SMS and Jokes

Marriage (Jokes)

the the women if he can just put "Doris is Dead" as he only has one pound to his name. She explains to him that this is probably not enough and taking pity on him offers him six words for his pound. The old chap really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to: "Doris is Dead, Fiesta for sale"!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. De Bakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." "OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's alright. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "You do?" she asked. "Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you slut?"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his buddy replied. "Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?" "Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg, then she rolls over and 'plays dead'."

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman asks, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid," said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid asks, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there is no pool here." After a long pause, the woman says, "Is this 234569?"

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

off."

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry." "No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven..."

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach. The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"

A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw me in front of you naked, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "and what are you thinking now?" The husband replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got." He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off. He say's to the guy, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?" The man sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole week!" The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The man replied, "Well today's the last day!"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly horny and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of salmon, some trout, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe, and then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties," so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties!" The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex." Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, not yet." He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of her and starts banging her. She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan..." She says, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

A man is watching the football on TV when his wife turns to him and says: "Honey can you fix the light in the hallway it keeps flickering" "Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have London Electricity written across my forehead? I don't think so" the husband replies. "Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn't close properly" she adds. "The fridge door, now! Do I look as though I have Hotpoint written across my forehead, I don't think so" he replies again. "Well could you at least fix the steps to the house, they are nearly breaking and dangerous" she say despairingly. What? The steps? For God's sake can you see B&Q across my forehead, No,I don't think so - I've had enough of this I'm going to the pub" So off he goes and drinks until closing time. When he returns home he notices that the steps to house have been fixed. On entering the house the hall light is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly. Somewhat pleased with this "disappearing to the pub tactic" he asked his wife how come everything is fixed. She replies: Well you see when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this handsome young man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him" "So" the husband enquires "what sort of cake did you bake him?" "HELLO!!!" she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my forehead. No, I don't think so.

A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage. Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry? Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone. Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared? Husband: I don't see why not, It would be empty, you wouldn't be there. Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared? Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes? Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice. Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.

A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said. "Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband. "Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me."

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore
'"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Jones was having difficulties in business. "If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute," he said to his wife sadly, "it might make all the difference." "If that is all," said Mrs. Jones, "then all is well." She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills. "I've kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. There's almost three thousand dollars there." Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, "Oh, if only I had given you all of my business."

Frank has been feeling poorly lately...depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative. His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him. After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office. "Mrs. Johnson," says the doctor, "I'm afraid Frank's stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two." "My God!," says Estelle. "Isn't there anything we can do?" "Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best...show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don't let him wait and start to brood, and don't let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don't use frozen foods...if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him. And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I'm certain we'll have Frank around for many, many years." As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. "Well, what does the doctor say?" "He says you're gonna die."

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Jokes