SMS and Jokes

Marriage (Jokes)

This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway. They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, "That's quite a fair sized butt you got there!!" His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room! As he's standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, "Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, 'Quite the hefty pair of tits you got there!' Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I'm going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!" Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there. The first one asks him, "Did you also put your foot in it?" And he replies, "No, but I could have!!"

Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man's wife to her place of employment...a brothel. During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, "I don't mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?" "That is impossible!" The man replied alarmingly. "My wife stays home while I am at work." "You are being deceived, sir," the cab driver taunted. "As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place." Both men agreed and after dropping the man's wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back. "I do not wish to enter such a place," began the man. "I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife." Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife. The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside. "Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife," replied the man. "I know," answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. "I'm going back in after yours, that one's mine!"

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after an operation in hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute." "What happened to beautiful?" asked the wife. "The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied.

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too. Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see. An accident? Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms!

Every week at the grocery store Mary and Ellen, two old friends, would cross shopping carts. One day one Mary notices a package of dog food in Ellen's cart and comments, "I didn't know you had a dog." "I don't," says Ellen, "I give it to my husband, Henry. It's less expensive than ground meat and he doesn't know the difference. Besides, he loves the stuff." "You're going to kill him if you continue to feed him dog food," Mary warns. "Nah, he can't get enough of it," Ellen responds. Two weeks later they cross paths in the grocery store again and Mary notices two large bags of dog food in Ellen's shopping cart. "I see you're still buying dog food," Mary shouts. "Mark my words, you're going to kill Henry if you keep feeding that stuff to him." "No way," says Ellen, "I simply mix it with a little water. It makes a nice gravy and he eats more than ever before. He doesn't know the difference and he really loves it." Four weeks go by when they meet in the same aisle of the grocery store. This time Mary notices there is no longer any dog food in the cart. "I see you're not buying Henry dog food any longer?" Mary inquires, "did he finally wise up?" "No, unfortunately, Henry passed away last week," Ellen responds. "I told you that damn dog food was going to kill Henry," Mary gleams. "Oh, no, it wasn't that," Ellen answers. "He was run over in the middle of the street while licking his balls."

One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro. Then Pa turns to Ma and says, "Screw you, Ma." A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, "You know something, Ma. I don't know what the fuss is all about but I just don't get too much from this oral sex thing."

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?"asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.!!" She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system down at the fire station:" BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole BELL 3 rings and we' jump up on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump into bed. And when I say BELL 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

"Well," he replies, "we don't want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

He said. . . Shall we try a different position tonight? She said. . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10." Husband: "What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing. When the police arrived and asked for a description, she said, "He's six-foot-tall, with wavy blond hair and an athletic build." The police went door-to-door looking for more information. But the woman who lived at the next house said, "What? That woman's husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer belly the size of Australia!" The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why she gave a false description for her husband. The lady sighed and replied, "Just because he's missing, that doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

A man takes his wife to the livestock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if he had to fuck the same cow every day."

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?" "Honey, let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!" "Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a "night out with the boys." I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bonk?" the husband asked. "Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she asks: "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies: "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course, " says the man proudly. The wife responds: "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be really nice if you came second for a change."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Darling, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too."

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens but all his life Sam has wanted to own an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie: "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,: "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells: "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" And Bessie said: "You shoulda bought a hat!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife... Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5 What absolute bliss!!. Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous... Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me! Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did. Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

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Jokes