SMS and Jokes

Miscellaneous Long (Jokes)

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother. "And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?" Stan said nothing. His brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan couldn't take it anymore and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honour." "Well congratulations, you're holding him."

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief! Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!" She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?" Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them.... but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much"

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride. "Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained. "This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance." The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time." "Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist. "Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a cloud of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate. As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the famous cowboy. "Good evening, Mr Rogers," he said. "Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers. "Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major. "I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a real meal." "Just before you go, Mr Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you." "Like what, Major?" "Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead." "My God! I'd better get over there right away!" "Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house I'm afraid" "That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family" "Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five children and appear to have raped the girls beforehand." "Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!" "Sorry Roy, but there's more. They also raped your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your dog Pal. Most of the house is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply." "Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do" "Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ." "Yes Major?" "Before you go. How's about a little song for the boys?"

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

DATELINE JUNE 2005 : TRAFALGAR 200 CELEBRATIONS... "Today it is exactly 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, yesterday an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed on board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. So how would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations? We can only imagine..." "Order the signal to be sent, Hardy." "Aye, aye sir." "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry sir?" "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." "That won't be possible, sir." "What?" "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This is mutiny." "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir, we're not." "We're not?" "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge." "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King." "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment." "What about sodomy?" "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Dear Abbey: I am a crack dealer in Jefferson County who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Grubville and one of my sisters, who lives in High Ridge, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Crystal City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Fulton for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the St Louis City Jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Arnold and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."

I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary. Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, scared me half out of my secretary. I was sitting in my chair when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside. Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on the 7th floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn't have a phone. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because she told me there was. I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us to put it back. Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that said "keep death off the roads". We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pedestrians. When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again. She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead.. I said: "Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill". He was dead so we went for a drive in the country to calm her nerves. Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left breast and broke four of my fingers. We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got back to my client's house she invited me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat. Then I as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it. and she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey Really Cute Princess!" She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!" It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog. The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince. Do you believe the story? Well neither did her mother!

A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his trees. He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!" devised the agronomist. With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough cat manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange. With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?" "I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!"

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love". On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

Thor, the god of thunder, sat on Mt Olympus and suffering from the dreaded Hawaiian disease, known as "lackanookie." Looking down on the commoners, he sighted a gorgeous blonde named Sally. In a flash of lightning and a roar of thunder, Thor is in her bedroom, and without saying a word, starts a night of rampant lovemaking. Thor wake at dawn, and still without so much as a good-bye he departs, again in the lightning and thunder. Later setting on his throne, he looks down per see his conquest just awakening. He feels guilty for having not even offered a thank you, and amid much noise and light, he sets on her bedside and says: "I'm sorry I never said good-bye, but you see, I am Thor." Sal smiles, moves her body carefully, and says: "You're thor, I am so thor I can hardly stand up.

Two blokes bump into each other in the street. "Hello Harry, what a lovely surprise" "Hello Fred, gee, have'nt seen you since we got out of the army, what've you been up to?" "Well, as you know, I played drums in the army band and when I got out I met this lovely girl who plays the double bass, well we married and had a daughter who is an excellent pianist so we have our own little trio. Listen, Harry, come around one weekend and we'll give you a musical evening. Now, what have you been up to" "Well as you know, I was the army's heavyweight champion and when I got out I met up with this woman wrestler, well we have a son who has got a black belt in karate. You must come around the weekend and we'll give you a bloody good hiding"

A gentleman was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" She replied, "No, no, puppies....."

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macys's in New York City. He told the saleswoman: "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked: "What kind of bra?!" He repeated: "A Baptist bra - she said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember" said the saleswoman, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked: "So, what are the differences?" The woman responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and asked: "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "... make mountains out of molehills!"

A young couple are driving down the road on a cold and snowy winter night. As they are driving down the icy road, they spot a little skunk shivering on the edge of the road. The girl looks at the guy and says, "Stop! The poor little thing is freezing to death. Lets bring him into the car so he can warm up." The guy looks at the girl with a sour look on his face and stops. He gets out of the car and walks back to pick up the little skunk. He gets the skunk and carries it back to the car. The girl sits there petting the little skunk while he warms up. After a few minutes, she looks at him and says, "The poor little thing is still shivering!". The guy looks at her, and being disgusted with the whole idea of having a skunk in his car, he says, "Well, why don't you put him between your legs and warm him up that way". The girl looks at the skunk and then at her boyfriend and says, "But it stinks". The guy looks at her and says, ... "Well, then hold his little nose then!."

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively. He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?" "Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today." "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded. "Yes", she insisted. "Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one. She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty. The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that was the peach poosay and he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece and did the same. The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter responded, "But no Monsieur, you eat the poosay."

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam. sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment. Mary had written ..... 'Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . . " "You just happened to catch my eye

The Prince was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over her most favourite Corgi dog. The poor unfortunate thing was crushed to a pulp! The Prince got out of his car sat down on the grass and started weeping. The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be mad at him as well. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a genie appeared. "You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie: "For freeing me I grant you one wish!" "Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I will ever need, but let me show you this dog". They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life?" asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far to gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there anything else you would like"? The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his wallet and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph. "But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the second photograph. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"? The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's have another look at that dog..."

Ole and Sven are neighbours in Wisconsin. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Minnesota. He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens." Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

Beside a lake two Indian tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before. There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other... even though they were warned by their chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold winter night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight. When they reached each other in the centre of the lake, they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man. I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid".

Little Tommy, a good Lancashire lad, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse that there ever was - who had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local cowboys tried their best, but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped little Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But they let him have a go, and they were astounded when Tommy not only sat on the horse for 10 seconds and more, while Blue Steel bucked and lunged to throw him off like never before, but in a few minutes Blue Steel was so exhausted the he could be ridden in a very docile way all around the ring. Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before " said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?" "Easy ", said Tommy "the wife's an epileptic."

For those of us approaching our golden years, here's some important news to avoid that nursing home your kids picked. About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc, seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said: "I heard you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied: "Yes, that's true." I said: "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause: "It's cheaper than a nursing home!" So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 14 days. 7. T. V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. PS: And don't forget the best bit; when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge at all!

I once worked with two brothers who were always playing practical jokes on each other. Two gypsy chaps, one of whom lived in a house and seemed perfectly 'settled', and his wilder brother who lived in a caravan where he 'entertained' a constant stream of other men's wives. By all accounts he had a winning way with 'massage', and had several bottles of baby oil scattered about his van. He preferred married women because - he said cynically - 'they don't cling'. Though I doubt if anything could cling with the amount of oil he got through. His brother - who worked with me in a bakery 'somewhere in England' spilt liquid yellow food colour on his hands, and despite repeated scrubbings it took about two weeks to really wear off. That Sunshine Yellow (tartrazine) is truly powerful stuff. The 'settled' brother, having fallen out with the other one over some minor slight, took home some yellow colour and decanted it into one of the bottles of oil in the caravan. Because of the opaque plastic it wasn't obvious what he had done. He told the rest of the night staff and there were several days of anticipation before the 'wild' one came in with a face as black as thunder and bright yellow fingers. It transpired he had rubbed the stuff all over the more erogenous areas of his latest conquest in the dim light without realising, and that she was now desperately trying to think of daily excuses for not sleeping with her husband, who couldn't understand why his normally lusty wife had suddenly gone coy and taken to wearing 'passion killing' pyjamas. "Not tonight, Love. I'm feeling just a little bit off-colour!"

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Jokes