...here's a street map of Dallas." And a tiny but very high-resolution map appears on the screen. "The flashing dot shows exactly where we are by satellite positioning" Dave explains..."and if you want to see a larger area, just say aloud 'Recede'." and the display changes to show the State map of Texas. "I can't believe this" says the man. "I want to buy your watch." "Oh, no," says Dave, "I'm still working out the bugs...it's not ready for sale yet, but look at this." And he demonstrates the watch's menu of one hundred Hollywood films, the complete works of Shakespeare, the nine symphonies of Beethoven and the complete works of Mozart played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. "I've gotta have this watch" says the man. "Name your price." "No, sorry," says Dave, "it's still not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it." "I've already spent more than that developing it." "OK, $5000", says the man. "But it's not ready" explains Dave once again. "Look" says the man, opening his briefcase. "Here's $25000 in hundreds. Take it or leave it." Dave hesitates. He has only invested about $8000 in time and materials. With $25,000, he can make another, and add some new features. "OK, it's a deal", says Dave, slipping the watch off his wrist and handing it to the man, as he accepts the packets of bills. They shake hands and the man starts happily on his way. "Hey, wait a minute!" calls Dave. The man turns around warily. Dave points to the two suitcases he had been struggling with to get through the terminal. "Here," says Dave, "Don't forget your batteries."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Not only have you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, Mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping; and, besides, I've just sprained my ankle, and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight. The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby, and I know this great repairman who will be at your house promptly to fix the washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why George! Your husband! ........ Is this 223-1374?" "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number, but your voice sounds just like my daughter's." There was a short pause, and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over, after all?"

Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No," said the farmer. "Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.

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Jokes