SMS and Jokes

Limericks and Poems (Jokes)

There was a young maid from Darjeeling Who said she had no sexual feeling Till a sailor named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped from the ceiling

There was a young lady from Lancs Who was ace at two-handed wanks The boys queued all day And were oft heard to say "Super, fantastic and thanks."

There was a young maid from Belfast Who had trouble getting it past The warts and the scabs That she got from the lads Who wiped their tools on her arse.

A fat poxy whore from old Delhi Was really incredibly smelly The reason was clear Her men used to smear The come from their tools on her belly.

There was a young maid from Nepal Who had practically no bush at all The reason she said Was on top of her bed Perched a thatch-eating yellow macaw.

A wealthy young Madam called Rouse Ran an extremely tolerant house For ten bob a go You could let yourself go And bugger a little pet mouse.

A blushing young bride from Tonypandy With her quim was incredibly handy On her wedding night To her husband's delight She filled it with three pints of brandy

There was a young lady named Caro Whose man had a tool like a marrow Although great in bed It has to be said He carried it round in a barrow.

Now little John James was a dork Who thought he'd been brought by the stork His Pa wasn't better He bought a French letter And tested its strength with a fork.

An old slapper from downtown Port Said Had a twat incredibly wide You may think it banal But the Suez Canal Was quite tiny beside.

Two dykes got to speaking one day About their preferred form of play One said "Isn't the hunt For a nice juicy cunt Far better than your average lay."

A fair maid from Cairo called Nur Was thought incredibly pure Till we saw her great stunt To ram up her cunt A ton and a half of manure.

A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling Complained of a distinct lack of feeling But the old rags he wore On the tip of his sore Left his customers quite sick and reeling.

A young man whose name was Tim Lesser Was an extremely avid cross dresser But his new bondage gear Brought an irrational fear Of coming too quick through the pressure.

There was a young man from Halesowen Whose tool kept on growing and growing He said "Oh my dear The reason is clear It's all the seed I've been sowing".

A dwarf on vacation in Crete Said "I am terribly anxious to meet A young lady of leisure Who'd allow me to pleasure The hairs on her twat with my feet."

A shepherd from Cheshire's soft hills Was always looking for thrills Till a sheep he molested Loudly protested And sent him the veterinary's bills

A whaler captain's daughter named Rose Had nostrils so big in her nose That boys after supper Would stick themselves up her And cry "There she blows".

A dyke and a queer named Groom Were planning their honeymoon Groom said "My dear It's not very clear Who should do what to whom".

This is the story of Judith Smiles Who went out one night on the tiles But she made a mistake With a sailor named Drake Who missed and punctured her piles.

Weathergirl Angela Gore Said "My dear it's a bore When a cold weather front Just blows up my cunt Making it terribly itchy and sore

A horny young lady named Lil Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil.

There once was a man from Brighton Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one" She said, "Pardon my soul, But you're in the wrong hole. There's plenty of room in the right one."

Little Jimmy was struggling with a homework assignment his 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, had given her English class. Jimmy's grandmother realized that the boy was having difficulty when she saw all the scrunched up papers around the kitchen table where he was working. "Having a problem with your homework, dear?" asked the sweet old lady. "I am, Grandma", said Jimmy, dropping his pencil dejectedly on the table. "We're supposed to make up a limerick and read it to the class, but whenever I get an idea, I can't make it rhyme." "Well, dear, when I was a girl, I loved to make up limericks and whisper them to my little girl friends. We used to laugh till our sides ached, but in those days it wasn't considered proper for a young lady to even be reading limericks, let alone writing them." Jimmy's little face lit up. "Oh tell me one, Grandma, please" he begged. "Oh I couldn't", blushed his grandmother. "Your elders are supposed to be prim and proper and set a good example for the young people, especially their grandchildren." "Just one, please, Grandma, please." "Well, maybe just one, but I'll have to leave the dirty parts out." She cleared her throat and began: "There once was a pretty young lass Who da da da da da da da. He opened da da da She said da da da da I'd love a good fuck up the ass."

There once was a man from Nantucket, whose cock was so long he could suck it, while licking his chin, he said with a grin, if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.

There once was a man from kanass Whose nuts were made out of brass in stormy weather he'd clack them together and lightning shot out of his ass

"Mirror Mirror, On the wall, Who's the sexiest of them all?" The mirror sighed, and with a grunt said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"

There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.

But this did not dismay him one bit, Then with ass thrown aloft, he suddenly coughed, And collapsed in a shower of shit. His bung hole was flown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter. With a gravestone of turds, inscribed with the words " To the fine art of farting - a martyr"

"Paula Jones" said Bill Clinton, with affection "Oh, please, won't you lick my erection?" But Paula, so silly misunderstood Willy And thought he said, "Wreck my election!"

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17]

Jokes