SMS and Jokes

Marriage (Jokes)

So I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

How I Met my Wife It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do. Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings. Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself. She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one- dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."

In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!" The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and said, "My love, I want a man." "But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle of night?"

My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money." What does she do with all the money? Dunno. Never gave her a penny.

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary? A: Morning sickness.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years. She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask." "Well, the husband says, there is one thing." "What is that," says the wife? "A blow job," says the husband. The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok." So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings. The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

I got home from the pub the other night and I was a bit late, when I opened the front door the wife was standing there with a rolling pin in her hand, I said "Bit late for cooking dear."

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been kissing someone, haven't you?" He says, "Nope." She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt." He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

The elegant couple were getting ready to go out to dinner. "What dress should I wear?", she calls down to her husband. "Oh try that new Versace number, sweetheart", he calls back. "Diamonds or pearls. Which would go better with the dress?, she calls down. "Wear them both sweetheart", comes the reply. "It's a bit cold out, should I wear the sable or the mink darling?" "The mink sweetheart, it really suits you" "Are we taking the Bentley or the Ferrari darling?" "Well you've taken so long getting ready that I'll need to take the Ferrari, otherwise we'll never make it in time for the early bird special"

with a woman." Alf keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Alf shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Bloom has started smoking again."

good. Please, wait a bit longer." On the third night, Mike had gotten just a little impatient. "How about it?" he said, a bit abruptly. Becky snapped back at him, "Mike. This is the third night in a row you've asked me. What are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"

A: 6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one of the women, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had arrived at the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "There is a secret to great sex," explained Hazel. "When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. Then, when he sees me like that, he gets really excited and we have wild sex all night!" "I'm going to try that tonight!" insists Ethel. When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that evening, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Soon, she has the other leg behind her head too. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband walks into the bedroom. With a shocked look on his face, he screams, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an arsehole!"

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring of 2006!

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife"

A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What kind of question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Husband: "Would you like to have sex tonight?" Wife: "No". Husband: "Are you sure?" Wife: "Yes, I'm sure." Husband: "Is that your final answer?" Wife: "Yes, it is." Husband: "In that case, can I phone a friend?"

as cheap as you?'

On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said: 'I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a huge smile.' The groom whispered: I've just had the best blow job ever.' As the bride walked down the aisle, she was also grinning from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her: 'I know this is the happiest day of your life, but I've never seen you with a bigger smile.' The bride whispered: I've just given my last blow job.'

A sex-starved wife's fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her pussy. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a beard would suit me!"

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What colour?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty pounds." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Cocker Spaniel's ears?

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