SMS and Jokes

Marriage (Jokes)

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband."

A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her. "Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building will know!"

Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else....." Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales. The funeral is on Sunday.

Comebacks For "Why Aren't You Married?" Because I don't like having a 50% chance of someday losing everything that is important to me. You haven't asked yet. What? And spoil my great sex life? Just lucky, I guess. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheque. Why aren't you thin?

As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour's son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in. "Did you see that? " Sadie says. "See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to. "Paul's fiancée, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year." With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a year."

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mum right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 48 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 48 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...

Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest? A. When her favourite sexual position is next door.

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "

Charles, a Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks and confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt." Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone." "You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife, but it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt." So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again. "Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said. "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom." "And so...?" inquired Charles. "Well, first they took off all his clothes" "What happened then?" asked Charles. "Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they closed the curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more." Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."

"Will I be the first to do this to you
" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex. "What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British-passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigner's line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you." On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it. Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page. 1. TUESDAY 2. THURSDAY 3. TODAY 4. TOMORROW P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. Three times! He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

A man meets his ex- wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"

Little Johnny and a girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny, being a little boy, was playing with his goober. The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs. Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine what happened ... YES ... Little Johnny's finger was just about taken off. Poor Little Johnny ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college they got married. They had been married now for about 6 months and Johnny came home to a crying wife. She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?" He said, "No you're not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?" "Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months and we have not made love," she said. Little Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a kid." And he did. The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!" Little Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need to split up." She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her clothes off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her husband and said, "Watch." She started to put the bread down there when she farted! Little Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. His wife beat on the door and pleaded for him to come out!! He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

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Jokes