SMS and Jokes

Marriage (Jokes)

The hillbilly farmer finds his dorky son behind the barn pulling his puddin', and the old man exclaims, "Son, if'n you're old enough to do that-there, then you'n are old enough to be a-gittin' married." The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbour's gormless daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father. A few days after the ceremony, the farmer father comes around behind the barn and discovers his son hammering away at the mutton-dagger, just as before. The farmer's frustration clearly showed. "Son, I went and got you married so you'n wouldn't have to do that-there no more!" The boy looked up with a frown. "But Shoot, pa! She's useless. She ain't got no grip at all ..."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Jill told her friend Nina. Nina suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my husband finds out?" asks Jill. "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Jill. Go ahead and tell him about it!" said Nina. So Jill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said her husband. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?"

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." There's nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, " now let the poison work."

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!" "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Mary lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Mary says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at Mammoth. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the damn car.

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just fucked me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says "Do you have a prescription?" John says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "this is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "that's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently." Bill asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?" Jim replied, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife this week!"

Doug brings his friend Bill home from work with him early one day. They come upstairs to find his wife, and there she is in bed with another man. Doug turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Bill, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee." "Uh, okay," agrees Bill so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Bill can't stand it anymore. "Doug," he blurts out, "what about the guy upstairs?" "Fuck him," says Doug. "Let him make his own goddamn coffee."

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door "Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, ......"For crying out loud . . .don't you ever stop bitching
"

Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband." Quick as a flash, the man jumps out of bed, rushes to the window and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows, "I AM your husband!"

"Will I be the first to do this to you
" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex. "What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!

Husband: "How about a little action tonight, honey?" Wife: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "How else?"

George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls". One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her. "Well, Janice," he says, "what do you reckon this is?" "Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly. Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list. Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too. "Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?" "It's your dick, George," answers Christine. Off the list goes Christine. His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing. "Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George. Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finally answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry." "ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure." Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour. "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be." George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife. "Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick." "THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference." The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P. S. Your pussy is in the sink.

Morris and his wife went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say," Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot over heard the couple and said, folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word i won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars. Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" She said "No" And the guy lived happily ever after. . . . . . . . .

Ryan's wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends. "Don't worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy" "I know, I know," says Ryan, "But what am I gonna do tonight."

"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year." "Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

A married couple was sitting in a restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anyone could celebrate that long."

performance?" Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last night, doctor and once again this morning."

my calls." "Thanks," says Moshe. Moshe starts to monitor the calls on a daily basis and is pleased to see that Hette is keeping to her promise. But then gradually, as he thought would happen, he sees the daily elapsed time start to increase again. Then one evening, as Hette dials a number and makes another call, Moshe decides to discuss the situation with her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be. Fifteen minutes later, Hette puts down the phone. "What a surprise," says Moshe sarcastically, "how come such a short call?" "Oh, it was a wrong number, darling." she says.

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Jokes