SMS and Jokes

Men and Women Bashing (Jokes)

HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN NUTS...... Never give her a straight answer. Take up yodelling and practice a lot. Pretend you forgot how to speak English. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it. Super-glue the toilet seat in the up position. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." Use with caution...as PMS is a valid murder defence in many states.

STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES CHANGING ROOM No. That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? No. I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday. No. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man... No. I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage. No. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples... No. Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU No. Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself No. Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the 'plain, severe and drab' look in this season? No. Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it? No. Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers No. I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots No. Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help? No. Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that? No. God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself? No. I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you...

Why do women have two holes close together? Just in case you might miss one

Dating Types DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER: She has been married three times and kept all the houses FINE CHARACTER She's an ex-hooker KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY: She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours SPOTLESS REPUTATION: She's a slut STRONG FAMILY TIES: She's a Mafia Princess LOVES CHILDREN: She's pregnant and needs a husband WONDERFUL PERSONALITY: She's fat GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say THE OUTDOOR TYPE: She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys READY TO SETTLE DOWN: She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME: She gets piss drunk LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES: Often makes an ass of herself MATURE WOMAN: She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL: She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager CASUAL: She dresses like a slob DECORATED HER OWN PLACE: Her apartment resembles a pig sty A GREAT DANCER: She a Stripper/Lapdancer NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL: She only cries twenty-seven times a day DOESN'T CHASE MEN: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type SELDOM DATES: She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something UNDERSTANDS MEN: She's been married and divorced four times A GOOD SPORT: She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL: She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS: She's a former porn movie star TRAVELLED A LOT: She's been in a LOT of Motels KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE: None of whom would marry her WONDERFUL DISPOSITION: She has PMS A HARD WORKER Retired from "Hooters"

MALE SPEECH PATTERNS 'I can't find it' MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless. 'Will you marry me?' MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out; I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left. 'Can I help you with dinner?' MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table? 'It would take too long to explain.' MEANS: I have no idea how it works. 'We're going to be late.' MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac. 'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.' MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. 'That's interesting dear.' MEANS: Are you still talking? 'You really look terrific in that outfit.' MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving. 'This relationship is getting too serious.' MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck. 'I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.' MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Subject: Dear Kotex I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty-liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as: Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products... Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell... but go ahead... I triple-dog-friggin-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and re move the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating..sleeping..bitching.. or crying for no apparent reason... and oh... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin' activity????? Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates. Printing out crappy advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a consumers running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package to announce that... Helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & smiley faces and shove them right up your ass. P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very friendly person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

WHY WOMEN LIE! One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress . The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

80 years old 20 million in the bank 102 fever

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom with your name on it" Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan Extra Small"

Mum's Dictionary AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to make love again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.. WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mum catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Women are like newspapers because... Older ones are not in demand near as much They're well worth looking over They have a great deal of influence You can't believe everything they say They always have the last word You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbour's

MAXINE'S LIVING WILL I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine, Ribs, chocolate, Margarita, chocolate, Martini, Cold Beer, chocolate, Chicken, fried steak, cream, gravy, chocolate, Mexican food, chocolate, French fries, chocolate, Pizza, chocolate, ice cream, cup of tea, chocolate, Chocolate, Sex, Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

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