SMS and Jokes

Men and Women Bashing (Jokes)

WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't shag women's legs at cocktail parties.)

Why do women have orgasms? It gives them another reason to moan.

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Manliness Test 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. No big concern of yours. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time. C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Scoring Guide: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"

Male Instructional Guide For Relationships The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm? A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: Why don't women have brains? A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Her side of the story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised. He didn't say anything about it. The conversation was very slow, so I thought we should go somewhere more intimate and talk privately. We went to a restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up. I started to wonder whether it was me, or something else. I asked him, and he said no. I wasn't really sure. In the car, on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply. He just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say it back. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. After about 10 minutes, he joined me. To my surprise, we made love. He still seemed really distracted. Afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but I cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really think he is seeing someone else. His side of the story: Arsenal lost. Got laid though.

Q: Why did God give women yeast infections? A: So they would learn what it was like to live with an irritating cunt.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

In the beginning God was a woman. She created woman in her own likeness, giving her a beautiful world to live in. One day woman comes to God with a request. she says "God, thank you for this beautiful world and making me in your likeness but I really need a favour. This third tit you gave me--you know the one in the centre ? Well it's really useless, could you take it away?" God says "Sure can woman" and zap the 3rd tit is gone. Woman says "thank you God " A while later woman comes to God with another request she says "God, thank you for everything, but it's getting a little lonely down here, could you make me a mate, someone different from me who knows what to do with all of these wonderful body parts? " God says, "Sure thing, I just need something to fashion him after .........now, where did I put that useless tit
"

A medical study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those evolutionary genetic things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink!

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT... 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. 2. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. 3. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. 4. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are at all 'funny'. 5. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't here. 6. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak. 7. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. 8. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as 'making love'), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. 9. I will never, ever give your penis a 'cute' nickname. 10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men'. 11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.

The three most amazing things about women are: 1 They can give milk without eating grass. 2 They can bleed for a week and not die. 3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty.

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q: What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman's mouth? A: Albert Einstein's dick.

They found a cure for mad cow disease: A box of chocolate and a dozen roses

Q: Why do men fart more then women? A: Women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

How do you fuck a fat girl? Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot

TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.

A man called a television repair service. The voice on the phone inquired, "Can you describe the problem, please?" The man stammered for a second, and then said, "Every time I change the channel, I hear a high pitched whining sound." The serviceman confidently replied, "Oh! That's just your wife!"

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is not necessary. Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. The Geography of a Man Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Q. Why did God create woman? A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

New Drive Through Cash Machines To enable new users to use this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE 1.. Drive up to cash machine. 2.. Roll down car window. 3.. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5.. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6.. Roll up window. 7.. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1.. Drive up to cash machine. 2.. Put car in reverse and back up to required distance to align car window to machine. 3.. Restart stalled engine. 4.. Roll down car window. 5.. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passengers seat to locate card. 6.. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car. 8.. Insert card. 9.. Re-insert card the right way up. 10.. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11.. Enter PIN. 12.. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13.. Enter amount of cash required. 14.. Check make-up in rear view mirror. 15.. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17.. Place receipt in back of cheque book. 18.. Re-check make-up again. 19.. Drive forward 10 feet. 20.. Put car in reverse and back up to cash machine. 21.. Retrieve card. 22.. Re- empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot. 23.. Re-check make-up 24.. Restart stalled engine and pull out. 25.. Drive for 3 or 4 miles. 26.. Release hand brake.

Which of these is the odd one out? A television, a refrigerator, a washing machine, and a woman. The television. The other three leak when they're fucked.

Beer vs Pussy A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw. If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy. Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer. Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Draw Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

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