SMS and Jokes

Men and Women Bashing (Jokes)

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice. Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer! Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly

Q: Why did God make man first? A: He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.' He said, 'I love you.' I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him." The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A BLOKE A five day holiday requires one overnight bag Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat Queues for the bathroom don't exist You can open all your own jars When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying All your orgasms are real You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around You can go to the bathroom without a support group When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness Nobody wonders if you swallow You never have to clean a toilet You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week Sex means never worrying about your reputation Wedding plans take care of themselves If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgotto invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend You don't have to shave below your neck None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices You can write your name in the snow Biological clock? Chocolate is just another snack Flowers fix everything You never have to worry about other people's feelings You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours Reverse parking is easy Foreplay is optional Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe Understanding football (any football!) You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them. Car mechanics tell you the truth You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe The whole world is your urinal Hot wax never comes near your pubic area One mood, all the time Same work, more pay! Grey hair and wrinkles add character The remote control is yours and yours alone No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice anything different?" Farts are funny Baywatch Friends is about six tits from New York. And three blokes Yes Jeremy Clarkson is a sexist pig. But it's ok, he's a funny sexist pig. If you sit on your hand till it's numb and then wank, it feels like someone else. Which is nice. You don't have to keep any Simply Red, M People or compilations called names like 'All 100% Woman' in the car. Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong I'm certainly not telling you." Your mates never say "Talk to me" Your mates never say "What's offside?" You can still talk to your mate about sex after knowing him for more than three years. Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a while. Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt that says "I have a beer belly".

Ad in an Australian Newspaper Wanted A tall well-built woman with good reputation , who can cook frogs legs , who appreciates a good fuc- shia garden , classic music and tal- king without getting too serious . Interested ? Then please only read lines 1 , 3 and 5 ; still Interested ? Call me at ...... 850-0327

I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?

As the airliner moved back from the gate, the fight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judy Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." John, sitting in the 6th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda." When the flight attendant came by with the drink cart, John asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Is the captain a woman?" "That's correct, sir," she replied. "In fact, this entire crew is female." "Good Lord," said John, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing, sir," the flight attendant said. "We no longer call it the cockpit."

Definition of Barbequing: When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ", the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman goes to the store. 2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand. 4) The man places the meat on the grill. 5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6) The woman comes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning. 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is just no pleasing some women.....

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt. ? Answer: A pussy is that furry thing between a woman's legs that feels so good, and tastes so good and us guys have so much fun with, And a cunt is what owns it.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy? He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

A family are sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!"

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said: "I want a spectacular job... a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." Lightening struck. "Poof!" said the genie. "You're now a housewife!"

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Your Wife

Why do women blame men for the wet patch? If you use a hose to fill a bucket and water leaks out of the bucket would you start looking for a problem in the hose?

a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know.

Little Penis Jokes Women Love 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Stop fingering me and fuck me. 4. I'm sorry. 5. Who circumcised you? 6. Why don't we just cuddle? 7. You know they have surgery to fix that. 8. It's more fun to look at. 9. Make it dance. 10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 11. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 12. It looks like a nightcrawler. 13. Wow, and your feet are so big. 14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 15. It's OK, we'll work around it. 16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 19. Oh no, a flash headache. 20. (giggle and point) 21. Can I be honest with you? 22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 23. Let me go get my tweezers. 24. How sweet, you brought incense. 25. This explains your car. 26. You must be a growing boy. 27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 29. Are you one of those pygmies? 30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 31. Ever hear of Clearasil? 32. All right, a treasure hunt! 33. I didn't know they came that small. 34. Why is God punishing you? 35. At least this won't take long. 36. Let's just stick with your hand. 37. Do you need a splint to prop that up. 38. How interesting. 39. I never saw one like that before. 40. What do you call this? 41. But it still works right? 42. Damn I hate baby-sitting. 43. It looks so unused. 44. Do you take steroids? 45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick. 46. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere. 48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 49. Let me know when you're done. 50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 52. Aww, it's hiding. 53. Are you cold? 54. If you get me real drunk first. 55. Is that an optical illusion? 56. What is that? 57. Does this run in your family? 58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry. 59. Were you neutered? 60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 61. Does it come with an air pump? 62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 63. Where are the puppet strings? 64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once. 65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!! 66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 67. Can you get this pencil out of me now? 68. Do I hang my hat on it? 69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! 70. Don't hold back. 71. Never mind, why bother.

Chain letter At last, a decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates who are just as virile as you. INSTRUCTIONS Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes) and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5% miss worlds, 2.5% models plus 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities(that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner. PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example: Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Sex Guide for Women 1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top, where your face should be, not two-thirds of the way down. 2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle. 3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. 4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences. 5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness. 6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it. 7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. 8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away. 9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything. 10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever, even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings. 11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing. 12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation. 13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy. 14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging. 15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy finale to fun and games. 16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you, especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated. 17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

THE RULES The FEMALE always makes THE RULES The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES. The FEMALE is never wrong. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset. The MALE is expected to mind read at all times. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. The MALE must be ready at all times. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women No.10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's. No.9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home. No.8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times. No.7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up. No.6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. No.5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. No.4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month. No.3 A handgun doesn't ask... 'Do these new grips make me look fat?' No.2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. No.1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Why are women like prawns? Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits taste great.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Valentine Slogans 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty". 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

It's Good To Be The Woman We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching their butts. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

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