SMS and Jokes

Men and Women Bashing (Jokes)

Five minutes of peace and quiet.

What is the definition of making love? Something a woman does while a guy is humping her

How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight? 12) I really like football, can you take me to a game. 13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive. 14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen. 15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea. 16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed. 17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows. 18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me. 19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time. 20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3. "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4. "You've done this with a lot of guys before - right?" 5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, okay?" 6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that cat food?" 7. (Yelling) "Okay guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!" 8. "You're great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!" 9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?" 11. "Maybe if you did some push-ups, your boobs would grow?" 12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!" 16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately..." 17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?" 18. "You should go wash that, the cabby will think something died in there!"

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning? Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

Ten Things Men Know About Women 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 They have breasts

Recent scientific tests have proven that the most intelligent gene can be found in women. Unfortunately 98% of them spit it back out

Do you know what would happen if it was Three Wise Women who came at Epiphany? They would have planned the journey, been on time, helped to deliver the baby, cleaned up the stable, made a casserole, wrapped the gifts and we would have had peace on earth!

What does PMS stand for? Penis Must Suffer

Why do men like women with big tits and tight pussies? Because they have big mouths and little dicks.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm? He's snoring.

Positive Things About Men & Women Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities? Let's start with the Ladies: Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring. Women cry when they are happy. Women are always doing little things to show they care. They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist) Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up. They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion. Women know how to get the most for their money They know how to comfort a sick friend. Women bring joy and laughter to the world. The know how to entertain children for hours on end! They are honest and loyal. Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior. They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need. Women are easily brought to tears by injustice. They know how to make a man feel like a king. Women make the world a much happier place to live. Now, for the Men: Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.

What's the difference between PMT and BSE? One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.

A friend of mine is having trouble with his new operating system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there were conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.4 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried re-installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted, they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Another problem is that Wife 1.0 automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WHINGEzip for no reason and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every week. It also refused some of the new games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

A GIRLS PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long, One who thinks before he speaks, When promises to call, he won't wait weeks, I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed, Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more, Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen, I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempt to shag my best friend, And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the wanker you sent me instead. Amen. A BOYS PRAYER Lord, I pray for a slag with big tits. Amen.

What are the useless, flappy bits of skin around the vagina called? Women.

Elaine is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure." Roger is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day guarantee. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags." Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy." Roger is thinking, "Guarantee ? They want a guarantee ? I'll give them a fucking guarantee . I'll take their guarantee and stick it right up their arse" "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Toilet Habits 15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman: 1. Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home. 2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper. 3. Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times. 4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached). 5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back. 6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh. 7. Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever. 8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces. 9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role). 10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all. 11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport. 12. Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries. 13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap. 14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener. 15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you. 15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man: 1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4). 2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife in a loud voice and always when she has visitors. 3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, and then sit down. 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim. 5. Open reading material and relax. 6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart. 7. Sigh loudly as the first turd bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man. 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks. 9. Rise and look at the turd. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, example: color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts/carrots etc. You MUST tell people about it. 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. Always look at the paper before throwing it into the pot. 11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper. 12. Flush once. If there is any residue left in the pot, on the pot or close to the rim, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself, or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet. 13. Always leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later). 14. Wash your hands if you have time. 15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

31 questions to Men 1. Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life-span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood. 2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgity types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" a. Please sleep with me. b. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. c. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. d. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. e. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. f. Stop nagging me. g. What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 15. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 16. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? 17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. 18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? 19. Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. 20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) 21. Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. 22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. 23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. 24. Do all men really masturbate? Yes. It is genetically inherited behaviour. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. 25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength? Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial co-ordinate motor co-ordination? It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. 28. Why do men like younger women? Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less control over their bodies. 29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds? While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often. 30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)? Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. 31. Why are men such dogs? I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

An Ode to Oral Sex FOR THE GIRLZ Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the hell's he gonna cum? Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. FOR THE BOYZ Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag! Eating out and chowing down, but tonight I'm not out on the town. Tonight I'm served a seafood dish, well at the least it tastes like fish. Time to overcome my fears, as she drags me down there by my ears, to feast upon her hairy pie, where pubes and stubble jab my eye. She lies back and moans and then softly sighs, I cant help thinking about scampi & fries. Don't lick too low, move up a bit, got to be careful or I'm in the shit. Nibble, lick, caress and stroke, the things I do just for a poke. Up, down and right a bit, where the hell does she keep her clit? I'll never find it here like this, fanny design just takes the piss. To find my way around her twat, I'll need a torch and miners hat. I think my tongue is failing me, Christ I hope she doesn't pee. I've been licking her minge for years. I wish I could breathe through my ears. God I hope that she comes quick, since my neck's developing a crick. I'm sweating like I've got a fever, under the covers, eating split beaver, I must have hit the right spot at last, cos' her screams are gaining volume fast, her thighs clamp tight around my head, and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed. She's coming at last and making a racket, her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet. I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care, that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair. And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter and juices that taste like a seafood platter. But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss, but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

This guy goes for a crap and it just keeps going. He's crapping for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no brains left at this point. He's finally done, he wipes his arse and for the first time in his life he puts the seat down. ...

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

BRAIN SYSTEM Attention. Alert registered. CAPTAIN Alert? Number One, report! NUMBER ONE Sir! We're picking up loud music. CAPTAIN Music? We were just asleep! NUMBER ONE Yes sir. Ears report it is "Achy Breaky Heart." CAPTAIN Good lord, are we being tortured? NUMBER ONE Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction. CAPTAIN Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on. NUMBER ONE Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a woman sleeping there. CAPTAIN A woman? NUMBER ONE Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova. CAPTAIN Forget about Libido. What can you tell me? NUMBER ONE Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir. CAPTAIN Well of course. Keep looking. NUMBER ONE Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it? CAPTAIN Stomach, what's going on? STOMACH Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir. CAPTAIN Get hold of yourself, man! STOMACH Yessir. It looks like a prawn vindaloo, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain. CAPTAIN Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything. STOMACH Yessir. You can count on me, sir. CAPTAIN Good man. NUMBER ONE Sir, I've got a visual on the clock! CAPTAIN Tell me, Number One. NUMBER ONE Oh my God, sir. It's horrible. CAPTAIN Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself! NUMBER ONE It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning. CAPTAIN In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday. SYSTEM Sixty seconds to consciousness. CAPTAIN This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early? NUMBER ONE Work, sir? CAPTAIN That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't...don't know if I can live through that hell again. SYSTEM Fifty seconds to consciousness. NUMBER ONE Sir? Do you have orders? CAPTAIN Hmmm? NUMBER ONE Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us? CAPTAIN Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving. NUMBER ONE Aye aye, sir! SYSTEM Forty seconds to consciousness. CAPTAIN Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder! BLADDER Yes sir? CAPTAIN How are you holding? BLADDER All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy. CAPTAIN Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn. NOSE Sir, Nose reporting, sir! CAPTAIN Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there? NOSE Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think... CAPTAIN Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert. NOSE Thank you, sir. CAPTAIN Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a prawn vindaloo last night. NOSE Oh no, sir, not again! CAPTAIN I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness. NOSE Yes sir. I'll try, sir. CAPTAIN That's the spirit. Stomach! STOMACH Sir? CAPTAIN How are you doing down there? STOMACH We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything. CAPTAIN Damn! NUMBER ONE Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle! CAPTAIN Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party? NUMBER ONE Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir. CAPTAIN Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her. NUMBER ONE Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova. CAPTAIN For crying out loud. NUMBER ONE Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir. CAPTAIN How much time on the system clock? NUMBER ONE Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown. CAPTAIN Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it. NUMBER ONE Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target! CAPTAIN Fire! NUMBER ONE Hit! Sir, direct hit! CAPTAIN Ears! NUMBER ONE It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone! CAPTAIN We've done it! SYSTEM Consciousness cancelled. NUMBER ONE Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready. CAPTAIN Trigger sleep mode NOW. NUMBER ONE Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir. CAPTAIN Shut Eyes. NUMBER ONE Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored. CAPTAIN By golly, that was a close one. NUMBER ONE Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir. CAPTAIN Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one. NUMBER ONE Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir. CAPTAIN Good work, Number One. You take the helm. NUMBER ONE Aye aye, sir.

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING, the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS. The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP. The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP. The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY. The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET. The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE. The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX, the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES. The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got fucked up.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

hand-me-downs. 2. Long black boots and a mini skirt will always get a blokes attention. 3. Mini skirts never went out of fashion, the shorter the better, the more you show the "beetle's bonnet" the better. 4. Hot pants should only be worn by models. 5. Wonderbras should carry a disappointment label with them, you shouldn't advertise a Porsche and deliver a Mini. 6. Glittery make up is a pain to get off our knob. 7. Taking a handbag to the toilets immediately notifies the entire male audience that its red rag time. This is much appreciated as we no not to waste valuable drinking time chatting up someone impersonating an A&E victim. 8. A purse should contain money and not a "Bar" deflector. A bird going "Dutch" always gets a second date. 9. Smoking is not a fashion accessory or a turn on, so stop acting like a school girl and buy some mints. (school uniforms are still acceptable though). 10. When caught short and having a No. 2 whilst out on the town, remember to always wipe from front to back, as someone could be licking that later.

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Jokes